Young Writers Society

My name is Eileen Roberts. Two months ago I gave birth to a beautiful girl named Jordan.
When I was 17 weeks pregnant, after a common ultrasound, the doctor told me my baby had a condition. He called it anencephaly.
Later, while doing research, I learned that anencephaly is a serious fetal defect of the central nervous system that affects approximately one child for every thousand births. Also, about 25% of anencephalic children who live to the end of the pregnancy die during delivery; 50% have a life expectancy of between a few minutes and 1 day, 25% live up to 10 days.
I could not wait until the next day. I had the doctor's personal number, so as soon as I finished my research, I called him.
"What are my options?", I asked, just as he picked up the phone.
He didn't need to ask who I was or what I was talking about.
"Well, you could do an abortion".
"Or...", I said.
"Or you could have it. But, Eileen, remember there is nothing you can do for this child. It is damaged. It is going to die a few hours after the birth and you..."
"Don't call my baby 'it'. And don't say he or she is damaged."
I hung up on him.
For the rest of the night I kept crying, trying to think what I would do next.
I had run away from home, a home of an abusive father, two alcoholic brothers and an ill mother, at the age of 15. After that there wasn't another option for me and I turned to prostitution. One day, a local businessman came to me as a client and we had an affair. I knew he was the baby's father.
He took me off the streets, gave me a nice house, an allowance and came visit three times a week. I knew I couldn't trust him because he had already said that if it happened one day, I would be alone.
At morning I got out of bed, dark circles under my eyes, and called the doctor again.
"I will have the baby", was the all I said.
For the rest of my pregnancy I stayed at a friend's house. She had also been a prostitute and kept reminding me how stupid I was being.
But finally, it was time for my child's birth.
At the moment I saw her face I knew I had done the right thing. She was so beautiful...
Three days had passed but, for obvious reason, I couldn't take her home.
At the end of the fourth day of her life, a nurse woke me up, Jordan in her arms.
"It is time, Eileen", said the nurse.
I didn't need to ask what she was talking about. I took Jordan, looked at her pretty face.
She was struggling to breathe, her lips were already blue.
"I can't say how much I am happy right now, sweetie", I told her "I'm happy because God has blessed me, trusting me with one of his angels. I'm happy because I could be part of your life. And, Jordan, you are the very best part of me and I love you."
A few seconds later, Jordan was gone.
I don't regret a single decision I made in all my life because, wrong or not, they brought me Jordan.
And I am sure I am a better person now because of her.
I don't know why I decided to tell my story, but now I did I hope it can help every parent that faces this situation eventually. Don't give up on life. Let the world know about these angels that come to our lives to change us, to make us good, to make us better.

I like the idea of your story; the parents' selfish mistakes and how the children pay for it later.

Here are a few things I'd like to comment on:

> The introduction is too simple. Starting your story with listing the name of you main character or making it too direct could make your story weak, so watch out. The introduction is very important.
> It is better to write numbers like "10 days" lettered, ten days

Later, while doing research,

where I had an abusive father

He took me off the streets, gave me a nice house, an allowance and came visit three times a week.

I believe you need to mention more of Ellen personality; how she felt towards her family, the reason behind having an affair with the business man; is it because he was rich or she just wanted to escape from her own house? Why did she had a prostitute friend?

It was a great story to read, keep writing = )

So let's take a look at this story from another angle. I'm not 100% sure how much research you did before writing this, but I'll be frank: how is being born with anencephaly not being damaged? In case if you didn't know, anencephaly is being born without a brain. If you did know, then why did you sugar-coat it? Calling it just a neurological disease is like calling AIDS a bad case of the sniffles. And how is getting an abortion crueller than forcing the child to live with the underdeveloped inside of their head not covered by either skin or bone? Most often the only part of the brain that develops is the brainstem - the child can only feel pain, and lacks the higher consciousness to justify or bear it. That's like being born into the perfect Hell. What is your justification for letting such a child live? Do you honestly think it's going to enjoy its short life? A band I like called the Black Dahlia Murder put it much more eloquently than I:


