Spoiler! :
You rock!
The wind was blowing fiercely and I gripped my leather jacket closer to my body. I’d only bought it last week, but it had already become my favourite jacket. It reminded me of him. He was the only reason I was standing alone in a mile long queue that stretched around the grubby buildings of East London. Another gust of wind blew my hair into my eyes and I pulled a hand from the pocket of my skinny jeans to sweep it back. My eyes were streaming from the bitterness of the night air, and I was sure that my make-up would be running down my face, but I convinced myself that he wouldn’t care. He was my dad after all; he was supposed to love me whatever.
The crowds moved forward a couple of inches and I hurried to fill the gap worried that, if I hesitated for too long, someone would push in front of me. I’d been waiting for hours and the only thing I’d had to eat was a chocolate bar I’d found in my bag. The queue had only stretched back to the Deli on South Street when I’d joined, but now it was all the way back to the Cinema and probably far beyond that. Part of me pitied the people who were only just lining up; God knows how long they’d be waiting once I was inside. Excitement flooded my stomach then and the feeling of butterflies made me smile.
Mum had tried with all of her might to keep me from coming here, but I knew she was only looking out for me. She’d looked tired when I’d left the house this morning. She’d been up all night with Martha; the cries of my baby sister had woken me a couple of times, but I’d had the luxury of going back to bed, unlike Mum.
My gut wrenched and I screwed my eyes up for a brief moment. Guilt was seeping into my thoughts. Mum could do with me at home right now. She could do with some time alone. I should be looking after Martha.
“Techno Fan shirt, Love?”
I peered up from the dirty pavement to see a guy with a huge beer gut watching me from behind a pair of glasses. He appeared to be waving something at me and I glanced back down to see a bright pink t-shirt swaying in the wind.
“Only a tenner, Love. Best price you’ll get one.”
I declined with a shake of my head and the man moved on, shouting out his offers to the teens standing behind me. My hand moved to the shirt I was wearing beneath my leather jacket. Mine wasn’t so vivid a pink anymore, but you could still see the band’s logo emblazed down the length of the shirt in rich midnight blue. My heart swelled as I thought back to the day I’d received the shirt in the post. It had been sent all the way from New York and my eyes had widened at my dad’s generosity. Mum hadn’t been so pleased to see the package but I’d told her it was okay. If he’d thought to send the t-shirt, then it meant he loved me, right? Mum hadn’t been so sure. She reckoned he’d only sent it so I’d wear it around my friends, thinking maybe it would sell a CD or two. I hadn’t understood back then, but now I did. She’d been the one to raise me for the past seventeen years. That was why I was here. I was going to get Dad back for the both of us. I didn’t care if I sounded stupid. I’d been hanging onto the idea of Dad coming back all my life, and I wasn’t about to give up now. Not when there was an opportunity as rich as this.
I let the sound of excited chatter fill my head for the next half an hour. I was too nervous to let myself listen to my thoughts. I’d already been over what I was going to say a million times since I’d seen the advert for the gig in the local paper. They’d done a whole write up on a world famous band coming back to their roots. The headline flashed in my mind; ‘Techno Fan back to the city that bore them at last.’ It had been a little naff, but I couldn’t shake the feelings that had enveloped me when I’d seen it; excitement, pride and the hope of being normal. Martha’s dad had left us while Mum was pregnant and I didn’t want Mum to have to go through raising a child alone again. She was losing the youthful edge she’d always had and it hurt me to see her succumbing to the signs of growing older. Getting wrinkles like the others mum’s. But she was a super Mum; she’d done it all on her own for so long and now that I was old enough, I was finally going to pay her back for all she’d done for me.
