z

Young Writers Society


When I was a youngster



User avatar
529 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 30280
Reviews: 529
Sat Oct 08, 2011 2:23 pm
xDudettex says...



Spoiler! :
So, people who've read my work before will know that I generally write depressing stuff full of anger and teenage angst. But the other day I was listening to a song called 'When I was a youngster' by 'Rizzle kicks.' It's so upbeat and happy that I couldn't resist writing something cheerful for a change. This was just a bit of fun really

The song can be found here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc2iUwMpb8Y&ob=av2e

Thanks for reading!


I’d never tried studying in the park before. Probably because I was easily distracted, and I knew I’d end up ditching my Business text books in favour of the swings. But the fabulously sunny day, the picture of summer in some exotic country, had proven too much of a rare opportunity. There were kids screaming in delight as they played on the slide and the sound of an ice cream van jingle made my mouth water. When I’d visited the park with my sister, before we’d grown up and she’d left for college, she’d always made sure we got the swings. There was something about them. The way they stood tall and strong. Their peeling paintwork a symbol of years of enjoyment. They were the king of the playground.

I looked up from my netbook to see two boys sitting on the grass a few meters away. They were both wearing matching grins as the older of the two, maybe seven, drove his toy racing car around an imaginary track. He was making sound effects. High-pitched ‘Neaws’ and abrupt ‘errrs’ for the breaks.

I smiled before looking back down at the empty document in front of me. I shifted on the bench, my behind starting to go numb from the hard wood, and looked up at the sunshine. The sky wasn’t crystal blue like in all the holiday brochures that Mum and me used to pour through on rainy Sunday afternoons, but it was good enough for me. The few clouds looked like white marshmallows and the sun was a giant ball of energy.

“Can I have a go?”

“No. It’s mine. I’m practising for when I’m older.”

I looked back down from admiring the beautiful weather and peered to my left again. The boy with the racing car was holding his toy to his chest protectively, giving the younger boy a wary look as they sat opposite each other on the grass.

“Why do you need to practise?” the younger boy asked, an expression of deep interest creasing the pale skin of his forehead. He had chocolate smeared around his mouth, the wrapper sticking out of his pocket.

The older boy held his car out in front of him and smiled. “When I grow up, I want to be a racing car driver.”

The younger boy smiled, in awe. “Really? I want to be one too.”

The older boy shook his head, further messing up his already untidy mop of red hair. “You can’t copy me. You have to pick something else.”

I felt myself frowning at how unfair the older sibling was being, until I heard the younger boys reply.

“Fine then. I’ll be an asteronut.”

I giggled on the inside while the other boy laughed out loud, snorting into his brothers face. “You mean an astronaut, Jason.”

The younger boy, Jason, nodded emphatically. “I want to go up in space and meet all of the aliens. Don’t you want to meet the aliens, Kyle?”

Kyle shook his head.

“Or I want to be a fireman,” Jason added. “Then I could ride in a great big fire truck. I could make the sirens go ‘nee naw’.”

Kyle drove his car down the length of his leg before he held it up to his face, studying it with his eyes narrowed and his lips pursed. “I could be an airplane driver too. Or train driver.”

“I want to live in space,” Jason said suddenly, squinting up at the sky, shielding his face with a chubby hand.

“You can’t do that,” Kyle said matter-of-factly.

I waited for him to explain that you’d need food and oxygen. He sounded like he always had to be right and, apart from the ‘airplane driver’ part, he seemed quite bright.

“Because you’re not allowed to miss school.”

I smiled to myself and hovered my hands over the keyboard of my computer. The battery was almost gone and I was determined to write something before it died on me.

“I wouldn’t mind,” Jason said, and I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see him plucking grass from the ground by his feet and rolling it in his hands. “I could go to an alien school instead.”

Kyle chuckled. “You look like an alien.”

Jason pouted and dropped the grass into a pile by his side. They were quiet then, regarding each other with raised eyebrows, and I decided I better get back to work.

Name some of the reasons why people decide to set up their own businesses. The essay question circled around my head but I was no nearer to an answer than I had been when I’d reached the park half an hour ago. I should have known that the good weather was too much of a distraction.

“Or, when I grow up, I want to be a policeman, so I get to wear a cool hat.”

I gazed back up at the two boys to see Jason grinning again. I didn’t notice the girl that was now lingering behind them until she spoke.

“I wanna be a pwincess so I can has a crown.”

The girl was clearly their younger sister. Her red hair and cheeky expression was too much of a giveaway.

Kyle snorted and peered up at the girl with a frown. “I thought you were going to be a fairy, because they have wings?”

“Wings are better than a crown, Carly,” Jason said. “You could fly to space with me then.”

“Why are you going to space?” Carly asked, crouching down on her knees, her pink summer dress gathering in her lap.

“To live with the aliens,” Jason said, sounding as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You can live with me too.”

“Can I bring my magic wand?” Carly asked. She was finding it hard to keep her balance, wobbling to the side and throwing her hands out to steady herself.

I was waiting for Jason’s answer, my fingers still unmoving on the keyboard, when I noticed Kyle peering over at me. I quickly looked away, not wanting to set off a chorus of ‘stranger danger’. Instead I set my eyes back on the blinking curser on the blank word document. It was teasing me. The battery light had started to flash now and I felt annoyance seeping into my thoughts. This essay should have been finished by now.

“What did you want to be?”

