The Purple Shirted Annoyance

So, my internet is down. I'm slow on YWS for now. And I wrote this at 3 AM. It probably falls a little flat, but all the more reason to get feedback, right?
Feel free to tear this to bits- Thanks!
-Coral-


Her drumming fingers were driving him mad. Her rhythm was erratic at best, off-and-on again, beats in places they had no right to be in, throwing off any chance she ever had of completely an ear-worthy song. It would have been fine if she’d done it right, Freddy would have welcomed a bit of noise in the otherwise silent waiting room, but this? This disorderly mess of a song? It was unacceptable; a terrible show of what must be a terrifyingly chaotic mind. And yet, he remained silent. He knew that he must, despite having suffered it for what seemed to be forever. It was the longest four minutes of his life. But he must do it; that’s what his momma said to do, and he would do it, just like she said.
“You gotta keep all dat inside ya, Freddy. It’s not narmal to gitch yourself all warked up ‘bout little dings.” It’s what mama wanted, and he would do his best.
So Freddy sat and stared at his motionless hands, folded ever so carefully, emulating the peace he wished was in the girl’s hands. He tried to forget about those horrible hands, drumming away on the armchair across the narrow room.
When Dr. Lichtine called his name two minutes later, Freddy rose from his uncomfortable chair quickly and gratefully, and shot the nervous looking finger-drummer the dirtiest look he could muster up. Her fingers stopped mid-beat, and her mouth just barely opened in surprise.
He took the one step into the doctor’s office (he always liked to sit right next to the door), and sharply closed the door behind him.
“Hello, Freddy.” Dr. Lichtine was sitting in one of the two armchairs across the room, which was a considerably great deal more comfortable than those in the waiting room. His office was comfortable, sparsely but tastefully furnished. It almost seemed like a home library, only the shelves were filled with books on psychiatry instead of trashy romance novels that had no right to be published.
Dr. Lichtine was very calm, as he always was, and looked quite pensive with his fingers steepled. Freddy was not calm.
“There is a girl out there, drumming her fingers.” His voice was acid. Despite his silence and attempt in the composure in the waiting room, Freddy’s momma said nothing about not talking about it later. And he was outraged.
“Yes, I guess there is. It’s quite a common occurrence though; wouldn’t you say so, Freddy? Why don’t you have a seat?”
“But she isn’t even doing it right! It’s all wrong, all of it! And she’s wearing a purple shirt!” He crossed the room and threw himself into the armchair, only to look up at Dr. Lichtine with a familiar ferocity. “On a WEDNESDAY! The gall!”

Interesting. Well developed for what it is, but lacking in overall effect because both its beginning and end are totally unknown. It seems like everything you post in the short stories section is snippets or scenes. Perhaps you'd like to try writing a whole story arc?

If simple character sketches are all you plan to do, then you're doing great. But eventually, character sketches are supposed to lead into something more, and we're going to expect you to post a "short story" in the "short story forum", and writing a whole story introduces new problems of maintaining interest, keeping your language vibrant and new, dealing with segues and "down-time" in the story, and really getting to know your characters and how they'll react to more than one stimulus.

And that last one really rears its head here because you've got a character that's so melodramatic and obviously has issues..................but what are those issues? How did they come about? How does it affect him and the supporting characters? That last question becomes especially apparent when we don't even see the doctor's reaction to his outburst.

Anyway...enough of that. Long story short, my overall impression is, "Good, you know who your character is for this scene...but so what?"

Now let's go through the story.

This disorderly mess of a song? It was unacceptable; a terrible show of what must be a terrifyingly chaotic mind.

If you're going to make him so morally and technically superior, then you have to give us a shred of evidence as to how and why he thinks he's so much better. Give us some technical details. Maybe she's jumping from 2/4 to 4/4 to some godawful abomination of 7/17(?!?) and sounds like some prestissimo garbage on speed.

“You gotta keep all dat inside ya, Freddy. It’s not narmal to gitch yourself all warked up ‘bout little dings.”