A sudden bout of screaming started and I snapped my head up to see the crowds starting to inch forward. The butterflies swarmed my stomach and I gripped my ticket through the material of my jeans. This is it. There was no going back now. Nothing meant more to me than fixing things for Mum and being so close to doing it, but having to wait around, was almost unbearable. The queue was moving fast as people surged forward and in no time at all I could read the sign above the building I’d been waiting to get inside. It looked huge and imposing, lit only by the neon lights above the doors and the orange light of the street lamps opposite. A feeling of pride and admiration pulsed through me as I read the name of the band and then, underneath, next to the word ’lead guitarist’ my dad’s name. ‘Steve Miller.’ My heart leapt in my chest and the excitement I’d been feeling for the past week grew.
“Ticket, please?”
I gave the man behind the counter my biggest smile as I finally set foot in the concert hall. I’d only been here once before, to see a band a couple of years ago, but now it seemed even grander than back then. The carpet was a luxurious red and the accents of gold around the huge lobby made me feel like royalty as I took my ticket stub back and made my way towards the giant auditorium. Others pushed and jostled around me as I hurried towards the huge wooden doors. I knew that the auditorium was only just past them and the thought made nerves bubble to the surface. You can do this, Elise. I nodded to confirm my belief in what I was about to do before I straightened my jacket. I strode towards the doors, squeezing past groups of girls, only to be overwhelmed by screaming and shouting. I stepped into the large refreshments area, just outside the auditorium, to see people pushing even harder and frantically than before. A girl beside me was crying and she looked up at me through teary eyes.
“Steve Miller hugged me,” she said, her voice wavering with her sobs. “I met Steve Miller. Oh my God!”
My eyes widened and I felt my pulse rocketing. He’s been here? I snapped my gaze to the left to see hoards of people pointing towards another set of open doors that lead away from the auditorium. I instantly joined the crowds that were flocking towards my dad. People pushed and shoved as I fought my way through. I could hear angry shouts as I passed people but I didn’t look back. My eyes were fixed on the point that people were heading for, and I wasn’t going to let anyone stop me from getting to my dad.
I could see a gap in the throng of people and I shot forwards, glad to get some breathing space. My nose was filled with the smell of sweat and perfume and my lungs were gasping for fresh air. Conversations buzzed in my ears, pulling me in and out of focus. My heart was beating frantically in my chest. What if I missed him? No! The thought was clear in my head and I believed it. I wasn’t going to let it happen. I’d worked extra shifts to afford the ticket, even using some of the money I’d been saving for the past year
“Dad!” The word flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. “Dad!”
A few people turned to look at me but I ignored their inquisitive stares and carried on pushing forwards until I was finally out of the cage of bodies and at the end of a long corridor. I felt free but I didn’t have time to dwell on it for long. There were no windows where I was now. Instead, the walls were plastered with posters and flyers, advertising all sorts of bands. I could hear screaming fans flooding into the space behind me. I caught sight of a burly guy shielding a body from view and my heart leapt to my throat as I spotted a mass of messy black hair. It had to be my dad. A body knocked me from behind and I stumbled slightly, clutching my bag to my side to keep it from spilling its contents. I surged forwards, my eyes yet again on my target.
Paying no attention to everyone around me, I called out again, but I knew my voice hadn’t reached my dad. Panic set in then and I ran as fast as I could in the direction I’d seen them heading. Hurry, Elise. My thoughts were already beginning to betray me, the sounds of the teens behind thundering along with me, and as I rounded a corner I bumped straight into the burly guy I’d seen just now. He had a beer gut like the man who had been selling merchandise outside, but instead of short stubby arms, this guy had muscles that made my eyes bulge.
He glanced down at me and grabbed my arm as I made to flee around him.
“And where do you think you’re going?” he asked, his gruff voice matching his masculine appearance.
I could hear people crashing into the corridor behind me, but all of my attention was on the man disappearing into the distance as he strode down another long corridor. The sight of his dark hair and leather jacket made goosebumps creep onto my flesh. My mind was going crazy at the thought of being so close to him after such a long time.
“Dad!” I shouted, my voice louder than it had been just now. “Dad! It’s me, Elise.”
The figure my eyes were set on didn’t turn around and my heart sank. The body guard’s grip on my arm tightened as I jolted forwards.
