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Young Writers Society


The Poisonous Phone



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needs improvement
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you're a good writer... give me more!
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Total votes : 2


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Sat Sep 17, 2011 1:12 am
Alex5607 says...



Natalia had finally bult up the courage to talk to Isabella, one of her ex-close friends. Ever since Natalia had come back from Germany, she realized how shallow Isabella, and Alison, her other ex-close friend, had been. Two months earlier, Natalia had been trying to sort out how she felt about Alison, the worst of the two. She had decided to call Isabella and get her advice on the subject.That little phone call was probably the most disastrous one of her life.

Two months later, school was starting and Natalia was nonetheless excited to see Alison and Isabella. After two weeks of argument, ignoring, and dirty looks, it was decided between Alison and Natalia that they weren`t going to work things out. The cause of it? Apparently, someone had said that Natalia didn't like, no, hated Alison!

Natalia knew exactly where these twisted words came from, Isabella. She knew that Isabella had claimed that Natalia hated Alison. She also knew that she needed to talk to Isabella. Even though it was already decided that things weren't going to be worked out, Natalia felt that she should talk to Isabella about being a friend. On sunday night, she planned exactly what she was going to do inside her head.

At school on Monday, Natalia was fully prepared, but she couldn't find Isabella. That night, Natalia was on Facebook and she opened a chat with Isabella.
Natalia: were you at school today?
Isabella: No.
Natalia could tell that her tone was cold, as it had been throughout the summer. Even though it wasn't a surprise, Natalia felt as if she had been slapped in the face.
Natalia:Will you be at school tomorrow?
Isabella: Yeah, why?
Natalia: I need to talk to you about something
Isabella: I probably won't have time to tallk to you tomorrow
Natalia couldn't believe they could be close friends, then two months later, Isabella doesn't have the time to talk to her. She wanted to say many things, but couldn't bring herself to.
Natalia:I can't say it here, can you at least call me? I guess I could say it on the phone.
Isabella : Home or cell
Isabella was back to the cold tone she had started with. Natalia didn't reply. Isabella could try one, then the other. It wasn't rocket science.

Natalia figured she'd surf the web for five minutes until Isabella called. Ten minutes passed. Twenty. She decided she'd just speak to her the next day. Ten more minutes passed. And then, the phone rang.

Natalia didn't answer, hoping with all her heart that it would be one of her mother's friends. Her mom answered and Natalia's heart skipped a beat when she heard her mother speak: "Sure, she's here. You can talk to her."

Natalia was freaking out. She was waving her hands below her neck, motioning for her mmother to bail her out. No such luck. Her mother handed her the phone and Natalia took it into her hands.

She panicked. Natalia had no idea what to say. Oh she knew what she wanted to say, but she couldn't bring herself to. "Hello? Helllloooo....?"Isabella echoed.

"Why did you tell Alison that I hated her?"Natalia asked, unsure of herself.

"Alison is my best friend, and if someone is talking badly about her behind her back , she's going to know about it."Isabella explained, her tone full of attitude. Natalia was purely insulted.

"I wasn't talking badly about her behind her back! I was trying to work things out for myself and I came to you as a friend for advice!" she argued, feeling the need to defend herself. She could hear Isabella sigh through the phone.

"I don't have time for this. Maybe, if you had no friends left, we'd have pity on you. I have to go." Isabella hung up and Natalia was in shock. She couldn't believe it. Maybe we'd have pity on you. Is that what she was to them? A pity case?

They say you learn something everyday, and what Natalia learned that day was that her phone was poisonous, only capable of evil and never good.
  





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Sat Sep 17, 2011 1:33 am
justcallmefade says...



It's good story, but it moved quite fast. Maybe just slow it down a bit and explain some things like setting, the envirnment, what they looked like. I understand it's a short story, but I would like to see more detail. And I made a slight correction:
Isabella: No.

Natalia could tell that her tone was cold, as it had been throughout the summer. Even though it wasn't a surprise, Natalia felt as if she had been slapped in the face.


It's just a small chunk, but I think if you italized Isabella's words as well it'd seem smoother. And also seperate the chat from the narration.
Overall, seems intresting. I like your way with words :D
I Like your Face. Like, a lot.
  





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Sat Sep 17, 2011 7:49 am
joshuapaul says...



This needs a lot of work. Give it a good proof read, pick up little things like.
friend


friends and so on. There are plenty of little errors that kept jarring my flow as I started to get into it.

and also

mmother


Should be mother. There is lots of this and it is really annoying. Run this through a spell check and PM me. I will come back for a real review because for now it is too difficult for me to let myself slip into this and really root at the core issues. Sorry I can't give you more at the moment.

JP
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Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.