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A Dream of a Friend Long Gone



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Thu Mar 19, 2009 12:43 am
mikepyro says...



I dreamt the other night I met Death.

The room where I sat was cold and dark. I felt if I spoke my voice would echo. The desolate blackness, like some ancient, frozen being, lost long ago in the void of time, held me in its form. I wore it on my sleeves, the blackness, the slime that trickled down my hands, but I was warm. At peace. Safe in the comfort of what I knew, what I hoped, was eternal.

Then came the light. A light not blinding, not so bright that I was forced to shield my eyes, but something translucent. A door had opened exposing a passageway to a place beyond. A figure passed through, leaving the doorway unguarded. As I watched the figure approach I realized it was John.

He wore a white t-shirt and blue jeans, his hair tussled and outgrown. His face was solemn, unmoved. He did not glance upon me. He took a seat beside me without a word. I watched him breathe slowly, calmly, his face unscathed, untouched from flames long dead. He joined his hands together. The skin of his hands was blackened and burnt, the sole trace of the inferno that took his life. We sat side by side, surrounded by darkness, but what held me, the shadows on my skin, did not reach for John. The blackness surrendered in his wake, slithering like a cautious predator circling its prey but afraid to strike.

I spoke.
“What do we do when everything’s gone?”

John did not reply. A thin smile crept across his face. He reached over and took my hands, holding them tight, and fire spread through me. A blazing, wonderful life flowed through my veins. Golden light emerged from John, lifting from his body, drawn from his chest. It grew in power till I could see nothing else. The shadows fled from my hands to the corners of the room, huddled away from the sight.

Then John let go.

He stood before me and leaned in, touching my shoulder and patting it twice, then turned and made his way to the passage.

The glow left and the darkness I wore crept back to latch upon my form.. The cloak I wore no longer felt safe but smoldering, suffocating and cold; ice water against my skin. The warmth had vanished.

John stood in the doorway. He looked as though there was something he wanted to say, something to comfort the man he would leave alone in the silence, but he never had the chance. The door had already shut, cutting off the light from my world.

I called out for John, my friend long gone, but no one answered.
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Last edited by mikepyro on Mon Jul 18, 2011 7:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:47 pm
elijah1 says...



Ah, I like dreams.

I have only two suggestions for this piece.

Don't explain the dream at the beginning. The piece has more meaning if you leave it for us, the readers, to interpret. As to how your character, John, died, I'd suggest giving the readers that information throughout the piece.

For my second suggestion, give more "foreshadowing for the dialogue," if you know what I mean. Give us hints as to what the characters are thinking before they speak.

“What do we do when everything’s gone?”


What made you, as a character, say this?

I liked this piece; dreams are definitely interesting.
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Thu Mar 19, 2009 8:13 pm
Quibbons Quill says...



A beautifully written piece and i would agree with the previous critique about both explaining the piece at the beginning, the reader is not stupid and doesn't need to be talked down to, and about explaining the death. You have done one of the most brilliant things of writing and taken the language to a level beyond simple communication and i feel that when you just say 'this happened this happened" it takes it down again.
I liked it though
  





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Thu Mar 19, 2009 9:10 pm
Kiki says...



I really like this =D

Dreams are so nice to write about :D

Good job hun <3
  





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Thu Mar 19, 2009 10:24 pm
mikepyro says...



wasn't meant to be a talk down to the reader.
it's just the way I wrote it, I felt it fit well for the story, the begininng paragraph.
sorry you didn't like the part, ya'll two are the first people who've had a problem with it so I never thought of it that way. I appreciate the thoughts, will certainly fix the work up. thanks alot!

as to what made the character say the line, I really can't get more black and white without ruining the effect of the story. he's questioning where we go after death, what lies ahead for man. like dreams, not all things are completely explained, they are vague representations of our minds, which is why I chose to focus more on the single line rather than expanding.

really appreciate the thoughts though. glad ya'll enjoyed the story
(it is fiction, never had a dream like this)
  





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Sat Jun 25, 2011 5:40 pm
HHemayed says...



Amazing poem, I felt like I was there too. Good job with everything, I think it's great. :)
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Fri Sep 16, 2011 1:36 am
joshuapaul says...



hmm a little sentimental for my taste - not to mention detached and allusive. I did enjoy it some though. For some strange reason I thought this was posted in non-fiction. So as I read I was touched and understood the story easily, as the ambiguity of the perspective that distracted other reviewers, was absent as I read. Then I realised it wasn't a personal recollection of meeting an old friend in a lucid dream(nightmare?) but something subtly different. I enjoyed it nonetheless as always, well done Mike.

JP
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