“Stay back, miss,” he said, his tone harsh. “I’m going to have to escort you outside.”
My eyes widened in panic. “No! You can’t.” I tugged against his grip. “I have to see my dad. Steve Miller. He’s my dad.” My words were rushed as I motioned to the man nearing the door at the end of the corridor and then at myself. “See, we’ve got the same hair and eyes.”
The body guard’s own eyes narrowed for a moment and I hoped desperately that he could see the similarities I was describing, but when he heaved me backwards I knew he didn’t care what I was saying.
I could feel my legs beginning to shake at the realisation that my idea might not work. That I wouldn’t get to see my dad.
Peering behind me, I saw more security guards herding the other fans back around the corner, but some pushed their way though, only to be held back like me.
“Dad!” My throat hurt as I screeched at the top of my lungs.
Everything fell silent then. The conversations around me seemed to falter and even the bouncer’s hold on my arm grew slack for a moment.
“Dad!” I screamed again. “It’s me. Elise.”
Frantic whispering started behind me and reached my ears as a static hiss. I could feel tears stinging my eyes but I stared through blurry vision at the man who had stopped dead in his tracks. Time seemed to slow down as he eventually turned around. His eyes fell on me and the bouncer, and the crowd that I knew had formed behind me again, before resting on me once more. His gaze seemed to soften as he scanned my face, his eyes squinting to see me from the other end of the hallway. I wanted to talk so badly but my throat felt like it had closed up and I was finding it hard to breathe.
“I’m sorry, sir. She wouldn’t stop screaming.” The bouncer’s voice sounded too loud in the quiet corridor. “She’s insisting that she’s your daughter.”
My dad took a couple of steps forwards. My breath caught in my throat and some of the fans behind began screaming again at the sight of their idol. He looked just like he had five years ago. He still had the same messy hair and dark eyes. His leather jacket hugged his broad shoulders and his face was the same as I’d always pictured it. It was almost as if he hadn’t aged since the last time I’d seen him.
“Elise?”
The sound of his voice saying my name made me smile so wide that my cheeks hurt. “Yes,” I replied, my voice quiet. “It’s me, Dad.”
Nothing happened for a moment but the gentle expression on my dad’s face kept my heart rate sky high. My dream really is going to come true, I thought. My grin widened as another few steps bought him closer to me. The tension in the corridor was heavy on my shoulders but the sight before my eyes cancelled out the feeling of being watched.
“It’s me, Dad,” I said, my voice hushed now that I’d got his attention. “I can’t believe it’s you.” A happy tear rolled down my cheek. “It’s been so long.”
Silence followed my words again and all I could hear was the sound of blood pumping in my ears. Everything actually is going to be okay.
“What are you doing here?” he asked suddenly. He sounded confused, but the underlying tone was of annoyance. My heart stuttered and my last thought disintegrated into nothing as if the sound of his voice had rubbed it out like an eraser.
“I came to see you,” I replied, not quite believing that I had to explain myself. Surely it was obvious that I’d come to see him?
“But why?” He wasn’t trying to hide the annoyance from his voice now and the expression he’d been wearing hardened. “I’ve got a gig to play .”
“I know,” I mumbled. “I just thought.”
“You thought what? That I’d have time to see you?”
The bitterness in his voice hurt me just as much as if someone had cut me with a blade. I felt myself shrink backwards. “W-what?” I stammered. “I thought you’d be pleased to see me.”
He bit his lip then, almost to give himself time to think before answering me. “I am. It’s just that I’m so busy.”
I frowned and pulled free from the bouncers grip. He didn’t make to grab for me again. “Busy?” I sounded like a little child. “But I’m your daughter.” I could feel my bottom lip quivering. “Don’t y-you want to see m-me?”
A strained expression crossed his face and he strode towards me again to more shouts from the fans before coming up short. “Of course I do.”
He didn’t sound like he meant it and I could feel different tears falling now. They were full of pent up frustration and defeat. Mum had been right to tell me not to come. She’d known it would be just like last time, when he hadn’t turned up to my twelfth birthday, even though he’d promised he would. The silence echoed around my head and I couldn’t focus on any of the thoughts that were whizzing around my brain.
