Young Writers Society

Deleted

I like your story, but I'm not quite understanding how, in one instant, he is in his room trying to type on his laptop, and the next, he is cutting himself. You might could describe more of how he is feeling, and I would be interested in seeing maybe a small background of what he is doing before he was writing. Was he being bullied at school? Cursing at his parents? Doing drugs? Add some info that emphasizes the context. I hope to read it again soon. By the way, it is a remarkable piece.

Wha-? You're only 15 and you have a laptop? Jealous.

Okay so there are a lot of things that need to be reworked here. For the most part the story isn't bad, but it is very tell-y and not so show-y. To amend this whene,ver you write a sentence and you find yourself talking about you in general

eg,

I have a strong vocabulary.

Think of a time in which you have exhibited this. Not a generalisation like,

I always think of the words before people say them

Because this is too general and we don't get an image or a scene at all. I think you could completely ficionize (Shut up spell check it is a word.) the story. Everything you say I challenge you to say it better. I challenge you to show it better. So the line above might read.

Like when I was running late for class. By the time I charged through that door everyone's heads were down scouring over a pop quiz and there was only one seat left, up front under Miss Archibald's long nose. She didn't say anything she just scowled and slammed a test page down infront of me. A test? What? But I haven't studied. It's not fair.I read the first line, let out a long breath and I could feel a smile starting. The top line read Vocabulary and I knew I was safe

Something like that. You see all three pieces of writing I quote share a common description. The narrator has a strong vocabulary. But one paints a scene and reveals more character and setting and the others do not.

As for the story itself it's worn, cliche and I have read it a million times. But, you handled it well. I wasn't particularly enamored by your last line either. But like I said I'm not one for cliches and fade to black is a dribby tacky cliche I'm afraid. I know it seems harsh, but harsh is good sometimes and there are definitely positives here. There are strengths to this piece along with weaknesses. What you need to do is hold onto those strengths and bury those weaknesses. I think if you rework this, go through and find the parts that tell and change them, you will be grand.

Hello there.

I sat in my room listening to the sound of the dryer fan vibrating underneath my bed mixed with the bursting music coming from my laptop.

This is past tense, but after that you've alternated past and present. It's an easy mistake, and just as easy to fix.

I remember the time could run like there was no tomorrow, but, for it, there was no tomorrow

What is it that has no tomorrow?