Young Writers Society

结束

We knew it was coming, I knew it was coming. We were all resigned to the fact that it was coming, the bowed heads, and bloodshot eyes at the bus-stops told me enough. Sunday 15th September 3026, midday. The day the world would end, and our greed would consume us whole.

Today, I decided to do the things I normally wouldn’t do, like take the day of work -nanotechnology no longer needed to be sought after-, listen to the radio, eat unprocessed food, smile once in a while. Try to die happily.

---

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining through the gap in my curtain, only this time I didn’t curse--or groan and moan, I stood up and opened the curtains, and then the windows. Letting the smell of a new day wash over me. The sky was a mixture of green, blue and yellow with the sun looming over it.

Stepping out of my T-shirt turned nightgown I took long languid step towards the shower, I was going to do everything differently today. Brushing my teeth took even longer than usual, it was like I had all the time in the world but I knew I didn’t.

9:15

Next I walked to the department store, but it was empty. Like a ghost town that even the ghosts had fled. The doors were opened but there was no one to be seen for miles. I walked in and picked up what I wanted: A length of brown rope, Cheerios, and milk.

A marriage made in Eden.

Then I walked out, waiting for the security guards to jump out accusing me of shoplifting but it seemed that when death was eminent people didn’t care for “material things” but I did. Material things got the job done, things like love, and fear. and family did nothing but hurt you. Especially the latter.

‘Hey you?’ I stopped and waited, something I normally wouldn’t do. The scruffily dressed man walked up to me, alcohol on his breath, staggering as he reached out to me Bible in his hand.

‘Hello.’ I said, forcing a smile.

‘Do you know God?’ He said, ‘because I sure as hell don’t.’ He continued. I watched him take a swig out of a bottle of Crescent Moon and I felt myself flinch, and recoil in fear.

‘Why not?’

‘She’s asking why not?’ He said casting his arms out to an invisible crowd. ‘Why not? We’re going to die, aren’t we? That shitty thing up there in the sky, it’s going to fall isn’t it. Gravity is going to fail, we’re going to die slowly and horribly, charred by the very thing that brought us life. And you ask me why not? What the fuck has God ever done for you?’

I didn’t know what to say so I kept my mouth shut. In the past few days I found myself starting to think “What if there is a God?” a regular old Santa Claus riding in the clouds passing judgment on us all. Loosening his hold on the sun, sending us to our doom. So I stopped doubting God and instead started banking on his existence, hoping it would save me. Somehow, I’d rather heaven than nothing at all.

‘That’s what I thought.’ He said, and then walked away swigging on his bottle of Crescent Moon and walking into the department store, probably for another.

9:35

I found my way back home, turned the key in the lock, and flung the door open. I’d not done that in a while, at least not since I got the house. Then I sat on the stairs and looked around, first at the ticking bomb in the sky, then at the manicured lawns, and the tiny mini Coupe’s, the lack of movement in the area, and the silence. Times like this I wish I hadn’t gotten a house in an area meant for 0ver 60s and upwards.

No-one to party till the end of the world with--but knowing myself I wouldn’t be able to. The drinking would stifle me, as would the drugs, the dancing would annoy me and aggravate me as I am incapable of moving my limbs to a steady rhythm. The men would insult me for I am far too dowdy for my time, with long brown hair, hardly enhanced despite the technology today, and a penchant to become melancholy and dismissive. And the women---oh the women---to pour Arsenic in their tea would recur in my sweetest dreams, taking away their breath as they soil feminism.

I ran a sponge around the sink, and then rinsed it twice. Following that I poured the entire litre of milk into the sink and then the pack of Cheerios. Using the wooden spoon, I shovelled the food into my mouth. Exhilarated and knowing this was the nearest to adventure I would ever get to.

10:00

I turned on The Box, tapping my ten digit code into the mainframe it lit up like a kid on Christmas day. 10 messages it read, all from ‘Do Not Answer.’ and it ran a countdown till the end of the world. I scrolled down to the music channels, and screened for ‘End of the world’ play lists. Ironically enough there was enough to serve a lifetime. Sitting on my cheapo leather couch that smelt like drying paint sometimes, I listened to the music and it lulled me to sleep.

