Young Writers Society

“Go fuck yourself.” Blonde, thin, tan, manicured, perfumed. Lipstick the color of blood – not quite, but similar enough. Beautiful girl. Her name is Kelly. Cocaine addict, dabbles in heroin. Sleeps around to score more drugs. Not all rumors are to be believed, though, especially those spread by bitter ex-boyfriends.
“God, I hate Paul.”
I light a cigarette. “Who’s Paul?”
She tosses her cell phone on the bed and hugs me. “Just this guy, this real asshole I know.”
“What did he do?”
“What didn’t he do?”
This doesn’t make much sense to me but I don’t say so. I take a long drag, exhale, and watch the smoke rise up to the ceiling.
We’re in her room and and it’s the middle of November and the weather is cold as hell and I’m trying to figure out where my life is going.
“It’s fucking cold in this room.”
“You want a blanket? I can get you a blanket.” She walks to her closet and takes out a black sleeping bag. “Here. Wear this.”
“Haha. Funny.” I wrap the bag around myself.
“It’ll keep you nice and toasty.”
“Toasty?”
“Yeah.” She giggles. “What? What other word was I supposed to use? ‘Warm’ is so boring.”
I laugh. I think about where I should put out this cigarette. “Where should I put this?”
“Toilet. I guess. I really need to get an ashtray.”
“I’ll buy you one.” I drop the cigarette in the toilet and flush. It shrivels and disappears. “For Christmas.”
“Wow, almost as good as the decorative photo album you got me last year.”
“Hey, it’s the thought that counts. I didn’t get my other friends anything.”
“That’s because you don’t have any other friends.”
“That’s it. You’re getting it now.” I grab her and tackle her to the ground. I hold her tiny arms as she laughs and cries and laughs some more. I make funny faces, noises. It feels like a routine, and her response is the same every time. Submissive, flirtatious. But I don’t want her.

---

“What am I doing here, Hal? I’m so bored all the time. The people here are so fucking… boring.”

“Hal.”

“Hal. Wake up.”

I wake with a start. It’s three in the morning and Sandra has been talking for the past five hours about some crisis she’s having. “I’m listening.”
“No you’re not. You’re sleeping. You’re fucking sleeping when I’m talking to you.”
“Sandra, it’s three in the morning. Sorry if I’m a little slow on the uptake.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
She hangs up. I put the phone down and go to sleep. If I remember, I’ll apologize in the morning.

---

I meet Ben at a nearby café. Ben is a handsome, nineteen-year old boy. He puts his head in his hands and sighs deeply. “So I think the cops are after me.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, I met this chick last night at the club.”
“Yeah, and?”
“I fucked her.”
“No surprise there.”
“She thinks she might be pregnant.”
“You came in her?”
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to. I thought I could pull out before.”
“Before. You’re a fucking moron.”
“I didn’t have a condom, alright? What was I supposed to do?”
“Uh... not have sex with her?”
“You kidding me? She was fine, dude.”
“So what did she do? What did she say?”
“She started crying and said she was a virgin.”
This makes me laugh.
Ben raises his voice. “It’s not fucking funny Hal. She’s fourteen.”
“Oh. Shit.”
“It’s not my fault. She said she was eighteen when I asked her and she looked eighteen – older even. How was I supposed to know? But the police aren’t going to believe anything I say. They’re going to believe her, the poor young innocent victim who may or may not become pregnant with an unwanted child. Fucking whore. I’m going to kill that fucking whore. I’m going to slit her fourteen-fucking-year old throat.”
“Take it easy man. Let’s talk about this.”
Ben suddenly loses his conversational tone and stares blankly ahead. “You know Hal, I didn’t rape her.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“You don’t think I raped her, do you?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Good, because I didn’t. I wouldn’t do something like that. She’s just a kid. I wouldn’t do that to a kid.”
“I know you wouldn’t.”
“That’s the reason I can’t let her go to the police. You see? I can’t let her ruin my reputation.”
“Your dad’s a lawyer. He’ll get you out of this.”
“No, Hal, he won’t.” He looks directly at me, exasperated. “You don’t get it. You’re too… naïve. But it was nice seeing you.”
Ben puts a fifty on the table and leaves. We didn’t order anything.

The dialogue is great. It flows well, it's realistic, and it actually breathes life into the characters. Superb on that account.

You have three different scenes here, that while connected, are kind of hard to put together. I had to read it a couple times in order to understand what was going on. The third is plain enough, I don't know how the second connects other than as a transition to the next speaker, and the first seems to recount Ben's encounter with the 14 year old girl, but I'm not sure about that.

If it's all Hal speaking, then it makes more sense as a day in the life type story; it's all seemingly routine to him and quite depressing to him. Then there's the ending scene, which is shocking, but doesn't convey a strong profound statement.

But, all in all, I really enjoyed reading this. It captivated me, and it actually made me think about the story. Your characters are extremely life-like, your dialogue is amazing, and everything is very well written. I had some problems with the plot, and I thought that it was confusing, but it's still well put together.

Excellent.

The dialogue was good and very realistic. But, as the big chimp himself said, it doesn't really connect well. We're never really sure who the narrator is. If we knew, it might help a bit.