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The search for Partiling Pyrimid part 2



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Wed Aug 31, 2011 3:28 am
PiesAreSquared says...



Needew threw the replica down on the marble floor, his green hair quivering with anger. The bullet wound that crossed his right cheek smarted, adding fuel to his anger. Five years of life lay on the muddy ground outside, irreversibly lost. He wondered how much longer the Slaringlew could maintain the war.
It began when the Arudkas sent an elite team to steal a valuable artifact from their Temple. This artifact was the Carbaleach. They came and left unopposed, the Slaringlew being too shocked to react.
Millennia old, it was an object of worship for the Slaringlew. That was fifteen years ago. Since that time, an all out war had severely depleted both states’ resources, and a shaky truce was declared two months ago, but a week later, it was broken by the Arudkas.
Five years ago, the priests at the Temple had used an artifact, called the Globe, to transform the Seekers into what they were, perfect humans. Since that time, they had been training for one specific mission in mind: The capture of the Partiling Pyrimid, it would enable the Slaringlew to defeat the Arudkas with ease, if it was combined with the Temple. What power it held was only known to the highest of priests.
Needew took out a phial of healing-juice and poured it over his wound. It closed up almost instantly. He snatched an emergency caller from his utility belt. “Seeker home, this is Seeker leader,” The other side cracked to life.
“Seeker leader, report.”
“Seeker home, mission objective fake, one man standing, renewing--” At this point, the tropical rains poured down from the heavens and slammed onto the roofs, creating a sound as load as thunder. Needew had to cover his ears.
He slid across the blood-covered floor towards the entrance. Once outside, he began collecting rifles and ammunition from the dead strewn there. He realized the rain would soon clear the fog that was gathered around the compound, and so he splashed his way towards the jungle, where at least he would be partially, if not wholly, sheltered.
In the jungle, however, there were other things more to be feared than Arudkas. Leaches, tigers, leopards, wild boars, thorns, poisonous roots and spikes. There was a whole list of them. They could, however, be put to good use, if one knew how to use them.
Needew took good care not to destroy any grounders. This would most definitely attract attention from the Arudkas, they were superb trackers. He slowly gripped his way up the slippery trunk of a tree, sometimes aided by vines, sometimes digging his knife shallowly into the bark. His brown skin was covered with perspiration by the time he reached the branches.
Here, he could see out towards the compound, and though he was less sheltered here than on the ground, it was still better than being pounded by the full force of the rain. The rains subsided about an hour later. Needew radioed back to base again, this time calling for extraction.
But Needew would get no extraction. He had to finish the job he came here to do. The Slaringlews were being badly mauled on the flanks, their center was still holding, but they could not last very much longer. He turned on his H.U.D. scanner. It had a radius of fifty miles. He would have to do a lot of walking.

Five days later...
Seven hundred miles in five days was impossible for anyone but a Seeker. But a Seeker could not go on forever, he had to stop somewhere. Needew laid under his makeshift shelter, sleeping peacefully. After five tiring days, he had decided to take a rest. He was near an Arudka city, but they would not find him other than by carelessness on his part.
Unfortunately for him, a young bird-keeper had seen him built his shelter, and he was rudely awakened by a gag being thrust into his mouth. He felt his arms and legs being tied to a pole, he was then carried to the city. He was put into one of the city’s barrack cells.
It was a four feet cube, and he had to curl himself and lie down. The cell was dark and damp, mold was growing on one of the walls. It reeked of the blood of former prisoners. His gag had been removed after the first fifteen minutes of captivity, but his bonds still remained.
After seven hours, he was brought to a room about five times larger than the one from which he was taken. There were nine troopers standing in a semi-circle around a table, they were dressed in black and wearing masks. Sitting at the table were three people. The military chief, the civilian chief, and the police chief.
Needew was put into a wooden chair facing them. By my uniform, they knew he was a Slaringlew. The hate they showed on their faces were enough to put fear into a dragon. He sat up, his face showing no emotions. They would get nothing out of him.
Every minute for the next three days, he was bombarded with questions. Whenever he did not answer, a trooper would slam his rifle butt into Needew’s shoulder blades. He knew by the chiefs faces, however, that they would be trying other methods soon.
On the fourth day, he was taken to a large room. Its floor was paved with pine wood, its side had large glass windows. What was in the center caught his attention. It was the Pyrimid. He knew it was no fake this time. It was covered in a sphere of metal-glass, something not easily obtainable.
Besides it stood ten troopers. The chiefs stood in easy postures, smiling to themselves. He thought he never saw a more villainous people in his life. They came up to him, smiling. Needew knew he had to escape, and that this might be his only opportunity.
With three large steps, he closed the distance between himself and the nearest chief. Smiling and stretching out their hands they advanced to each other. Needew grabbed his hand and pulled the chief towards himself. With his other hand, he grabbed the man’s legs. swinging him like a mace, he stretched the other two chiefs on the ground before the others had time to react.
His advanced reflexes enabled him to quickly defeat all of the troopers. He turned towards the Pyrimid, grabbed it in one hand, took a rifle in his other, smashed a glass, and jumped out the window.
He landed without difficulty on the ground and snuck out the compound towards the poorer quarters. Entering the back door of a clothing store, he fitted himself out in civilian clothes and melted into the crowds.
Stealing an unoccupied car from near the outskirts, Needew drove towards the Arudka capital: Arida. It was a wet and bumpy drive along the badly kept roads towards the capital, and the bruises he sustained while in captivity caused him to groan at every pothole. The trees lined the road until about three miles from the capital.
After three hours of driving at breakneck speed, Needew arrived at the capital and stopped the red vehicle in a unfrequented lane. He leaned back into his chair, closing his eyes and readying for his next adventure.

