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Young Writers Society


Veneer



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84 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1764
Reviews: 84
Sat Oct 08, 2011 3:59 am
amygabb says...



Veneer


 
  It’s late by the time I’m nearly finished my workout. My favorite
treadmill is available and I can’t resist, so I decide to warm-down with
a jog. I top up my water bottle and start the machine at a walk. Behind
me, the door thuds and I wonder who would come here so late.
“Andrea?” a voice beside me says. I turn my head. The girl looks
familiar but it takes me a second to summon her name. She quickly
scans me up and down, observing my worn out sweats with Hard
Core written across the back and my hand-me-down T-shirt. I look
her over, too, just so we’re even. She’s wearing the shortest shorts I’ve
ever seen and a florescent pink v-neck that hurts my eyes.
“Liz, right?”
“Ya,” she grins smugly and steps on the treadmill beside me.
“The school must’ve payed a fortune to have access to this place,” she
says appreciatively.
“Nah, we put Joe’s Gym on all our jerseys and they let Danley
students in for free.”
“They let everyone in?” Liz asks, eying me skeptically.
“No, just the teams. I’m on the track team - long distance,
mostly.”
“Oh,” she grunts, as if she considers running as much of a sport
as cheerleading or ping pong. “Nice deal. My old school could only
afford a couple StairMasters.”
We walk in silence for a while. Liz is new at Danley but has
certainly made a reputation for herself. She’s about my height, which is average, but is on the starting lineup for the senior basketball team. From what I’ve heard, she never misses and what she lacks in height, is made up for in speed. She’s amazing - and knows it.
“I hear you know Nick Cornish,” she says, too casually. Oh. That
explains why she’s here.
“We’re in homeroom together. I helped him with math in ninth
grade. I still do every -”
“Someone told me you guys are really close.”
“Yeah... We live a couple blocks away from each other. Nick
drives me to school.”
“Hmm.”
“Do you have any siblings?” I’m almost certain I know the
answer, but I ask anyway.
“Nope. I’m an only child.”
I knew it.
“Well, I have three sisters. Most of the time, the only peace and
quiet I get are at his house. Besides, they need me more. Neither can
cook.”
“They?”
“Nick and his dad.”
“Just the two of them?” she remarks, intrusively. I wait for a
moment, reflecting on my options. I don’t like it, but it’s better Liz
hears the truth from me than a rumor from the local grapevine.
   “His mother died a long time ago; his brother moved out soon after
that. He doesn’t talk about it much.” I take a gulp of water and turn
the treadmill up a few speeds so I can jog for a while. Liz adjusts her
ponytail of thick, blond hair.
“You aren’t dating him, Andrea,” she says more as a statement
than a question. I shake my head firmly no. “Good,” she murmurs
under her breath and I’m certain I wasn’t supposed to hear it.
“What?” I ask, innocently.
“Oh nothing, Andy,” she smiles so sweetly that I can feel the
cavities it just gave me. “I didn’t think you were his type.”
“He doesn’t have a type, Elizabeth.” I can tell she doesn’t like her
full name as much as I dislike my nickname.
“Sure,” she says unconvinced and then giggles. I gradually slow
my treadmill and grab my bottle from its holder.
“Good luck on the game tomorrow.”
“Thanks. Good luck with your...walking.”
“Track.”
“Whatever.”
Good grief, I think. I really hate only children.
Last edited by amygabb on Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
  





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153 Reviews



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Points: 1532
Reviews: 153
Sat Oct 08, 2011 11:20 am
AngelKnight900 says...



Ummm, I really can't generate a good response for this but I will try. It wasn't really as I expected. A short story like this couldn't really attract much attention. Besides, what could it symbolize. That only child kids are just unhappy or just plain jealous and me? I would look this over because I'm not moved. Good luck and keep writing.
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj
  





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Reviews: 21
Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:59 am
limegreenleopard says...



In a way, it was quite a general, average sort of story. I think, if you expanded it so it had more of a plot and a meaning, I would like it better. Still, I got quite into it, and your dialog is very convincing. So, thumbs up. :D

Now for the hard bit. I did like reading it, but I flet it was meaningless, and when I'd finished reading it, it felt like a entry in a girl's diary. If that's what it's meant to be, well done. I still think you could expand it and then it would make more of an impact.

amygabb wrote:
Veneer

She’s amazing - and she knows it.
.

I think it would make a bit more sense if you put 'she knows it'. Maybe that's just the way I think, though. Haha. :D

The ending was rather strange in way, as I was expecting something more. I think you should definitely add to this, edit it a bit and it would be much better. I did really like it though, and you writre quite well. :D

Good luck and keep writing,
~Leopard :D
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
  





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Points: 8102
Reviews: 107
Tue Oct 11, 2011 1:53 am
EnchantedPanda says...



Hello amygabb,

In truth I didn't really understand this. Once I started reading I did want to read on but after I had finished I wasn't really sure how I felt because noting really happened. It was basically just a character dialogue between two very separate people and it lacked any real plot. Had something really dramatic happened or it had a plot then it would have probably been better and more interesting to read. Don't get me wrong the actual writing of the story was pretty good, clear and easy to understand. Anyway I still have a couple of suggestions though for next time you write another short story and a few things I noticed in this story.

First of all I didn't get how you layed out this story it looked like you had randomly pressed 'enter' after every line and the accidentally mixed out the middle part and left it in a clump. Next time it would be better if you just wrote it in paragraphs instead of a whole clump. Or just left out the extra lines in between everything. Or even did both of those things. At the moment I'm sorry but it just looks messy and unorganized. It is also quite hard to read and looks very strange and unusual, I think it's just something you need to look over and fix.

She’s amazing - and knows it.
I definitely agree with limegreenleopard. If you put the word 'she' in the middle of the word 'and' and 'knows' then it would flow better. It is also grammatically correct and it helps the reader identify who you are relating to wit that short statement. It's just a minor error that caught my eye when I was reading and it stuck out like a sore thumb.

Also you need to establish all the characters more clearly before you describe the story. There were soem very important details about the characters that we didn't find out about until the end of the story and up until that point it didn't really make sense. In other cases we sometimes didn't find out about what you were talking about at all and it wasn't a very good thing for this story. I think you need to go through and check tat you have added in all the important details before you start the dialogue.

Overall this was a good story and most of it was fairly easy to understand. Some parts you need to go into more detail but most of it was pretty good. You definitely wrote a thought provoking piece and I have decided that I do like it, just make sure next time that you have clearly outlined everything. If you have any questions or concerns or you want another review then please PM me and will get back to you as soon as I can. Keep on writing you are a very talented person.

From DreamingForever
  





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84 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1764
Reviews: 84
Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:29 am
amygabb says...



I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my piece. You made some very helpful suggestions! By the way, I didn't format my story like that - when I submitted it it ended up like that. I agree, it looks messy but I don't know how to fix it.

I'd like to know the details you found out about the characters too late (or didn't get explain) so I can fix it. Sometimes I let the characters explain themselves through their dialog. I wrote it through Andrea's POV so I couldn't tell the reader everything about Liz because Andrea didn't know.
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
  








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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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