Young Writers Society

I'm a bit rusty with my grammar but I'm practicing. I hope you enjoy reading this.

It is a cold and windy day. I sat staring out the window of my office. How I wished to be home under the covers of my warm inviting bed. I watched the wind dance through the trees seeing it violently pulling their leaves left and right. I imagined myself being swept away on the wind to a place where no one would find me. A knock awakened me from my deep slumber. “Miss Jones, someone here to see you.” I frantically started to wonder who it could possibly be. I didn’t have any appointments for the day, much later yes, at a quarter to four. Yet here someone wanted to see me at ten to eight. The door opened slowly and revealed my visitor.

“Hello Alexandra.”
“Hello Mother.”

I haven’t seen her in a while. No. I haven’t seen her for a year. That’s not a while. I haven’t spoken to her in over a year. Not a phone call, an email nor a friendly “hello how have you been.” I was flabbergasted. I sat staring at her as if she had come from the planet Neptune. What could she possibly want?

“Aren’t you going to make me feel welcome in your boudoir?” She gestured around my vast office with a perfectly manicured hand. I nodded stiffly to a chair opposite my table. She gave a gracious smile and even more graciously she sat down with a puff of the chair. I kept staring at her. How can she just come in here and pretend as if nothing had happened. As if we’re the perfect mother and daughter team. As if the year didn’t pass by and as if it were yesterday we sat enjoying tea and conversation.

Silently anger crept up behind me and threatened to devour me. My Mother returned my steely gaze. “Why haven’t I heard from you, Alexandra?”
Typical. She asks me. Why hasn’t she called? Why is it my duty to do it first? I continued to stare. I could hear her sigh. She was barely audible.
“I know that you’re still mad at me, but...”
“Sure as hell I am! You weren’t there for me when I needed you most! It wasn’t my fault!” Anger seethed from me. The words ripped through me. A few moments went by that felt like an eternity. At first I thought that a window was open because the wind was blowing through but it was my Mother that started to whisper.

“I know it wasn’t your fault but I needed someone to blame. So much had been going on that year. I had been climbing up the social ladder. Your father was promoted. You’ve were accepted into the best college that there is. Your brother became Head boy at the most prestigious school. We were the perfect family. Or so I thought.”

Her face was stricken with each word. Each syllable. Each letter. She drew a deep breath before continuing.

“We were all so absorbed in our own lives that we didn’t realise what was happening around us.”
“No Mother, you were absorbed in your life that was supposed to be everyone’s life.”
She sighed. She won’t dare say anything to stop me from lashing out.
“You and your father have always been close. I would always see you two together. Laughing heartily at a joke he has shared or stealing the last chocolate chip cookie out of the jar. If only I knew.”

I almost felt sorry for her. I was the one my Father turned to whenever something bothered him. I was the one who sat with him while he painstakingly did his presentation to impress his fellow colleagues and bosses that had won him his promotion. I was the one that knew everything about him. Yet I knew nothing about what he was going through.

We sat there in silence. Each tortured by her thoughts. I was instantly transported back to that night.

The house was bustling with life yet it felt cold and unlived. Daddy was hosting his celebration party. Mother can be so persistent.
“Now Harold before the news hits the newspapers you should announce it yourself. You know that lots of people will be very angry that you didn’t celebrate it properly.” He finally got his big break.

I stood on the staircase watching all these strangers in our home. Were they friends of Daddy’s? Apparently yes. He came down the stairs and stood beside me. He cracked a smile that seemed endless. “This is it.” Excitement started bubbling in the pit of my stomach. This is it. If only I knew what those words really implied. I looked for my Mother. Where could she be now? I turned to Daddy and asked him. He just shrugged and galloped downstairs. It was her loss if she wasn’t here to see him shine.

The night drew by in a haze. I suddenly felt drained. The wind started howling bringing with it a sinking feeling. My gaze fell upon the staircase. A frown furrowed my brow. I started to move. My legs felt as if they were logged in cement. Each heartbeat thudded against my ribcage. I was nervous, anxious for no apparent reason. Why? I pushed the feeling aside thinking it was because I was tired and over-stressed. Getting in the right college and the end of the year exams can be overly exhausting.