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

11:00

A whole hour of my life left without saying goodbye like the man I‘d met outside the Department Store only it wasn‘t holding a bottle of Crescent Moon, and it didn't ask me unnecessary questions. Think fast. Must keep to schedule. I booted up The Box that had already gone into standby
Call ‘Do Not Answer’ I said, and I watched the blue dotted lines go in circles and then freeze into place as the connection was placed.

‘Rena?’ I heard her voice shake in surprise.

‘Mother.’ Sometimes I wished we lived in older times when connections cut off without the aid of the speaker, and excuses could be made for simply not wanting to talk to someone.

‘I missed you.’

‘Me too.’ That was a lie.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know.’

‘Do you forgive me?’

‘No.’

‘I understand.’

‘Logic demands that.’

‘Rena?’

‘Yes.’

I heard her take a deep breath and I could feel older times setting in, and a vision of my mother swinging on a rickety chair, arms akimbo, lips pursed. ‘Don’t backchat me.’ She parroted. Her dark brown eyes-almost black, blending in with her brown skin, and darker hair.

‘I’m not mama.’ I parroted and suddenly it was like I never left. Like she never swallowed me up with her ambition, hit me with the belt strap when life got too hard for her, lied about my father, lied about money, lied about my future, lied about everything. Like she never hid my colledge acceptance forms and when caught she simply said… ‘Women aren’t created for hoity toity jobs, nano--what? Crazy girl, stay at home and clean the dishes, they will do you well.’ in her heavily accented English and this was in the year 3000.

‘It would do you well not to.’ She began but I had already hit the disconnect button. I had already wasted too much time.
----

10:19

Way too much time.

There’s no one else. That’s it. The list has ended. But I have two hours to go, I go to the kitchen and place the rope on the glass chandelier, a chair under it, and a note that said ‘KABOOM.’ written to be destroyed at the end.

I returned to the box and put it back on the previous play list listening to it as time flew past, another thing I normally would never do. Listening to music made me realise what a hole I had inside of my life, inside of myself.

10:30

It’s like the world will never end.

It’s quite annoying, and disappointing.

So slow.

230 songs listened to played over and over again.

10:40

K
A
B
O
O
M
!
------
10:50

I have resorted to counting sheep. On 300 now. Counting too fast is a hindrance, numbers are skipped. The Box’s novelty has worn off, I am now in the mood to work.

11:30

I walked up to the chandelier, putting the rope firmly around my neck knowing it had a firm grip on me, knowing that one step off the chair was death. Then I watched whispering the seconds to myself until it took on a calming sort of effect.

11:57

I took one foot off the chair, and then the bell rang. The fright nearly making me take my own life. Stepping down from the chair, and walking up to the door. Standing on the other side of the door was the postman gesturing wildly to me, a parcel in his arms.

‘Yes.’ I said tersely my eye on the clock.


‘Parcel for you.’ He said in an awkward squeakily high voice, dressed in the garb of a postmaster; blue overalls and a white hat.

I picked the parcel up, turned it around and frowned. ‘It’s not mine.’ I said disgruntedly.

‘It’s for next door.’ and then it started. The sky began to fall. My world began to end and I could see the aftermath in my minds eye, charred bodies, charred houses, never-ending silence. I looked at the postmaster, his face frozen in horror, his eyes bulging out of his eyes. I never knew. I never knew why he worked on that day…

and I guess I never will.

KABOOM.

You're right on time, Anger! ^^

Hey AM!

I think best thing about this piece is that you have briefly mentioned how other people seem to be handling the end of the world, but most of it is through the perspective of this one character. It's kind of like having a pinhole glimpse of some grand structure, I like it

So, time to be picky.

Rena
I think- though this is just opinion- you could actually take out the name of this character. The first time I read this I kind of glimpsed over the name, and I really liked the detail I got to know about her without having the specific details of age or name. Just a minor suggestion though.