I didn’t look up at first. The blank page was still having a stare off with me, and it was winning. Name some of the reasons why people decide to set up their own businesses. ‘Because they felt like it’ didn’t sound like a good enough answer.

“Lady?” It was Jason this time.

I looked over at them then. Three eager faces staring back at me. I shrugged.

Kyle sighed, a sound he’d probably copied off of his Dad. “What did you want to be when you grew up?”

I felt myself frowning, not sure whether to get up and leave, or answer them.

“Did you want to be a pwincess, too?” Carly’s inquisitive stare made me smile.

I didn’t have to think hard. “Nope. When I was a youngster, I wanted to be a star. My mum always showed me the stars at night and I always thought that it would be nice to join them.”

The three of them said nothing for a moment. Jason was scratching his head and Kyle was staring at me in thought.

“But that’s silly,” Kyle said at last. “Didn’t you know that that’s impossible?”

I shrugged again, a little hurt that a kid was telling me I was stupid. “I was a child.”

“What do ya’ wanna be now?” Jason asked.

“I’d like to be a millionaire,” I replied, reciting the answer I gave my parents when they questioned my career choice. “I’d like to run my own milkshake shop.”

Carly blinked up at me and clapped her hands. “I like milkshakes.”

“What are you?” Jason asked.

Assuming that he was asking what I did as a job, I was about to reply, ‘I’m a student with no money who can’t even seem to write an essay,’ when a woman appeared by the children, a look of embarrassment on her face.

“They aren’t bothering you, are they?” She gave Kyle a withering look before peering back up at me and the netbook open in my lap.

I shook my head.

“We were talking about what we want to be when we grow up,” Jason said.

His mother gave him a ‘that’s nice, Dear,’ smile, before she helped him to his feet, wiping at the chocolate around his mouth.

“Well we’ve got to go now, so say goodbye.” She offered me an apologetic smile.

“Bye, Lady,” Jason said, waving a chubby fist at me. “I hope you get your milkshakes!”

I smiled and watched as they trailed off to a picnic blanket a short distance away where a man with red hair was waiting for them. Some part of me really did hope that Jason got to be an astronaut.

I caught sight of the warning light, indicating a low battery, just as I turned back around.

With a grin on my face, I typed faster than I’d ever typed before.

Some people go into business, to try and make their childhood dreams come true.
Last edited by xDudettex on Sat Oct 08, 2011 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





User avatar
229 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 7522
Reviews: 229
Sat Oct 08, 2011 3:04 pm
View Likes
AmeliaCogin says...



Oh I love this song! Rizzle kicks are uh-ma-zing! I guess I get more of a feel for the story because I really love the song, but I'm going to try my best to review for you!

I really liked the pace and flow of the story. It captured this air of innocence which really lifted the entire piece. The only thing I thought a bit off was the opening paragraph. It moved a bit too slow and wasn't the most interesting of openings.

xDudettex wrote:I’d never tried studying in the park before. Probably because I was easily distracted, and I knew I’d end up ditching my capital B business text books in favour of the swings. But the sunny - this is a bit of a boring adjective. Maybe make it more upbeat with some pretty describing words which set the scene a little bit more. Remember, the first few opening sentences are crucial to whether or not your reader catches interest and continues reading. If the reader can immediately set the scene out in his own mind then it will give him more of an insentive to carry on reading day had proven too much of a rare opportunity. There were kids screaming in delight as they played on the slide and the sound of an ice cream van jingle made my mouth water. When I’d visited the park with my sister, before we’d grown up and she’d left for college, she’d always made sure we got the swings. There was something about them. The way they stood tall and strong. They were the king of the play equipment This last sentence is a little bit dull. And 'equipment' is a bit of a big word for the context. The title gives the impression of a story with childish seams running through it and...well, I don't know...'equipment' really does just sound too official, in a weird kind of way. Try something like 'It was king over the jungle of peeling metal frames and swing-bridges.' See how it livens it up a little bit?


The rest of it just flowed - it was fabulous, and so finely crafted, and without a single flaw. I slipped into the trace of the story, which flowed so efforlessly into a climax. It was kind-of predictable, but not in the way you'd expect. I absolutely loved everything from the first paragraph on. I think it was just a let-down compared to the amazingness of everything else that followed.
I hope this helped, and I really enjoyed it!

Amelia
  





User avatar
245 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 22884
Reviews: 245
Mon Oct 10, 2011 2:45 pm
View Likes
sargsauce says...



It was a well-written piece, but lacks anything that drives it forward. Eavesdropping on normal children talking is not really the most compelling literary device, and, told second-hand, comes across as "uh huh" "yeah" "that's nice" "yep." I suppose you may not be quite at that age yet, but I have to listen to friends or coworkers talk about their kids and it's all very [smile and nod, smile and nod]. It's throwaway stuff where it doesn't matter if you only half-listen or skim the words. Which I did, by the way, reading quickly without slowing to savor it.

I know this is just a little heartwarming piece, but if you desire to make it more compelling, perhaps you could imbue one of the kids with the traits or words that you would only expect in adults...a twisted reasoning, a stubbornly assertive personality, more defined voice.

Perhaps this short story by David Sedaris will illustrate what I mean:
http://www.bookbrowse.com/excerpts/inde ... number=556

In it, he's recalling events in his childhood, but with the language and color of his adulthood. And it's funny. Another tool you could use is humor. You have a lot of "aww cute" stuff, but nothing laugh-out-loud funny.
  








I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear