The Unfortunate Reality

Spoiler

This is my first post on YWS and I was encouraged to simply post by a friend. It's also one of the first things I have written outside of school and the Fanfiction 'genre'
I really hope you do enjoy reading it

There were footsteps coming up to the door. I frantically listened to try to determine who it might be. The slight pressure on the right foot; the way each step sounded like it was dragging across gravel; rate of travel that the undead could probably compete with. It was all too familiar. It was her. I couldn't get rid of her no matter what I did, how much I upset her or what I dragged her into. She failed to see what she was doing to me. She failed to understand me. She failed at her role in my life. Unfortunately, it was one of the more vital ones.

The handle bent down and the door creaked as it was forced open against my will. She came into the room with her version of a stern look on her face: smiling as if I were somehow as happy as she looked.

"Allie-Rose! Are you still doing your homework?" she asked in that cheerful yet accusing tone.
"Yes, yes I am, mum." I replied a little too dismissively.

Yes, she was my mother. No, I didn't love her. I didn't even like her. Yes, my name is Allie-Rose. If I was a character in some novel with a plot where the protagonist miraculously triumphs over all the 'evil', I would be the Mary-Sue everyone would constantly criticise. Unfortunately, this was not one of those novels.

Moments before, I minimized the Internet browser window on my laptop containing tabs showing my 'secret' email account, a virtual pets site and a social network I was still too young to have an account on. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to fool a computer-illiterate 40-year-old whose goal in life was to help me succeed and push me to go further (read as take away all fun as far as she knew and force me to study for pointless amounts of time).

I was in a conversation with my best friend at that point and I warned her that my mother probably had a set arrival, so she probably went offline shortly after. She arrived and was prepared to never let me out of her sight.

She lat down on my bed. My bed. She always did. She never noticed how much it bothered me. I glared evilly at her, waiting for her to make a move: a move that would give me reason to remove her by force. It never came. I returned to the window of non work-related tabs, procrastinating from the homework I had done hours before. It was my only free time, after all. There was no need to waste it on something as mediocre as homework.

To my disappointment, my best friend was offline. Next to her name (only appearing to me as 'Katherine 'Kathy' Br...' due to its length) was a little grey dot. She wasn't on. I continued to do my non-existent homework before panicking. I realised she had gone offline before I got a chance to send that last message, so never saw it.

I tapped the keyboard nervously. What could've happened? Is she in serious trouble? Did she need to go without a chance to say goodbye? Was the computer seized by her siblings? Did she hate me? A string of possibilities ran through my head. It probably wasn't advisable to think of all the negatives, but I was doing it anyway.

At last, 10 minutes later, she was online again.

"sorry, mum came in," the message she sent read.
"Well, so did mine =P' I replied.

The conversation restarted. She was still there, but it didn't matter. I sat there and chatted for the rest of the night. It was my escape: my escape from my unfortunate reality.

Hello Sensei! Gosh, I love your username. Welcome to YWS! It's really nice here, and I hope you use it for all it's worth. Have you introduced yourself at the welcome area yet? It's under the community tab. I'm sure people would love to get to know you. Better get to the review! This is a short story, correct?

This story had a nice "feel" to it. Your grammar is great for your age, too. I'm going to start with some nitpicks and then I'll go on to my overall impression.

The slight pressure on the right foot; the way each step sounded like it was dragging across gravel; rate of travel that the undead could probably compete with.

I love the metaphor in this, but the phrasing is a little awkward. Consider rephrasing the sentence so it flows better.

"sorry, mum came in," the message she sent read.
"Well, so did mine =P' I replied.

Actually, sensei, this would look better if you actually made this look like an online chat. Something like:

KILLERGRL: sorry, mum came in
XxMandyxX: Well, so did mine =P

Most modern books arrange it like that these days, when two people are talking online. You don't have to do it, but it would give it a cute touch.

OVERALL:

This piece was a cute look into a girl's life, but something was missing. To the reader it feels as if you had just started in the middle of a novel, depicting a scene of a girl's day. We don't get anything by the end, and we don't have much context. There isn't much here that feels like a story. The lack of a resolution kind of does this. To make this story really hit home, you need to expand on the details and plot a bit and make it feel like the reader has just read a short story and not an excerpt from a novel. Expand on the mediocrity that is this girls life. Why does she hate her mother so much, or is it just a girl thang? More details will make this story pop when the girl finally says that the internet is her way to escape. Even go a little more into how it is. In short, just make this lovely story have more of an end feel to it. Right now it feels cut off. The meaning of your story was awesome.

Well, that's it from me! I loved this. Keep writing no matter what. If you ever have any questions, just Private Message (PM) me! Have a great writing adventure.

Esther

Thanks! It was just something I felt like doing on a relatively boring Friday night. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. I feel like elaborating more on the story at this point. I really enjoyed writing it.

I'll be sure to have a look at the forum and *hopefully* introduce myself.

Thanks again for the review!

SENSEI!!! (Can I use your real name?)
You've posted! YAY!
I saw the 'senseiawesome has posted an item' thing on my Feed and I was like, AHA! So I got to it immediately.
You ARE good at writing! Stop being so modest.
First, I really liked this. It was engaging and your grammar was very good as well. I liked your descriptions and for such a short piece, that character development was great.
I would have to agree with Esther, however, on the fact that it sounded more like an excerpt from a novel than a short story. I found myself wanting to find out more about why she doesn't love, or even like, her mother; I found myself wanting the story to continue. It just felt too short for the style it was set in, know what I mean?
Probably not.
Grammar? Nope, not really - not that I can find. You seem to have done a very good job in that aspect!
Do you want to make it into a story? NO PRESSURE, but if you could figure out a plot, that would, I think, be great.
It doesn't really have a resolution - maybe that's why I wanted to know more.
Anyway, as I said, I love this. It's really, really, good. And I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it, so accept the compliment!
Whatever you do, keep writing - you seem to have a gift for it!
- Ignis

Thanks Iggy (Vicky told me to use Iggy. If you would prefer something else, please do not hesitate to tell me). Just call me Sensei. I prefer it over A.Nonymous which really doesn't relate to this online persona. Yes, I do know what you mean. I felt the same in a way. I want to make it into a full story in a way, but I know I'd just get bored with the plot at some point and then ignore the story forever, like those REALLY long Fanfiction I started writing as well as a shorter one.