The year 3000?
Maybe you should bring that back a few centuries. One of the great things about futurism is how radically things change. New bizarre inventions come to life and older, simpler methods fade out. Today there are already people who live on processed food, because it's cheap, available, or they're just lazy. The younger generation especially. I imagine in 1000 years time things will have changed even more. Would we still have department stores? Would you still get some kind of form for your college acceptance? Do people still wash dishes by hand?
One of the great things about futuristic stories is the speculation of these things, so you should take advantage of that 1000 year time gap and let your imagination run a little further than 'cheerios and rope.'

Mother
If mother was ambitious, then it kind of doesn't make sense that she would want her daughter to be a regular house-lady. I don't know if it was your intention, but this mother conversation seems to point to the idea that your character is very, very bitter about the relationship betweent the two, and at the end of the world she's spending a fair bit of her remaining time thinking about all the mistakes her mother made. The little rant just seems a little uneccesary- unless it is on purpose, in which case she should reference her mother at other intervals during this day.

Nitpicks!
Only one: Is your character a time traveller? Because she goes from ten oclock to eleven oclock, and then back to ten nineteen. :p

Positives:
As I said at the beginning, I love this small, pinhole glimpse of the end of the world, the reactions of other people. I especially like the mention of the postman, it's as if the story could suddenly turn and start talking about his version of the last day on earth.
The whole thing being split into smaller sections by the time stamps works really well too.

Overall:
A good piece! I generally get bored with pieces this long and only read the first few paragraphs, but I enjoyed this one and it kept me reading until the end. Keep it up!

Pretty interesting. A well-told story, but not nearly imaginative enough for the year 3026. I must echo what Tenyo has said. The year 3026 is 1,015 years from now. That's a LONG time. Consider for example what life was like 1,015 years ago.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/10th_century
No electricity, warring empires, the Mayans/Toltecs and whatnot are around, gunpowder makes its appearance, various animal species become extinct in certain continents, they're inventing sundials/fountain pens/gears/medical tools.

So play around. Do you think General Mills will still be around making Cheerios? Do you think we'll still be using locks and keys as we know it? Showering? Brushing our teeth? Will we still even have the same religions? Maybe civilization collapsed and rebuilt itself, but it would probably be totally different. We're forging ahead with nanotechnology now, so maybe by then we'll have picotechnology?

So far, the only futuristic advance you have is The Box, which just sounds like an ipod.

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Will we still be referencing songs from 1,030 years ago? Do we sing ancient Mayan songs now? Probably not.


Another aspect of believability: At the end of the world...I am certain there will be serious looting. If everything is guaranteed to end, there will be all those people fulfilling all the desires they never got to fulfill back when consequences existed.
Want to feel what it's like to kill someone? Go ahead.
Want to know what it's like to steal explosives and demolish a skyscraper? Fine.
Want to know what it's like to drive 200 miles per hour? (Or, in the future, maybe 2,000 miles per hour?) All right.
I think that no matter the age, human nature will remain the same. As long as society exists, people wonder what it's like to do the things society forbids.


I liked the little chat between the narrator and her mother, and I like that you didn't go for the cliche "It's the end of the world, let's kiss and makeup, I love you!" But I think you could have explored the bitterness a little more. It was rather passing and unremarkable because it had no effect later in the story.

And I also agree with Tenyo in that the narrator's name was just thrown out there at us, and it took a second for us to compute that it was her name...and because it happens so passingly, we barely remember it anyway.

The last little scene with the postman was amusing. Like watching an ant scurry about its business when it's raining out.

Not sure what the point of this is:

10:40

K
A
B
O
O
M
!

Was there something you wanted to convey?

The Box’s novelty has worn off, I am now in the mood to work.

You slipped out of your past tense here.

Stepping down from the chair, and walking up to the door.

You have a sentence fragment here, just suddenly, so it sticks out oddly.

‘Yes.’ I said tersely my eye on the clock.