I passed my Daddy’s study. The door was ajar. A smile softly played on my lips. My Dad is such a workaholic. After such a celebration party I wouldn’t be surprised if he had fallen asleep behind the desk. I crept inside; my head poking behind the door. There he was. Half slumped over the desk his arm lying limply across it. The smile on my face stilled. The wind had blown some kind of ooze in my brain. I shut my eyes and shook my head fiercely. I slowly opened my eyes. It was exactly the same scene. Daddy half slumped over the desk. My heartbeat slowed...

The scene suddenly registered in my mind. As if lightning struck me I bolted to the desk screaming at him. I frantically searched for a pulse but found none. Tears streamed down my face. I kept screaming: “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Please!” He didn’t move. Not even a slight shuffle. I was a madwoman. Shoving and tucking at him. A crisp white note lay underneath his fingers. My own trembled. The note had wet drops on it. I took a breath and started reading:

My dearest Alexandra,
It saddens me to do this to you but I feel that there is no other way. Your life would be better off without me. I just couldn’t keep up with the charade of being the perfect husband, the perfect father with the perfect house and perfect job. It was just too much. I know you will not understand now but in time you will. You make me proud. I will always be proud of you. Do the things that you dream of doing don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Live your dreams and hopes before it’s too late. Know that I love you Alexandra. My friend. My daughter.

Sincerely yours, forever

Daddy

Sobs ripped through my body. My Daddy had committed suicide. With him a part of me died. A gut wrenching scream pierced my ears. I thought it came from me but my Mother rushed into the room followed by my brother. What happened afterwards is unknown to me...

Tears threatened behind my eyelids. My Mother looked wearily at me.
“I’ve been a horrible mother. I searched for someone to blame for my misery. Why would he have done such a thing? I thought because you two were so inseparable that you had to know something. That you knew what he was planning to do and somehow I expected that you encouraged him. Nobody knew that he was miserable. Not even you and that’s what made him such a wonderful man. He never wanted to burden others with his problems. I was too busy being the next Jackie O to notice my husband’s demise. I let him down like I let you down”
I brought myself to look at her. She attempted a smile.
“I read the letter he left you. He would’ve been so proud to see you now. Here. Making a name for yourself. You’re doing his job that he earned through blood and sweat following in his footsteps. I’m glad you followed your dreams and not mine.”

A strange hush came over the room as if Daddy were standing there smiling broadly and nodding his approval.
“You were always his favourite girl since birth. Now earning money he had lost.” She choked on a sob. “If only he had come to us and just told us we were bankrupt...”
A bitter taste entered my mouth. “How could he Mother? You would’ve hated him. Because of him you would’ve been the laughing stock. Your reputation was more important. You drove everyone insane with you perfectionism and which drove Dad to the edge of no return.” Contempt shone from my eyes. She killed my Daddy.

For the first time in all these years, my Mother had lost her composure. Sobs ripped through her body her wailing vibrated through the room. All I could do was watch. My chest contracted. All these years she had kept everything inside pushing everyone away. And here she was. My Mother needed people. She needed someone to talk to and listen. My Mother needed me.

I never noticed how much she had aged. Her eyes were sorrowful, pleading. “Please Alexandra; don’t abandon me like I did you. I need you. I love you.” I felt the tears flowing, splashing down onto my desk. How long I’ve waited for those words. She came over and enveloped me in her arms and love. The hush in the room deepened and with the wind outside my office it stilled with the longing ache inside my heart.

It was a decent little story, and there weren't any extremely obvious grammar errors. However I had some issue with how you wrote it. At the beginning, that first paragraph, it seemed really obvious that you were trying to use imagery. And it felt like you were using it just to fill out the section, not because it pertained to the story in the slightest bit. The only other issue I have is how confusing the story was. I honestly couldn't follow what happened the first time I read it, I had to go back and re-read. It was confusing and part of it was you didn't specify which character said what. That first dialogue between the characters,

“Hello Alexandra.”
“Hello Mother.”

should have read something like
"Hello Alexandra." The guest said.
"Hello mother." I replied

It would have made the rest of the story much clearer, because the first time I read it, I thought you were talking from the perspective of the mother rather then the daughter.

Hopefully this helps.

Hey, Rubric here.

