Let it Fall

FOR MATURE READERS! I can't really rate it, but this can get a little weird. So be mature and leave good criticism. Thank you and now ON TO THE STORY!!!

I jerked my hands again, both bound together to the bars on her headboard. I could see the streetlight flicker on outside her window. I needed to be home soon before my parents noticed my absence. It would be a while, but I still wanted to be sure that I wouldn't get in trouble.

She sat above me, on top of my waist, not allowing me to move. Her hair fanned over her face, so I couldn't see the evil look in her eyes as she played with the knife in her hand. I was her toy and she was looking for blood tonight.

Her hand ran up my shirt, pushing it up so that she could see the only skin she hadn't cut up yet. She touched it gently and the butterflies fluttered at her soft touch. My thoughts clouded over and I found it hard to believe that she'd be a true sadist. I remained silent, since that was her will.

"What to do, what to do," she murmured, tracing patterns with the blade of her knife. "You disobeyed me again. I thought I would have taught you the last time. You said you'd be good for now on. You lied." Her eyes flashed with a look of anger, but then matched the cold tone she used. She pushed her blonde hair away so she could see me better. "You're mine, Kana. Mine alone." She pursed her lips as she traced her first initial on my stomach.

"I know that!" I pleaded. "Don't hurt me! I understand. I won't do that again."

She shook her head and smiled. It was one that shook me to my core. It was harsh and angry. "So you don't want to play with me anymore? Am I boring you? Do you want to go be with that other girl you like so much?" she asked, stabbing the knife into my stomach. I could feel a trickle of blood fall from where she sliced it.

"No! There is no other girl!" I yelled, denying that completely. I never hung out with any other girls because of her jealous streak.

"Bullshit" she screeched, taking the knife and jerking it across my face. Blood fell from underneath my eye. "You bitch, you faggot, you dyke, you nigger, I want you to remember who owns your ass!" she yelled, slicing the first initial, an A, into my arm.

"Stop it! It hurts!" I yelled, trying to move away, to get away from the knife. "I know you own me, I know you do!"

She only laughed. "No. No you don't. I'll help you remember though."

"I'll tell," I whispered. "I swear I will."

She cocked her head to the side and smirked. "What will you say, your girlfriend did this?" she asked, knowing my response.

I stammered and closed my eyes. "I hate you. I will end this," I whispered.

"You can't do anything about this," she replied, laughing. "You're a fag, remember?"

I turned my head to the side and tried to hide my tears as she carved her name into my arm.

Comment or whatever. If you are angry about what issues I put in this, then just talk about the other stuff instead of that. Kay, kay? Thanks.

Hello!

This was really interesting, I'm curious to find out what happens next.

There were a few things that you might want to fix... First, was the gender of the person, I assumed that it was a girl due to the name calling but otherwise it never really states it. It would be best to let the reader know the character's gender as early in the story as you can. Some simple ways would be describing a part of them self that is a bit more gender specific (such as curves, longer hair, breasts, etc.).

Do you want to go be with that other girl you like so much?" she asked, stabbing the knife into my stomach. I could feel a trickle of blood fall from where she sliced it.

"No! There is no other girl!" I yelled, denying that completely. I never hung out with any other girls because of her jealous streak.

The "denying that completely part" is a bit confusing and redundant. Then, I think that the character needs to react more to the knife. Especially the "stabbing the knife into my stomach" part, umm I think that would be REALLY painful, she needs to react to that.

The same with this:

I turned my head to the side and tried to hide my tears as she carved her name into my arm.

Either say that they tried to ignore it or describe the pain so that we can feel the character's pain.

Otherwise, good imagery, this was an interesting read.

PM me with any questions
-Once

It feels weird to say it given the subject matter of the above piece, but nice. Very smooth read, nearly top to bottom. I like how you implied the lesbian relationship rather than stating it outright. It gave it a feeling closer to real, less like you were writing the couple just for the sake of writing one.

I needed to be home soon before my parents noticed my absence. It would be a while, but I still wanted to be sure that I wouldn't get in trouble.

That bit seemed weird to me, given the context. Their hands are bound, their mobility is limited. Sitting on top of them is someone holding a knife with the intention of doing harm. Someone they may love, granted, but even so, is this really the right time to be thinking about self-imposed curfew and angry parents when they realize you're not there? I say "may" love because it's not really clear what the status of their relationship is in that way. You mention that the MC doesn't hang out with other girls due to her partner's jealousy. The above quote implies that this is a situation in which the MC is willingly participating in. On that note for a moment, if they were/are a willing participant, then the quoted lines flow a bit better. It explains the lack of fear or attempts to escape the situation. Anyways. That, and

I remained silent, since that was her will.

that both hint that this wasn't a surprise attack. Still, it's not very clear right off the bat. It kind of wavers back and forth, which is somewhat distracting. "I jerked my hands again, both bound together to the bars on her headboard" << First line of the story, first image I have is someone being held captive. Then the line about the parents. That kind of transitions it. The "I wouldn't get in trouble" line in combination with the one directly after is and instant adjustment to "They're about to have sex, and probably tooling around with light bondage. The MC is willing." Then the line about her "evil" expression, which makes my mind adjust its previous thought to, "...Or maybe not so willing?" Followed by a series of questions evaluating the situation. Attack? Abusive relationship? Kidnap by an ex-girlfriend?

Then, "I was he toy and she was looking for blood tonight." The "tonight" and "toy" part swung me back to thinking this was just part of their relationship. At the same time, it can swing the other way entirely. Lack of fight, fear, or thoughts regarding escape in general implied to me that the MC was alright with all this, but the ending, and the objections to some extent, worked in the other direction, making me think that, alright, maybe the MC is alright with this, but maybe it's more coerced. As in, their girlfriend may have been into it/wanting to try it, but not so much for them. Still, to make her happy, they agreed to give it a go and things developed from there until they get to this point.

But again, I don't know what the intent of the girlfriend is, and that kind of sets the stage. If she knows there is no other girl, then this can easily pass as just a scene/fantasy that they/she is acting out. However, your MC hints that she gets jealous, so who knows. Hard to say.

Other than that, though, it was a very smooth read. Definitely a bit different from the usual material posted on here. What sets it apart more is that it's well written. You did an exceptionally good job of showing, not telling. Implying the details that set the background information -- that was really well done.

Post more works soon, yeah? Look forward to seeing what you write next.

--> About the concept, I LIKE it! haha! It must be kind of brutal but I was totally fascinated with that type of story/essay/novel (yeah, that's the creepy side of me! ha! ha!) And about edits, this is just the things that I found where I would like to give my suggestions. You can ignore it if you want, it's up to you. :3

You said you'd be good for now on.

--> I suggest this to be, "You said you'd be good [from] now on."

Do you want to go be with that other girl you like so much?

---> I think this should be, "Do you want to go [with the] other girl you like so much?" or "Do you want to [be with the] other girl you like so much?"

"Bullshit" she screeched,

--> "Bullshit[,]" she screeched,

+ But anyway, you've got a very interesting and good story :3

love,
CS