At The End OF Mason Road

At the end of Mason Road, lives an old abandoned house. Mr. Mason, who died last year, still haunts the old house. The house itself is in taters, windows are shattered, the door broken down. It is quite a spooky place!
Every year those who are brave enough will come on Halloween and enter the house. I myself have entered the house and lived to tell the story! Few have made it out of the house alive. I got dared to go in and get an item of clothing from Mr. Mason’s bedroom. I went in the house with my friend Shanelle and Kayla. We were so scared! I only went in because if I didn’t I’d been called a chicken.
Mr. Mason died when he was 30. People say he hung himself, others say that he died from an illness. He was said to be sick with an awful flesh eating virus, but he was also called crazy because he would moan all night long. During the day he would scream and suffer. Some felt sorry for him, but most didn’t.
I will never forget the day I entered his house. It was raining but not hard just a drizzle, I went in first and Kayla and Shanelle followed close by after me. His house doesn’t have any electricity because it is quite old so we used flash lights. Once we stepped inside pure terror swept over me. The place looked even worse on the inside. Everything was broken to railing and couches. Lots of boards were missing on the floor and walls were in ruins. We didn’t spend much time in the house; we practically sprinted to his bedroom on the first floor to get a shirt. As soon as we got it we were out of there! I remember the smell of the place, it smelt like a dead animal or something.
The yard around the house has a graveyard for the Masons before. The grass is gone and it’s been replaced by weeds and dirt. Bushes are over grown and trees have fallen over. Some owls have found shelter in some of them.
I will never go back to that terrible house at the end of Mason Road.

omg . worst story ever jk love you .... your right beside me ... awkward.

Hey germsie! ^_^ I'm Evi. Welcome to YWS!

So, this story suffers from telling. What's bad about telling, you may ask? In fiction, 98% of the time, you want to show readers things about your story rather than just tell them about it. Take a look at this article for a better idea of what I mean. Your descriptions are pretty common-- shattered windows, missing boards. It's nice to get a picture of the place, but try to paint an image for us that's more unusual-- how can you describe the ruined building in a unique and interesting way? Did the chandeliers sway hypnotically? Use all of your literary devices-- similes, metaphors, imagery, hyperbole, personification --to really make this haunted house come alive for us. Otherwise, it doesn't really feel haunted. We're being told it's scary-- show us why we should be scared!

At the end of Mason Road, lives an old abandoned house

Can houses live somewhere? They're not alive at all, so you may want to reconsider this first sentence.

The house itself is in taters, windows are shattered, the door broken down.

Tater tots are potatoes. You mean tatters. Be sure to proofread!

Basically, if you'd like to edit this and improve upon it, I'd suggest you expand and flesh out this setting. Instead of them dashing in and out of the house in a paragraph's time, have the characters explore the house more. There's no real conflict here-- what makes the house so creepy? Does something jump out at them? Do they think they hear the ghost?

Anyway, it's an interesting start, and your writing is clean for the most part! Happy writing and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

hi there
I'm getting some really creepy vibes! You paint a fantastic picture with your words, and this is short and sweet and lovely. Fantastic work!

What I'm going to do now is be really annoying and nit-picky and give you really detailed pointers to make your writing EVEN BETTER. Ready?!

The house itself is in taters, windows are shattered, the door broken down. It is quite a spooky place!

OK, so you're writing about a really scary haunted house, so you want to adjust the way you're writing to make it even scarier, so go on here a little bit, emphasising odd details (like the previous reviewer said), like maybe how the wind whistles through the open windows like a howl, or how on a moonlit night, the silvery light filters through the exposed rafters of the roof. Go wild with it! And put it all in this sentence. Also, did you notice how sombre my tone was just then? That's the kind of thing you're going for - so take out that exclamation mark! As a general rule, try to use them ONLY when writing speech - you are perfectly capable of writing in an exciting way, you don't need to fall back on the mark!

I only went in because if I didn’t I’d been called a chicken.

I'd write it like this: "I only went in because if I hadn't, I'd have been called a chicken." Thank the English language for having so many different versions of the past tense!

His house doesn’t have any electricity because it is quite old so we used flash lights.

So the house does not have any electricity because it is quite old, but you used flash lights? Make sure you stay in the right tense when you're writing! I know it can feel weird, and sometimes I'm not sure how I should describe something, but if you're writing in the past tense "I said" "we went", then it's "His house didn't have any electricity because it was quite old, so we used flash lights."

Overall, very very promising for someone your age! Be proud of what you're achieving and keep up the good work

~*cottonrulz*~