First impression was that this was a great piece. You tackled some pretty heavy issues, put in a strong effort thematically and your turn of phrase can be quite powerful. There were some minor tense issues, I've pointed out one or two but there could be more.

frantically [....] wonder

"frantically" has a different pace to "wonder", as the latter seems a bit more thoughtful. Just a thought.

Yet here someone wanted to see me at ten to eight.

Beginning this sentence with "yet" reads a bit oddly, because it plays off the previous sentence in the same way as "and" or "but" might. It's also relying a bit on the internal narrative to explain facts, rather than have your character discover the time by say, glancing at a clock.

I haven’t

You shift tence from past to present here. It should be "hadn't"

No. I haven’t seen her for a year. That’s not a while. I haven’t spoken to her in over a year. Not a phone call, an email nor a friendly

I enjoy this internal correction, it makes for an interesting narration.

Anger seethed from me

I'm all for innovating the lexicon, but do things seethe "from"? I'd normally read it as the point of roiling, boiling bubbling of emotion *before* it pours out.

I had been climbing up the social ladder

It's great to get this information, but do people who climb the social ladder refer to it as climing the social ladder? Or do they go for something euphemistic like "making connections at work" "building a career" that kind of nuance...

You’ve were accepted

You*

brother became Head boy

capitalise "Boy" as it's part of the title.

Or so I thought.

Lovin' it. Really pulls the reader in.

Her face was stricken

What does "stricken" do here? Is it meant to denote an impact, because you'd want to go with "struck" tense-wise. Could go somewhere else and describe the voice as going raspy or shrill, to describe how the tension would be affecting her ability to communicate. Or you could describe the calm tones of an accomplished conversationalist. Who is she?

your life that was supposed

*and* that was supposed.
Another great line, the fireworks are starting to fly.

father have always[....]joke he has shared

Tense. Should be "had" and "had" if she's describing a relationship that is no longer as she perceived it to be.

unlived

Do houses feel unlived, or unlived in. It feels weird to end the sentence with a preoposition, but I think you should add an "in" to the end for it to read properly.

Mother can be

It really depends on whether this is a description of how she thought her mother could be at the time, or how she now thinks of her. I would have assumed it to be the latter, in which case it should be "Mother *could* be", as it's past tense.

news hits the newspapers

Try "the papers" or "print" if you want to avoid a repetition of "new".

Apparently yes.

"Apparently." or "Apparently so." or it reads as a tautology.

Getting in the right

*into*

The wind had blown some kind of ooze in my brain

A novel turn of phrase! I assume this is along the same lines as "my mind was playing tricks on me" in terms of intended affect. Bravo.

I frantically searched for a pulse but found none

Interesting. Strictly it's the best thing to do, but it says something about her character that she doesn't flip out completely.

.

Not even a slight shuffle

"Shuffle" seems to lack the drama of the moment, maybe just go for a simpler "Nothing." to keep the pace sharp.

committed suicide

Almost a clinical turn of phrase if it's in the heat of the moment, but then "killed himself" is almost euphemistic in comparison....

husband’s demise

Is "demise" is a little too poetic for recounting a personal history?

as if Daddy were standing there smiling broadly and nodding his approval.

Maybe this is just me, but I think I'd have gone for something a little more ambiguous like "as if there was another presence in the room" kind of thing. It reads as if it's something the author wants to put in, rather than an impression that someone would actually feel. If you do keep it as is, maybe give your narrator an awareness of the turn of phrase by throwing something like "and I know how this sounds", though addressing the reader may not be your narrative style.

you perfectionism and which drove Dad

"your perfectionism, and that drove Dad"
"your perfectionism, which drove Dad"

Mother had lost her composure

Possibly fine as is, but you could lose "had" and it would still be ok, tense-wise.

her body her wailing

"her body, her wailing" or "her body and her wailing"

I never noticed how much she had aged

This reads as if your narrator still doesn't realise it even as she comments on not having yet realised it, which is oddly self-defeating. If you go for "I'd" the tense matches up better.

don’t abandon me like I did you

Wow, oddly self-aware. Interesting way to play it.

The hush in the room deepened and with the wind outside my office it stilled with the longing ache inside my heart.

There are a few things that could be going on in this sentence, but you should give it a read and see if your meaning is clear enough, it stumps me, especially for a final line.

Overall, strong effort and keep on writing! If you need a hand with anything, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall!
Cheerio.