Young Writers Society

hey, im onsa from england, uk....was browsing net and found this forum, its very cool indeed getting an opinion on a piece can be so difficult at times.
im posting this piece which i wrote abt 2 yrs ago i think lol just to see the responce so plz review it xxx

A blinding light hit me. actually hit me...hard in the face. Then a blow in my chest thrusting me back. I lay on the floor unable to move, my eyes shut tight because the light was too much. I could hear my heavy breathing and felt my heart thudding and my blood rushing through me. I lay there...for how long I do not know but I lay there in silence with only my slowing breath as a sign of my life. They say never is your mind completely blank, there is always something you think of. This moment for me was one of those...my mind was empty I thought of nothing I felt nothing no presence no air just the blinding light which made my vision with shuteyes glow. What was I to do? I could not open my eyes for the light, could not move for fear...so I just lay there.
Moments passed and I counted the seconds...then a memory flashed before my eyes.
The garden...no the field behind the block of flats. Yes…and Andrew wearing his black jeans the same pair he wore when we first stole from school after it closed.
He is holding a hammer...i know this scene. We were building a fort in the middle of the field Andrew was now pinning our sign up, a dagger with our initials unscripted on the blade A and C.

“Come and help Carl, you hold the nails.” Andrew’s shrill voice made me shudder, it was so real not like a memory but like I was a ghost watching the scene exactly as it happened.
“Carl, what the hell you doing? I said come on”

I see my house, the door newly painted red, the attic window cracked. I see my mom, the smile newly painted, the front left tooth cracked. She walked up the steps into the house me behind her. My shoulders are slumped but my uniform in perfect place and clean. I’m 8 my birthday was last month, 23rd of November. She opens the door and lets us in, then slams the door behind us.
She sighs, a heavy sigh, her head hangs low she leaves it there for a few seconds but she holds it up again and smiles at me her white teeth beaming.
“Tea and toast? You can have biscuits too”
I nod in approval, i always approved when she was like this. All perfect and ‘happy’.
My eyes open with a sudden jerk up my spine. The light is still there but now so dim it allows me to see. I wait for something to happen, saliva builds up in my mouth, I don’t swallow. No one or no thing said anything to me. It was vivid, my mind knew what was happening, and like something telepathic was telling me giving me knowledge of what was and what would happen.
I remember the screeching of tyres…I remember the feeling of the Honda bashing into me, and then it screeching away. And then the slow beep beep beep of the life support machine and I recall the moment with me in my unconscious mind my mother by my side and that is when I saw the blinding light.
I knew what was to happen now. I had come before my time and so was to go and fulfil what was written for me to do only then would I be admitted here.
The floor beneath me gave way and I started to fall. I did not kick or scream I just stayed still.
In a world that I could not call my own I fell face first into the soil from which I grew. It all was new again I felt like a newborn only I could see, speak, taste and understand. I took a step back not being able to take in the sight of the old chestnut; looking below it the fallen conkers seemed surreal. I felt the cold wind against my bare skin. My skin. I touched my arm, stroked it down to the tip of my fingers, I stared into my hands and then with a strike of realisation I saw I was back from the dead. But what did this mean, how would I live again? Would I be but a mere shadow, a form of darkness looking into my past like a mourning ghost? Would I endlessly reach out to my family but clutch nothing but air? Air, which I could no longer breathe.

Onsa, you'll need to change the title, if you haven't named your story yet you will have to title it 'Untitled'.

I quite liked it actually. However you forgot to capatilise the letter "i" in a number of places.

I’m 8 my birthday was last month, 23rd of November.

I think it would be better phrased if you wrote it :-

I am eight. My birthday was last month - the 23rd of November

However - I loved

It all was new again I felt like a newborn only I could see, speak, taste and understand. I took a step back not being able to take in the sight of the old chestnut; looking below it the fallen conkers seemed surreal. I felt the cold wind against my bare skin. My skin. I touched my arm, stroked it down to the tip of my fingers, I stared into my hands and then with a strike of realisation I saw I was back from the dead

This phrase just struck me.

Overall a nice piece of writing !!

thanx triona good to get some responce, and cheers for mentioning them i's lol xxx

First of all, since this is a writing site, we don't allow chatspeak. Otherwise, the mods go absolutely crazy. ^__^

Now! The story!

