The loss of a loved one

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It happened little over 8 years ago. At first, I couldn’t get it out of my mind, but time has the tendency to cloud memories. I remember she was my little sister, whom I wanted to protect; I remember holding her when she needed a hug. When she was sad I’d comfort her, and try to get her to laugh. I remember when she sat in the back of my tricycle, laughing when the wind rushed by as i sped around the house. Among those memories is something more painful.

Earlier that day, I remember coming home from school, happy as always when she came to greet me. Her sweet laugh melted my heart, and she would pester me to come play with her. I was never in the mood. How I would give up anything to play with her for just one day. My father and brother were talking, mostly about school and how their days had gone. I’d join them eagerly and tell them what I learned that day. It was just a regular day, nothing special, no different than any other day.

My brother and I usually spent all our time together; I looked up to him and thought he was the best. She always looked up to me and told me I was “the beeeast”, and I would laugh at her attempt to say “the best”, but alas - she was only 3 years old. God, she was smart for a 3 year old; she would talk and ask questions among so many other things. My mother was always proud of how quickly she picked up the meaning of the words we used. Well, there were things she didn’t know understand, like how to ride a bike..or how to swim. That night changed me. That night was the night I finally, truly understood the meaning of the word “death”.

My father, brother, and I went out to go to the grocery store. Little did we know what was in store for us that night. We would usually take about an hour to gather all of the necessities, but that night, left the grocery store 45 minutes early. My brother and I knew nothing, but that look on my fathers face...that anguished look... It was an expression worn only by a person in absolute shock and sorrow. That expression told me that something had happened; something terrible.

We arrived at our house to find police cars parked at the front; I still didn’t understand what was going on. We saw our sister being questioned by an officer. Her face resembled my father's expression, and she seemed totally shocked. My brother picked up the pieces. “Bro, I think you should stay in the car,” he said, his voice grim as he told me.

I still did could not comprehend what has had happened. I looked to my brother again; this time tears were flowing from his eyes. My father told both of us to stay in the car. My brother wanted to say something, but the look my father gave him was enough to stop him. After what seemed like ages, my father came back into the car with tears streaming down his anguished face.

“I’m dropping you at your grandmother's,” he managed to say.

When we arrived at my grandmothers house, all my aunts where there - cousins too. At first I thought they were here to have a gathering like we always did on Thursdays, but today was a Tuesday and they were all crying. I was so confused; nothing made sense today. We sat in a room with all our cousins, crying they were, as was my brother. I still didn’t understand what was happening, so I just sat there looking at the wall wondering what could explain all of this.

Then, the weirdest thing happened. My aunt came into the room and walked up to me, her eyes bloodshot in the face of a saddened woman. “Your sister is with God now. She’s up in heaven now,” she said in a deathly whisper.

It suddenly hit me. Emotions coursed through me. I then knew, but wished I didn’t. I looked around - everyone was crying. As for myself, I didn’t cry; I was so shocked that my mind still didn’t comprehend what my emotions were telling me. I felt a deep hole in my heart, the hole that was my definition of death.

I can’t remember the date, just the day and how old she was. On a Tuesday, in the year of 2002, a little girl of 3 years drowned in a public pool. She was found facing downwards on the surface of the water when her sister discovered her. She was still alive which triggered little hope as the ambulance made a hurried attempt to get pump the water out of her chest. They weren’t successful.

On a Tuesday, in the year of 2002, I lost my little sister.
Last edited by liquiddeath on Sun Jan 23, 2011 1:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
There is no good and evil, there's just perspective




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Hey,

I'm sorry if this is a true story that has happened to you.

The thing about the story is, you kinda knew from the off what was going to happen. From the title really.

I would try and make it more original, and try and remember the date as it kind of losses emotions without it.

Hope this helps.

~Retro Disco666
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Its been such a long time, it's hard to remember since it was 8 years ago. Also i try to forget the bad things in life, i still remember the good times we had.
Last edited by liquiddeath on Sun Jan 23, 2011 2:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Liquid.
This is beautiful. No wonder its close to your heart. If I'm honest it wasn't amazingly skillfull but it was seriously moving, breathtaking. I couldn't find anything wrong with it it just wasn't the kind of piece that thought you had amazing talent and would sign you up with a publisher but I don't think pieces like this are meant to be like that. You don't use fancy metaphors and description when it comes to such a subject.