An hour later...
Needew fitted on the uniform of the airman he had just strangled. It fitted on just perfectly. Walking with brisk steps towards the airbase with the Pyrimid in a backpack he stole from another airman, Needew knew he would be home within the day.
The guard at the base sleepily checked the Identity Card that Needew thrust at him. Nodding his head absently, he motioned for Needew to continue onwards. The base was a vast place, planes of all shapes and descriptions lined the tarmac. The thunder of arriving and departing aircraft was almost deafening.
Needew headed towards the ground-crew of a nearby fighter aircraft. Ordering them to prepare the craft for a long distance recon, he sauntered off towards the cafe. The cafe hall was crowded with men sitting at rows of tables. He sat down near the edge of the hall and watched the crew prepare his soon-to-be stolen craft.
Fifteen minutes later, he walked back with a brisk pace and, assisted by the crew, climbed into the cockpit. The amount of controls and instruments facing him bewildered him. Hiding his face behind the helmet that was passed to him, he put his bag on his lap and signalled for take off.
He quickly familiarized himself with the controls through the automated checklist. He took off, flying homeward with the Pyrimid on his lap.
The moment you say that one set of moral ideas can be better than another, you are, in fact, measuring them both by a standard, saying that one of them conforms to that standard more nearly than the other. C. S. Lewis

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Wed Aug 31, 2011 9:41 pm
roostangarar says...



Much better! Honestly, it's like a different person has written this, it's that much of an improvement. There are really only a few things I can pick on, and to be honest, they're very minor details.

"By my uniform", this should say 'his', unless he's having a thought. In that case, you need to mention it.

"His advanced reflexes enabled him to quickly defeat all of the troopers." There isn't anything wrong with this, it's just that it seems to happen very quickly. One second he is taking out the chiefs, and the next he's out a window and gone. What about a good old fashioned punch-up?

"The guard at the base sleepily checked the Identity Card that Needew thrust at him." So, the chiefs of state have been killed, the Pyrimid stolen and a high value prisoner escaped from captivity, and this guard is just letting him through!? What kind of security do these guys have?! Why isn't there a huge search going on?

Anyway, apart from these minor grievances, and the occaisional typo and repetition that I'm sure you can catch by a re-read, it was a very good read. A huge improvement. Keep it up!
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Fri Sep 16, 2011 8:16 pm
Kale says...



Needew

Just a comment, but this name makes me think "need ew" with "ew" as in "grossness". That said, it is consistent with the name of his country, so it's not one of those must-change things, but you might want to consider the need-ew reading.

Leaches

Should be "leeches". "Leaches" with the "a" is a verb, which means to suck out or bleach. "Leeches" with the "e" is the animal.

For the most part, I felt that this section moved really fast. You tell us a lot about what Needew does, but you don't really show anything. One example of that is the fight scenes, especially the one roostangangrar mentioned. He's just started to fight, but then we're told he defeats them all easily, and then he's out a window. That's pretty boring.

Try showing us readers more of the action. Action, being all action-y is exciting and a great way to keep your readers interested in your story. It also increases the cool/awesome factor, which is always good.

As it stands, this part is readable, but not as exciting or entertaining as it could be.
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