My Personal Reflection - The Mirror of Erised contest entry

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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 4
The iridescent light from the moon shone through the small window of the obscure chamber. I reluctantly forced myself to enter, not knowing what I would encounter. My breath was shallow as I inhaled and exhaled abruptly, taken back by the chill of the air.

Raising my heavy shoes each time I took a protracted step, I made sure to place my foot back on the floor quietly enough so that it would be inaudible to those who lay below. However, it was unmanageable to preclude the tiny clang from the heel of my boot as it came into contact with the desiccated floor boards. I stood motionless for a moment to prevent myself from making any further sound that would alert people to my whereabouts. I tried to supress my breath, but it continued to escape my body sharply in diminutive squalls.

Once satisfied that no one had heard my actions, I continued further into the core of the room. Moving across, and under the insignificant window, the small beams of light shone down on me, illuminating the splits in my trousers. I kept moving until I stopped in front of the mirror that was highlighted also by the emissions of light. I gazed at the replication of myself that appeared in the mirror before me. My long dark hair that fell just past emaciated shoulders began to tie itself up, a handful of strands at a time until it was all deftly drawn back into a sinuous tress. My dusky eyes were lined with a contour of black eyeliner, and my long eyelashes were coated with a thick deposit of mascara.
Suddenly the background behind me went murky, and I could see but as far as my hands. Anxiety rose from the extremity of my abdomen and I retracted my step slightly. Unable to comprehend the event at hand, I held my breath as I delayed to see the dust resolve.

The mirror image remained black, although there was a certain background glow. I narrowed my eyes, unable to see anything but my fragile body. Becoming more cognisant of my surroundings, my ears were soon able to detect a slight buzz – an almost imperceptible sound – that seemed somewhat familiar; although it was too quiet to locate where I had heard it previously.

The lighting, although indistinct, began to glow. This permitted me to make out those by whom I was surrounded – my friends. The stood beside me, gaze casted forward and arms elevated. Although I was incapable of seeing in front of me – to see what I was supposed to be looking at – I became conscious of where I actually stood.
With that realisation, I watched the mirror attentively and enthusiastically, absorbed by the atmosphere that I had experienced many times and developed a robust taste for. It was truly addictive. The buzz of the amplifiers sounded through the room, resonating off everything within. My heart rate seemed to intensify as I observed myself and my friends as we began to scream and shout.

Those around me began to chant the name “Avenged Sevenfold” repeatedly in unison. I undeniably now knew where I was – a concert. Not just any concert, but the one I had been readily anticipating for months.
The band itself was something of prodigious significance for me. Subsequent to my mother’s passing three years prior, I had been sent to live with my Aunt and Uncle – who were far from pleasant. Through the hard times, I had turned to their music. It was the only thing that kept me sane.

And now, appearing before my Aunt’s old decrepit mirror was the thing that I wanted to experience more than anything. The desire of such was so durable that nothing could extinguish it. I had often imagined it in my cognizance.
I was looking upon the venue wherein I wanted to be more than anything. But it was not just the music; it was the fans - the community and the rapport that we would share under the performance of the band. I wanted to impression that strong connection with people, and make indissoluble bonds with others. I wanted a family – a family of fellow fans who understood me. And that could only be obtained through my love for music – the thing that I truly desired the most.




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This is good. I like your descriptions of everything. They were pretty J K Rowling-ish. And I like that you explained why you desire what you desire. I entered this contest, too, but I don't think mine was as interesting as yours, which is good for you I guess. That's one less entry for you to worry about. I do have one question, though. Is the concert what you really want or is it just a little thing? It just seems like the deepest desire would be bigger. Anyway, this is really good.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.




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Hello. Your use of words and adjectives creates a great image for me in my mind. However, it is those same words that annoy me as well. I feel like the word choices are unnaturally. If you actually write like this, then please forgive me. But I feel as if you wrote the piece and then found the most complicated synonym possible for a bucket-full of words. For example, desiccated. I've heard of desecrated, but never desiccated and never to describe a floor board. Also, you throw in too many adjectives at times. It's like you have an urge to put one in front of every single word. Other than that, I thought it was awesome. Here are a few other points I noticed:

Moving across, and under the insignificant window, the small beams of light

You yourself tell us that the window is insignificant, so why even bother mentioning it?

I kept moving until I stopped in front of the mirror that was highlighted also by the emissions of light.

The word "light" appears twice so it does get a little awkward. I would move the 'also' to the beginning of highlighted as well. It just sounds better.

I gazed at the replication of myself that appeared in the mirror before me.

This sentence seems so long and is a mouthful after the previous sentence. You have already stopped in front of the mirror, so why mention again that the mirror is in front of you?

Other than these few things, there weren't too many grammar mistakes. Good job.
If words are just letters put together, why do we decide on what they mean?

I step away from the grammar to review the story.

I don't do poetry.




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Great job on this. As you may already know I am also entered in this contest but I don't see a point now because I have constantly found my self reading other entries and everyone seems so much better. Now for the review. Your story was really intriging but your begining didn't seem to with the rest of your story. At the begining you were so descriptive and you used a lot of big words and then it just seemed to change from descriptive to connfusing. Other then that it was really good! Good luck to you!




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Points 187518
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Considering I love any Harry Potter reference, this was no exception! You've described this piece very well; the imagery is beautiful and intruiging and I've managed to get attatched to your main character in the short amount you've written - quite a feat.
Good luck in the contest! I really must check out some of the other entries!




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Hi I'm Eniarrol. Thanks for entering my contest. Now, because I have literally no points I will be going around reviewing people pieces so that it is possible for me to give out the prizes!

I like that you found the mirror in your story. Personally I like that format better than the other one. But that won't change the judging process.

Anyway,

I know it is a common mistake and I still do it countless times but the writing has too much description in it. Imagery is good but too much of it confuses readers and becomes a mouthful. One or two words can sometimes do just as well or better than a whole sentence full of adjectives. For example:

The wolves prowled.


Could sometimes do better than

The wolves prowled venomously around us in the light of the crescent moon.


I have nothing against using a couple of these sentences but packing a bit too much of them in can be a problem.
Gosh, even look at my writing and you'll see my disasters. But I'm here to help YOU improve and hopefully improve my own writing by reviewing which I haven't done for a while you have probably realized.

Also, is this really you're deepest desire or just a small part of one. Forgive if it is, but maybe spend a little time really pondering what your desire is.

So, good luck in my competition (Can I wish you luck?). I hope my review helps you!
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments



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