The biggest thing that needs to be changed about the story is the grammar. Now, I know I'm probably driving you crazy (I tend to do that to all writers here) but the more I read others' writing, the more I realize how important grammar is. When we write, we don't have the benefit of reading aloud the piece to readers. The way we say the words isn't passed on to the reader just by the text alone. It's passed by grammar.

The words don't really matter. For instance, you've probably seen a really really bad movie where the dialogue (if you only take the words) is great, but the way the actors say this dialogue stinks. Now, pretend that you are a comedian doing a one man show. If you use good style, good timing, and plenty of voice fluctuations, your viewers are going to laugh regardless of whether your material is funny -- or not.

Grammar is our device as a writer. Grammar tells the reader how our voices flucuate. It tells the reader how they should feel about the piece. Grammar is our voice.

Now, I realize this isn't the way that most writers think. Grammar is taught in the most boring way possible.

More later... I have to go.

Okay! Here I go!

A blinding light hit me. actually hit me...hard in the face.

Just a little thing: remember to captialize everything. ^_^ And I'm not quite sure the second sentence fits. It is rather catchy, mind you, but I don't really like the periods. They seem to be used rather... oh, what's the word? You have to be careful when you use those. Here it's fine, but later on when you use the dotdotdots, it gets annoying. But, on the whole, it is catchy. After all, why is she being hit in the face with a light? (Good imagery, by the way.)

Then a blow in my chest thrusting me back.

Hm... there's two things about this sentence which make it awkward. First thing I noticed was it was in the passive tense. What does that mean? It means that there is no direct object. For instance, if you wrote, "He thrusted me backwards" then the "he" would be the direct object. Now, obviously you want to make the force unknown. Right now, we're not at the point that we want to know who it is; we're happy to be kept in the dark because it's interesting. But the way it's phrased just seems awkward.

The second thing I noticed was it was in the present tense instead of the past tense. For your story, you're using the past tense, so when you use the present tense, it sounds awkward. (Remember: present tense is "I do" or "I am doing." Past tense is "I did" or "I have done.")

So how can you fix up this sentence?

"A blow hit my chest, thrusting me back."

In this sentence, the blow is the direct object, so it seems less awkward. And when you say "hit" it is in past tense, so automatically "thrusting" also becomes a past tense verb as well.

Cool, huh?

I lay on the floor unable to move, my eyes shut tight because the light was too much. I could hear my heavy breathing and felt my heart thudding and my blood rushing through me.

Too many ands. I would change some of the verbs around to make it flow a little bit smoother. So:

"I could hear my heavy breathing and my heart thudding as blood rushed through me."

It makes it a little different, therefore it's catchy. We readers love catchy!

I lay there...for how long I do not know but I lay there in silence with only my slowing breath as a sign of my life.

You're using the word lay too much. It's been used three times so far, and you're only on the third sentence! You can try to vary your verbs, but that might not help. I would suggest looking critically at the sentences and weeding out what is important and what isn't. Is it really that important that she is lying on the floor? Is it worth repeating three times?

Now, I understand what the problem here is. Yesterday, I was trying to write a chapter (I've been working on the same stupid chapter for months now) and I was having difficulty introducing a scene. On one hand, if I didn't have those words in, it would seem awkward. The transitioning would be weird and the whole chapter would suck because of that.

But there is a way around that! If you try to rewrite the paragraph, you'll eventually come up with a paragraph you like. Yes, it seems nit-picky, nor will anyone notice it. Believe me; they won't. But they will notice it if it seems the least bit awkward.

And... there's also something weird about the sentence. More particular, the last part of the sentence. When I first read it, I picked up on it, and it bugged me, but I didn't realize what it was until now. In the first part, you're talking from the narrator's perspective. She is lying there, apparently no too happy, and then in the next part of the sentence, you go above her and tell us what she's doing. "...with only my slowing breath as a sign of my life." We know she is alive. If you were writing in third person and had something like:

"A girl lay on the concrete floor. She did not move, save for her mouth when she opened her lips to breath. Her breathing was shallow. She would not live long."

But you aren't writing in third person, so you don't have that luxury. What you see, what you hear, what you smell, what you sense, what you touch, what you think, is what your character sees, hears, smells, senses, touches, and thinks. This doesn't mean writing in first person is bad mind you. It just means it's a little trickier. I know that when I write in first person, often I give the character too much of the senses, and it all ends up awkward. It's really quite tricky... ><

They say never is your mind completely blank, there is always something you think of.