That being said, you can see that I have a rather strong opinion on the issue (mainly because I knew what anencephaly was before reading it here). In a story like this, where you're trying to convert somebody to your viewpoint, you cannot simply hope that your readers will take everything you say for granted. Don't sugar it over. Approach the issue seriously, write a character that displays an actual understanding of this horrible, horrible condition and some kind of a conflict within her before she decides that her child should live. She should understand that even if, by some divine miracle, the child will be able to live longer than 20 days (like Baby K, presumably the child this story was inspired by), there is no life ahead for him or her. They have no consciousness, no self awareness. Their body is just a shell, working without aim or purpose, and all they can feel is pain.

The story itself wasn't very well polished, and it seems as though you wrote it in one sitting and did not even edit it. Cases in point:

I could not way until the next day.

Wait.

Please, if someone, ANYONE, comes to you with abbortion in mind, don't matter the situation, do something!!

Abortion.

I had run away from home, where I had an abbusive father, two alcoholic brothers and one sick mother, when I was 15. After that there wasn't another option for me, so I became a prostitue.

Abusive. Prostitute. Did you have no time for spell-check? It sure seems so, because apparently you didn't have time to do proper research on the subject. Please, when you approach an issue such as this, do not just shove your own pro-life views at us without regard for context. Look at both sides of the debate, not just your own. Then maybe people will take you seriously.

Your general surgeon,
cC

Guys, I know this subject is hard to discuss.
Like I said, this story really happened and I just wanted to share it with you. I know there are a lot of misspells in it, but like I said, I'm brazilian and I'm trying to learn the language you are so good at.
I just want help so I can develop my English skills, but concerning the subject of this story... I guess it is a matter of opinion.
So, please, help me.
If my opinion change someone's feelings about me, I'm sorry. But I won't change it. I won't try to persuade ANYONE either.
Thank you for your time and help.

Adriana I think this was very sad but very very amazingly written. I can't spot very many issues with it and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. And I'm sorry O.o. I can't really pick out anything bad other than what people have already done so. I hope this helps a little bit at most. Good luck!!
Soulkana<3

It's a really nice story with a good concept. The only thing I can say is that maybe you can expand the story a bit. Add more personality to the charecters and more background, maybe? Apart from that it was amazingly written.

- Angelreader77

Hey! I read the story as requested but I didn't read the comments that were given below it so please ignore it if I repeat something they've already stated. First of all, you've got a writer in you. You definitely know how to grasp the readers attention which is what you did here too. I couldn't really stop reading. I thought at first that maybe a miracle will happen and the child will survive but when I read the last part, I felt quite sad. The way you described the child's suffering was the best part I think since it made my heart ache so bad. (You did a great job which means! )
I think the only nitpick here is,

Let the world know about these angels that come to our lifes to change us, to make us good, to make us better.

The last line. Instead of lifes, it should be lives. That's the only mistake I could find here otherwise, you're obviously a great writer. I should learn a thing or two from you. Hats off to you and goodluck with future posts.

Like the story!

It was really nice, a little short but nice.
I like how she has the baby but gets woken by the nurse in the room later. The mothers small little speech reminded me of something Shakespeare would do (much longer) but I liked it.

English is improving!

Can't wait to see what you write next!

Deanie xoxox

Hello Arianna!
This is a nice story I liked it. Everyone else said everything I was going to say, apart from this, which I feel is quite important:

Personally, I feel like this story is... empty. When the Main Character, said she became a prostitute, I felt as if I'd like a bit more emotion. I wouldn't think many people resort to prostitution so the MC must've been in a desperate situation. I know it's a true story, but do remember it's still constructed as a fiction. It's only based on it. Take the truth and dramatize it. Make it a story She must've felt ashamed of turning to prostitution or helpless. We want to feel that. Let us be touched by it! I know English isn't your first language, so try writing in Portuguese and then do all the editing and then change it back to English if it helps. We want to care for Eileen. Personally, if my child was ance... OK can't spell it XD - if my child had that condition, I would cry. Cry like hell. Then just before they died, I might cry again. Maybe I'd be happy that they survived that long but still. Think about what the character would do in the situation. She's not JUST a character. Try and imagine she's real. Know her like you know the alphabet (or at least know enough about her). You don't have to stick with what the actual woman would be because it's only based on her. Try and use emotive language to make us cry! Tell us how they felt when the got the house and returned to normal. Show us their reaction and stuff Just some suggestions.

