Young Writers Society

This is a story for the begginning of the end competition. Rules: the short story must be exactly 250 words and the first word must be the same as the last. I would be very grateful for reviews. Thanks.

Calling won’t help anymore, here on the dark, writhing ocean. As the puddle beneath my bunk deepens I’m starting to realise that it never would. A fist pounds on my cabin door, its owner wailing for salvation. After a few more savage knocks he gives up. He doesn’t yet know the futileness of his shouts. The ship bound for New York, for my family... is sinking.
I can remember my mother’s voice, clear as a bell, in my head. “Alice we’ll be here when you’re back. Do whatever you can to make it back. We love you Alice.”
At first I tried. When the captain announced that we’d struck an ice-berg I ran to a life-boat only to find the bodies already being lowered down by the sea-men. All around people pushed and shoved like cattle and a smell of nervous sweat clogged the air. Boat after boat left the ship, all with a load of grim-faced women and weeping children. Soon I knew that there was never going to be a place on a boat for me. I gave up my shouting and returned to my room. I barricaded myself in and buried myself in thoughts.
Here now, it’s hard to see the bad side of leaving. Leaving this god-forsaken ship where the air is cold and my cheeks dampen with every passing moment. It’s silent now. All but for one soft voice. A voice so sad yet triumphant. It is the voice of the sea. It’s calling.

Hey, I'm Stela and I'll be reviweing for you today.

PollarBear14 wrote:here on the dark, writhing ocean

Should read 'in the dark, writhing ocean' as opposed to on.

PollarBear14 wrote: “Alice we’ll be here when you’re back. Do whatever you can to make it back. We love you Alice.”
.

Read this over in your head. The words 'Alice' and 'back' were very repetitive.

PollarBear14 wrote:As the puddle beneath my bunk deepens I’m starting to realise that it never would

This sentence is kind of awkward. In the first sentence she says that calling won't help and in this sentence she says that she's starting to realize it, even though she already has according to your first sentence. At first, when I read it, I was like 'what?'. Perhaps say 'I'm starting to realize it never would have.' That way it'll be in the past tense.

Okay, that was the nitpicky bit.
As for the story, it is obviously very short, but I thought it was sweet. Sad, obviously. Probably inspired by an obession with Titanic (hmm...iceberg?) but sweet nonetheless. Storywise, change nothing. Just change those little errors I pointed out.

It's all right. But the major driving force of flash fiction is the pointedness of the writing. The sharp stake that delivers the message and theme and all of it home.

The problem here is that you're covering too many bases at once.
1) The narrator is in her room.
2) The narrator's mother's voice chimes in.
3) Flashback
4) Back in the room

You have only 250 words to convey your story, but you try to be here then there and everywhere. It needs more focus, a tighter scope, a single idea you're conveying. What idea are you conveying?

The theme becomes unclear, too, when you get the words mixed together and the apparent meaning is different:

Calling won’t help anymore,

It is the voice of the sea. It’s calling.

Those aren't the same callings, I don't think, since "the calling [of the sea] won't help anymore" doesn't mean much. But because you begin and end with the word and it's in your title, the reader doesn't know what to think.

And you mention:

buried myself in thoughts

but you don't actually delve into the narrator's thoughts. How does she feel? How did she come to accept her fate? How does she feel about her family, waiting for her? I liked this line:

pushed and shoved like cattle and a smell of nervous sweat clogged the air.

because it conveys a certain mood beyond telling us what's happening. Unfortunately, though, this is the only line that gives us a picture of despair and panic. Use more lines like this.
However, I slightly disagree with "pushed and shoved like cattle" because the cattle I've seen don't really push and shove. More like mill about or ease past each other. There's no tension or anger in cattle, really. Work on that comparison?

Also this

After a few more savage knocks he gives up. He doesn’t yet know the futileness of his shouts.

doesn't really make sense. For someone to not know the futileness of his shouts, he can't have already given up. By giving up, that means he realized it was futile. I know you probably mean that he's going down the hallway and knocking on every door and that is futile, but that's not what you said.