‘Parcel for you.’ He said in an awkward squeakily high voice,

I seem to be telling everyone this lately, but this dialogue is punctuated incorrectly.
"This is correct dialogue," he said. <--notice the comma and lowercase "he" because it's one sentence.
"This is also correct!" he shouted. <--also lowercase because it's one sentence.
"This is the third correct dialogue." His voice was serious. <--that's two complete sentences, so it's upper case.

‘It’s not mine.’ I said disgruntedly.

Besides the incorrect punctuation, "disgruntedly" is not a word. And even if it were, you don't need that adverb there. Adverbs are often unwanted when the other words convey it without the word or when the word really doesn't add much.

Just a scientific side-note...
Everyone would probably die LONG before the sun got that close to the Earth. I know you don't specifically say that the sun crushed the Earth or swallowed it or anything, but that was kind of the vibe. If it got to that point, we would have burned off in a non-exciting way (not in flaming bodies, but in boiling blood).

But really, what would probably happen is the average temperature would rise up to something ridiculous, plant life would die off, and we would starve to death (a much worse death, really).

Or maybe our ozone layer would dissipate and we'd all get cancer and die of disease. Or all the oxygen gets sucked out into space and we suffocate.

Also, I read once that if the sun got so old that it went into a Giant phase, the change in gravity would cause the moon to crumble and Earth would gain a ring that was made up of moon shards. And then, I forget exactly why, but a gravitational anomaly as the sun continues to grow would cause the moon shards to rain down on earth...killing us then.

So various other ways of death as opposed to straight up crushing/combustion by sun.

But! That's all the downer stuff. In the end, I did enjoy your story. What did I enjoy?
Like I mentioned, the exchanges with the mother and the postman are good. They're unexpected, yet expected, because people will tend to stick to habits, really.

I liked when the narrator woke up to a fresh day, opened the window, and just gazed out at the end of the world. It's kind of jarring, like the surprise shot you might see at the beginning of an apocalypse movie. Everything seems normal, hum drum...then open the shades, and zoom out, and there's a big honkin star about to destroy the planet.

I liked how the narrator's adventurous endeavor was eating cereal out of the sink. Gross, but amusing.

All in all, an interesting story...it's just hampered by the setting.


EDIT: What's up with the title, anyway? How does one pronounce that?

Thanks for the reviews, I just got online and could only respond to them today.

1, The Setting: Yes I know it sucked, it would have worked better within the 2012,2014 bracket but I really didn't want the world to end then because everyone expects it to. I wanted to do something a bit futuristic but I don't have that much of an imagination..-.-

2, KABOOM: This was to hurry the story along, I wanted to reach the end and time was going to slowly.

I think thats about it. I will be revising this story because I quite like it and I want to make it better.

The title means 'The End' which I think looks and sounds a bit bland in English so I changed it up. Everything looks cool in Chinese. I don't know how it sounds because although Google translator told me how to, I've forgotten.

Anger

Hi, AM

I liked this piece of writing. I like the title too. I only read it because I was wondering what the title meant. I wanted to use google translater but everything from Korea, Japan or China looks round about the same to me!

I liked the idea. Straight away you mentioned that the world was ending but I just wanted to know how, so that made me keep on reading. The idea of the sun blowing up and the sky falling, I think it was a great idea! It's one of those ideas that the reader goes, 'I wish I thought of that!'

When you mentioned the post man I thought the story might go on for a bit longer, so you would here more about the postman. But I liked how you left that without an ending.

Another thing is it seemed kind of similar to what we do today. I'm not really sure if it should be all the way to 3026. Maybe it should be a couple less years? Or if you want to keep that year, think of all the amazing things you could event! People might have of even found a way that they don't have to eat anymore. Or maybe humans can fly! I don't know, but when it comes to writing about the future what I like best about it is that anything might have of happened.

One last thing, you made a little mistake here.

AngerManagement wrote:Today, I decided to do the things I normally wouldn’t do, like take the day of I think you mean off work -nanotechnology no longer needed to be sought after-, listen to the radio, eat unprocessed food, smile once in a while. Try to die happily.

I really loved reading this story and I think the idea behind it was amazing!

Deanie x