I couldn't think of anything more horrible or traumatic then losing your little baby sister at three years old. It makes you really value your siblings. What a tragedy. D:

Your pace was a good speed and even though it wasn't an enjoyable subject (I don't mean that in a bad way I just mean that death isn't pleasent) it moved at an enjoyable pace.

I can't comment on grammar because you obviously edited and looked over this well. The plot will deff. touch readers and make them think twice about their little sisters.
This is very kind of you to share to the world and expecially asking me first. Its beautiful.

On the genre, I think try general fiction first, then maybe try action/adventure even though it still doesn't really fit. Or you could try non-fiction as you could make it in diary format or something along those lines.
Well done, this is really moving. I'm really teary at the moment. I would agree though. The title gives away too much.
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First let me say that I am sorry this ever took place.
Second the writing is amazing. The pace, spelling, and grammer were all great but I think what I liked the most is the number of details you put in. Enough to make me nearly cry but not enough to just be a huge biography. You did a great job on this story and there isn't a thing I would change about it.
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I hope this is not something that had happened to you, and I hope you won't mind if I treat this as a story, not a personal recollection. I can only review better that way, not having my mind clouded with emotion.

I have to agree with the other reviewers that the title, although it has not entirely taken away the emotional effect, more or less diminished its power. I feel moved by reading this story, however, I was not deeply moved. I see some basic form of tragedy writing here, with the introduction of a good relationship, and the building up of happy memories, untill the fall - the death of the other character.

o further empower the emotional effect, you could perhaps write a longer build up, let the readers be one with your protagonist and feel the way your protagonist would feel, by then they would develop an emotional bond with the protagonist, and would feel the pain when the little sister character is gone. And also, you could have the protagonist blaming himself, and thus show more of his powerlessness.

I hope this helps, and good luck in your writing.
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My little sister is five. I know exactly what you mean about giving anything to play with her. I hardly ever have time. I couldn't imagine losing her, and I'm so sorry you had to experience that. This is a beautiful story.

Like RainWanderer, I'm going to approach this as any other piece and give suggestions to make this an even more powerful story. :)

It happened little over 8 years ago.

I'm not a huge fan of this opening. Do you think you're parents could remember the date, and you could just simply state it? If not, you might consider something like "I can't remember the exact date." It's entirely up to you to open with something you think will grab your readers attention and set the tone.
time has the tendency to cloud memories.

I love this phrase, but to me, time doesn't cloud all memories, only the boring or traumatizing ones.

I remember she was my little sister

This statement feels a little awkward. Maybe, "I remember her, the little sister whom I wanted to protect."
the wind rushed by as #FF0000 ">I sped around


I know you probably don't want to speak ill of your sister, but was she always so sweet? It might be more emotionally engaging if you mention some of the times (if there were any) that you were frustrated or angry with her.

I was never in the mood. How I would give up anything to play with her for just one day.

This kind of broke my heart.

but that night, left the grocery store 45 minutes early

First of all, I think the sentence would be a little clearer if you put "we" before "left the grocery store." Second, why did you leave so early? Did your dad receive a phone call? If so, how did he react?
We saw our sister being questioned

This made me immediately think of your 3-year-old sister, and it took me a while to figure out that it was a different sister.

Then, the weirdest thing happened.

You don't need this sentence.
On a Tuesday, in the year of 2002, I lost my little sister.

Actually, here, I think it would be less emotional for you to state the exact date. There's something about this particular sentence that broke me down. :3

I know that you were really speaking from the heart in this, but there are some places where it gets a little too emotional for me. In the rest of your story, you are really good at making your reader feel something without actually telling them what to feel. See can do that throughout your story. I'm sure you can. :)

I agree that it wasn't the most technically sound, but the strength of the meaning of the story is worth telling in whatever format. :)
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