“No.” The lone word was said with understanding and I felt my resistance fade. He was never going to change and I’d been stupid to think that he would. A stupid, delusional, idiot. I was so angry at myself that my hands were beginning to shake. “You don’t care enough to want to see me.”
“Elise.” My name sounded funny coming from him now and I shook my head to get the sound of it out of my ears.
I clenched my fists tight by my side. “You wouldn’t have even recognised me if I hadn’t had chased you.”
He frowned. “How do you know that?” He was trying to sound like the parent he wasn’t now. He closed the gap between us with bold strides. “How can you be so sure?”
A sudden feeling of hatred rippled through my body. This wasn’t how today was supposed to have gone. He was supposed to be happy to see me, not questioning why I’d come. This was all his fault. “Because you haven’t seen me in five years!” The volume of my voice shocked me but I didn’t attempt to lower it. “Because you haven’t seen me in five years!”
Harsh whispering started behind me and as I turned around my eyes fell on a huge crowd of teenagers. Some were watching me with pitying expressions and others looked away when I glanced them through wide, tear-filled eyes. They were all bunched together; the body guards still keeping them from charging to their idol. I wanted to laugh. Some idol.
I whipped my head back to face my dad again. He hadn’t even attempted to say anything. Instead, he was standing alone with his mouth hanging open slightly as if he’d caught himself when he was about to speak.
“I wasn’t supposed to see you, was I?” I questioned. “You’d only popped round to tell Mum that you couldn’t stay. You couldn’t even tell me yourself!” More tears poured from my eyes. “I was twelve,” I seethed. “I watched you leave from the lounge window. You didn’t even look back when you left.” I wiped angrily at the tears and stared at him accusingly. He was only inches away and he made a move to grab hold of my arm. As much as I wanted to yank my arm away, I let him grasp me, curious as to what he was going to do; little bits of hope holding out to his touch. He looked down at his hand on my arm with a surprised expression as if he hadn’t expected himself to reach out to me.
“You have no idea how busy I am.” His words sounded like a lame excuse.
“Too busy for a family, obviously,” I spat, my words injected with as much hate as I could muster. “You can’t just have a kid and then leave because you make it big. That’s not what you promised Mum on your wedding day.”
Another round of gossiping started behind me and my dad scowled, not pleased that I’d exposed the fact that he had a wife and now his child was here to question why he’d abandoned her.
“It’s difficult,” he said, his hold on my arm loosening.
“It’s difficult to understand how you can call yourself my dad,” I replied, looking up at him through blurry eyes. Tears soaked my face, smearing my make-up. The front of my jacket was wet with tears I’d cried over the pathetic man in front of me too and I had the urge to rip it off. I didn’t want to look or be like him anymore. We looked the same, standing in our leather jackets and biker boots, but I wanted nothing more than to be as different from him as I could. “How can you live the life you do when you know you’ve got a family at home that are struggling to get by?”
His jaw grew taut then as if he was finally certain of something he could say without sounding like an ass. “I send cheques every month.”
A maniacal sounding laugh escaped my lips. “It’s not about the money!” I yelled. “It’s the fact that I’ve never had a Dad.” I wrenched out of his weak grip and stumbled backwards. “Doesn’t that bother you?” I sounded like the little child again now. I could feel my dreams crumbling away and my heart breaking in my chest. “Don’t you care?”
I waited for half a heartbeat before giving up. His hesitation was too much for me and the sobs that were finally being freed after so many years, racked my shoulders and made the last bit of hope I’d been holding onto disappear. He really doesn’t care. The thought broke me and I turned away as fast as I could and shoved my way through the spectators, leaving all thoughts of my dad, good and bad, behind. He didn’t even attempt to call after me. As far as I was concerned, I’d never even had a Dad and I’d been stupid to think I did.
, but I think you hit the nail right on the head.
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