Young Writers Society

Evie’s hands shook as she pulled into the driveway, and she had second thoughts about it being a good idea to come. The house hadn’t changed much. The white paint which coated it was chipped and faded. The rocking chairs were still there, on the porch, although there were three instead of four. The whole family would sit out on summer evenings and watch the sunset, often with lemonade or iced tea.
Evie took a deep breath as she put the van in park. She hadn’t seen her family in over two years, and she doubted that would be happy to see her. Well, she knew Lily would. But she didn’t know about her parents.
She got out of the van, finding she could barely stand. Not a moment later, she saw her sister wearing a lavender sundress, come out onto the porch. Their eyes met. Evie smiled. Lily ran and hugged her sister tightly.
“I’m so glad you came. I didn’t think you would.”
“Of course I came,” she said. “Do Mom and Dad know?”
“No, they don’t. They can’t make you leave…I don’t care what they say, you’re still family. And it’s only for a few hours. But it is so good to see you.”
Evie managed a laugh. “It’s nice to see you too. Are you nervous about tonight?”
“Kind of.” Lily paused, staring down at her feet. She looked back up at her sister, opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it again, and Evie knew what she was going to ask. “Did you have your baby yet?”
“Yeah. In April,” she replied.
“What’s his name?”
“Jackson.”
“Jackson Marks. That’s nice…I’d like to see him,” Lily said in a quiet tone, almost as if she was ashamed to admit the truth.
“I know. And maybe someday, you will.”
“How?”
“You’re going to Chicago for college this fall, right? It’s far enough away that I could come visit you without Mom or Dad—”
Evie stopped suddenly, her whole body going rigid. She saw her mother out on the porch, wearing a green cotton dress. Her dark red hair, streaked with gray, was tied up in a bun. Her eyes were locked on her elder daughter. “Hello, Evelyn.”
Evie flinched. No one ever called her by her real name; she hated it, and Mrs. Marks knew this well.
“Mom…”
“Was it a boy or a girl?”
“Boy. His name’s Jackson.”
“Come up onto the porch,” Mrs. Marks said. She turned to Lily. “Why don’t you go inside and get on your cap and gown? I want to talk to your sister.”
Lily nodded and quickly disappeared into the house, seeming to understand.
“Why did you come?” Mrs. Marks asked, her voice cold, flat.
“Lily asked me too. She’s my sister. You only graduate from high school once…I want to be there for her tonight.” She quietly waited for an answer, not sure of what her mother would tell her.
“I seem to remember telling you that you are no longer welcome at this house.”
Evie closed her eyes, thinking back to last May. It was nearing the end of her senior year of high school. She’d been expelled because she’d been caught with alcohol and cigarettes. Brown University, where Evie was supposed to go, had heard about the incident and revoked her acceptance. She’d had a huge fight with her parents and they’d pretty much put her on house arrest. But two months later, she’d met up with Adam, her boyfriend, and they’d had sex, leaving Evie pregnant. Once Mr. and Mrs. Marks had found out, they’d kicked Evie out . “I made mistakes in the past. But I’m still your daughter. I’m still a part of this family.”
“You could have done so much with your life, and you—”
“I can still be a good mother.”
“You just turned nineteen! And Adam won’t even marry you! Are you just going to go on living in that dingy apartment until he gets up one day and leaves a and you have to care for your son all by yourself with no money? ” Mrs. Marks had her hands clenched in tight fists, and her voice was rising.
“Mom, I’ve made mistakes. But I’m trying to put them behind me. And Adam won’t leave me. He loves me. He supports me.”
“What, by working at McDonalds? What kind of example do you think you’re setting for your sister?”
“Lily’s old enough to make her own choices.”
“But she looks up to you. She’s always looked up to you.”
“I can change things. I understand why I was kicked out. Things not may be good for Adam and I right now, but they can change. We can live with Adam’s parents for a while. I can get a job—”
“Where on earth are you going to get hired with no high school diploma?”
“I don’t know, Mom.” Evie sighed. Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to come at all. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes. “Remember when you used to make us go to church every Sunday?”
“That was before you told me you don’t believe.” Mrs. Marks sighed. “Another thing that breaks my heart,” she added under her breath.
“But I believe in forgiveness.”
“Evie…”
“Where’s Dad?”
“He’s getting food for the graduation party tomorrow. We’re going to meet with him at the school.”
Lily appeared, wearing her cap and it gown, both a bright blue, trimmed with white. Their school colors. Evie closed her eyes, not able to help herself from imagining what she would have look like in the cap and gown. She’d wished she’d not gotten into what she’d gotten into and she’d wished she could have gone to college. Be an actress in plays and movies, her dream since she was a little girl. Now she didn’t know what she was going to do with her life.
“Can you let Evie come? Please, Mom. I’m sorry—”
“Yeah.”
“Well, are we ready to go?” Lily asked.
“I think so.”
“I’ll get in the van and take it there,” Evie said automatically.
“No,” Mrs. Marks said firmly. “Well, you can go with us if you’d like.”
“Okay,” she said. “Okay. That would be nice.”

Hey Elinor! First off, I think this story has a lot of potential. There are some elements of it that I really like, but there are others that I don't like quite as much. We'll start off with the things I like.

The white paint which coated it was chipped and faded. The rocking chairs were still there, on the porch, although there were three instead of four. The whole family would sit out on summer evenings and watch the sunset, often with lemonade or iced tea.

I like this passage because of the details you included, such as the faded paint and what the people liked to drink. I like that you told about how the family would sit out on the porch; it was easy for me to imagine three people sitting out watching the sunset.

“Jackson Marks. That’s nice…I’d like to see him,” Lily said in a quiet tone, almost as if she was ashamed to admit the truth.

I like this passage because of the way you described how Lily spoke. It was descriptive without being wordy.
Now we'll move on to what I didn't like as much.

She got out of the van, finding she could barely stand. Not a moment later, she saw her sister wearing a lavender sundress, come out onto the porch. Their eyes met. Evie smiled. Lily ran and hugged her sister tightly.

This, I feel, was oversimplified. This was a wonderful opportunity to describe Lily and allow the reader to get to know her a little better, and I don't feel that it was used the best way it could've been. I think that that's the main problem that I have with this piece; it's too plain. I'm a big fan of simple writing, but I also believe that, in order to be interesting, good writing has to be more than just a good story.

Still, I genuinely like this story. I understood what was happening to the character and felt sympathy for her. This piece has the potential to be truly amazing.

Nice job! Keep writing!!

To be honest, I didn't much like this story. You danced around the source of conflict for so long, by the time it was revealed, I no longer cared.

There's also the matter of how this pieces is essentially all build-up and no resolution. For all the character's agonizing and remembering and dancing around the source of conflict and personal misery, there isn't even mention of a single emotion of hers at the end, where it is needed most. And while dialogue can be extremely powerful just on its own, in this case, it made the ending feel incredibly unresolved because there was no context given through tone or action to really support the dialogue.

Actions speak louder than words, and how one says something has a huge impact on how its received. For instance, how Mrs. Marks say "No"? Was it sharply? Reflexively? And when she offers to let Evie ride with them, how is she saying it? Begrudgingly? A bit gentler? It's so undefined, and it's this lack of definition that leaves the ending feeling like it lacks a proper resolution.

The pacing doesn't help this lack of resolution feeling either. So little time is spent upon the (possibly temporary) reconciliation between mother and daughter, which seems to defeat the purpose of all the set up you did to establish the bad blood in the family. Focusing less on the set up and more on the actual resolution of conflict would greatly strengthen this story.