What the heck kind of accent is this? You can't just throw it in there and then leave it at that. It belies his supposed genius too much. If you do something like that, you can't not say anything about it.

But he must do it; that’s what his momma said to do, and he would do it, just like she said...It’s what mama wanted, and he would do his best.

Extreme repetition. Reads clumsily and like overkill.

When Dr. Lichtine called his name two minutes later, Freddy rose from his uncomfortable chair...He took the one step into the doctor’s office...Dr. Lichtine was sitting in one of the two armchairs across the room,

Perceived continuity problem. We imagine them sitting in the waiting room, with the doctor's door closed, probably because the doc is seeing some other patient. Then we assume that Lichtine opens the door a little and calls Freddy's name. Freddy immediately steps inside, and Lichtine is somehow already seated in a chair across the room. Just a minor issue, but one that jars the reader.

...and then the story's over. Over almost as soon as it actually started. The whole finger-drumming thing is exposition--turning the light on the main character. And as soon as the action starts (stand, step in, say hello to the doctor), the story's over. Sooo...I don't have much else to say. You seem to have a decent handle on your character, but it's hard to tell because there's only one facet barely illuminated here.

So those are my thoughts. Let me know if you have any questions.

OMG, I loved it! Character sketch or not, this is a story, Persephoneia, a really good one at that. I laughed at his annoyance, and I have to wonder, is there something wrong with this kid? Some mental disability, or obsessive problem? I especially like the part when he complains that the girl is wearing a purple shirt on a Wednesday. By the way, just wondering, what days are you supposed to wear purple on? Tuesdays, or what?

Hey Coral. I'm Moo, and I'll be reviewing this piece for you today.

I'll start with the good parts. There didn't seem to have many mistakes grammatically and I didn't spot any spelling mistakes either, so congrats on that. Your style was okay and you tended to keep things nice and simple (something I seriously cannot do.) Also I quite liked where you started off with this piece, as it caught my attention quite quickly. However, it's what happened after the start of the piece that let it down.

Okay so, I don't entirely get where this piece is going, or where it came from. I'll disagree with my fellow reviewer above, that it is not actually a story. We're missing a beginning an an end. I assume it's just supposed to be a random scene or something, but you didn't specify this in your AN so I don't have a clue.

Your MC is annoying, too. Why is he getting so mad over such a trivial action? As a reader I should be sympathetic to the MCs, but instead I felt sorry for the poor nervous woman in the waiting room and not giving a care about what happened to Freddy next. Frankly, Freddy was being cruel for no reason, and leaving the reader asking why is not always a good thing. Why is he in the waiting room? What has made Freddy so irascable? Where the heck did mama come from because that's once heck of an accent? (Lol, joke on the last one.) Freddy seems to only show his observations and how the woman's drumming is annoying him. This makes him more two dimensional as a character (mind you, this was a short peace and that made no room for character development at all. Might be helped by adding a beginning and ending.) If this is a character sketch, you haven't really demonstrated much character.

“But she isn’t even doing it right! It’s all wrong, all of it! And she’s wearing a purple shirt!” He crossed the room and threw himself into the armchair, only to look up at Dr. Lichtine with a familiar ferocity. “On a WEDNESDAY! The gall!”

A really odd ending. Is Freddy a child? He acts pretty childlike. I'm assuming he's seeing a psychiatrist or something, could it be something to do with that? I thought he could have OCD or the like. I don't know. It's not made clear.

Any comments or questions, shoot me a PM and I'd be glad to talk about anything I've said here.

-Moo

Wow. I loved the anger. It made the story so realistic I felt as if I was there listening to the horrible drumming. And the purple shirt mystery... awesome. You've left me wondering why purple shirts and Wednesdays can't be friends.

hmm...
that vwas cool i liked how it personifies that pet peeve that every one has that little thing that annoys them like me its havin the radio turned down so you can hear it but you can't make out what they're saying. freeddy's was off finger taps or finger tapping in general