Also, try and describe the baby too

One thing:

At the end of the fourth day of her life, a nurse waked me up, Jordan in her arms.

The past tense of the bold is 'woke'. And why isn't Jordan next to her? She'd be next to me if she was going to die.

I hope this helped. I'm sorry if I was too harsh!
Mac

My name is Eileen Roberts. Two months ago I gave birth to a beautiful girl named Jordan.
When I was 17 weeks pregnant, after a common ultrasound, the doctor told me my baby had a condition. He called it anencephaly.
Later, while doing research, I learned that anencephaly is a serious foetal defect of the central nervous system that affects approximately one child for every thousand births. Also, about 25% of anencephalic children who live to the end of the pregnancy die during delivery; 50% have a life expectancy of between a few minutes and 1 day, 25% live up to 10 days.
I could not wait until the next day. I had the doctor's personal number, so as soon as I finished my desperating- I understand your expression, but the word doesn’t exist. It’s either desperate or desperation and doesn’t go with your sentence structure. research, I called him.
"What are my options?", I asked, just as he picked up the phone.
He didn't need to ask who I was or what I was talking about.
"Well, you could do an abortion".
"Or...", I said.
"Or you could have it. But, Eileen, remember there is nothing you can do for this child. It is damaged. It is going to die a few hours after the birth and you..."
"Don't call my baby 'it'. And don't say he or she is damaged."
I hung up on him.
For the rest of the night I kept crying, trying to think what I would do next.
I had run away from home, A home of an abusive father, alcoholic brothers and an ill mother, at the age of 15.. After that there wasn't another option for me,I had turned to prostitution . One day, a local businessman came to me as a client and we had an affair. I knew he was the baby's father.
He took me off the streets, gave me a nice house, an allowance and came visit three times a week. I knew I couldn't trust him because he had already said that if it happened one day, I would be alone.
At morning I got out of bed, dark circles- Iguess that’s what you mean under- this is a grammatical error my eyes, and called the doctor again.
"I will have the baby", was all I said.
For the rest of my pregnancy I stayed at a friend's house. She had also been a prostitute and kept reminding me how stupid I was being.
But finally, it was time for my child's birth.
At the moment I saw her face I knew I had done the right thing. She was so beautiful...
Three days had passed but, for obvious reason, I couldn't take her home.
At the end of the fourth day of her life, a nurse woke me up, Jordan in her arms.
"It is time, Eileen", said the nurse.
I didn't need to ask what she was talking about. I took Jordan, looked at her pretty face.
She was struggling to breathe- this is the verb form, her lips were already blue.
"I can't say how happy I am now, sweetie", I told her "I'm happy because God has blessed me, trusting me with one of his angels. I'm happy because I could be part of your life. And, Jordan, you are the very best part of me. I love you."
A few seconds later, Jordan was gone.
I don't regret a single decision I made in all my life because, wrong or not, they brought me Jordan.
And I am sure I am a better person now because of her.
I don't know why I decided to tell my story, but now I did I hope it can help every parent that faces this situation eventually. Don't give up on life. Let the world know about these angels that come to our lives to change us, to make us good, to make us better. awww..Touchy ending, nice name, well- expressed, well- researched- some grammatical and flow issues. Portions in italics I’ve explained is mandatory changes, sort of. And portions unexplained are the, well, you could chose to edit that or not, your wish. This reminds me of one of my own short stories- Epitaph. I see you always choose tough issues but that’s what gives your story a personal life. I hope you get to go as far as you want with them, btw- I was actually planning to write sth on motherhood too, soon- but that would just be a very regular story. Just wondering, don’t take it offensively if you feel so- This Eillen character isn’t you right? It’s just that you expressed it so well.