A little awkward. The "never" seems out of place and I think you need something to join this sentence. I recommend: "They say your mind is never completely blank, that there is always something you think of."

This moment for me was one of those...my mind was empty I thought of nothing I felt nothing no presence no air just the blinding light which made my vision with shuteyes glow.

Get rid of the dotdotdots and replace it with just a period. It'll make the sentence that much better. And add a couple of commas to the next sentence. I would suggest something like this:

"This moment for me was one of those. My mind was empty. I thought of nothing, I felt nothing. No presence, no air, just the blinding light which made my vision with shut eyes glow."

This makes the sentences run much smoother.

And then, the last part, "which made my vision with shut eyes glow." I misread it the first time and thought you were saying the shut eyes were glowing. Then I reread it and said to myself, "Aha! Her vision of it is glowing!" But even that sounds awkward. I would suggest describing another aspect of herself. Maybe the heat radiating from the light? It's easier to describe.

What was I to do? I could not open my eyes for the light, could not move for fear...so I just lay there.

No more laying, please. ><

Moments passed and I counted the seconds...then a memory flashed before my eyes.

Uh oh... I sense a clichéd line...

Okay, okay, I'll try to be serious. This seems like a weak attempt at getting the reader interested in your character. To me, it seems like you realized that the only aspects of your character you were describing were physical ones and now you're trying to get us interested in her life.

I think that you may be able to fix this if you cut down more of the laying and put more of the memory in. *shrugs* It's your call really...

“Come and help Carl, you hold the nails.” Andrew’s shrill voice made me shudder, it was so real not like a memory but like I was a ghost watching the scene exactly as it happened.

A little awkward. "Andrew's voice made me shudder; it was so real. It didn't feel like a memory, but as if I were a ghost watching the scene exactly as it happened."

And remember the "I were a ghost." When you express something doubtful like that ("If I were president...") you use were.

“Carl, what the hell you doing? I said come on”

"Carl, what the hell are you doing?" I said. "Come on!"

I see my house, the door newly painted red, the attic window cracked. I see my mom, the smile newly painted, the front left tooth cracked.

Beware: you're using present tense.

She walked up the steps into the house me behind her.

You're using past tense.

My shoulders are slumped but my uniform in perfect place and clean.

You're using present tense.

I’m 8 my birthday was last month, 23rd of November.

Write out the word "eight." And... it might be better as "I'm eight. My birthday was last month, 23rd of November."

Oh, and you're using present tense.

She opens the door and lets us in, then slams the door behind us.
She sighs, a heavy sigh, her head hangs low she leaves it there for a few seconds but she holds it up again and smiles at me her white teeth beaming.
“Tea and toast? You can have biscuits too”
I nod in approval, i always approved when she was like this. All perfect and ‘happy’.

Work on the punctuation mistakes here. There are a lot of them. I suggest picking up a grammar book. (I have several which I can recommend, if you're interested in that type of stuff.)

My eyes open with a sudden jerk up my spine.

Is she still in the memory? If she isn't, you might want to change the wording around so that it's in past tense. If you use present tense for the memory and past tense for the things happening right now, it might work out, but you have to be consistant.

It was vivid, my mind knew what was happening, and like something telepathic was telling me giving me knowledge of what was and what would happen.

Huh? What are you trying to say?

Here's what you do: say aloud what you want to express. Nine times out of ten, what you end up saying aloud will be infinitely better than what you wrote. Believe me...

I remember the screeching of tyres…I remember the feeling of the Honda bashing into me, and then it screeching away.

Tires! Tires!

Okay, I'm done.

This may be a better way to express that sentence: "I remember the feeling of the car bashing into me, before it rushed away."

I changed Honda to car since that seems to make this piece more timeless. Then I changed the verb "screetch" because you used it once already in the same sentence. And I slightly rearranged the words around for a better feeling.

And then the slow beep beep beep of the life support machine and I recall the moment with me in my unconscious mind my mother by my side and that is when I saw the blinding light.

Once again, what are you trying to say? I like the first part of the sentence, but once you start talking about recalling moment with unconscious mind, it seems a little awkward.

I knew what was to happen now.

How? We're not even sure what she's doing.

I had come before my time and so was to go and fulfil what was written for me to do only then would I be admitted here.

Now I'm lost... she came before her time? She would only be admitted... where? The hospital? What are you trying to say?

The floor beneath me gave way and I started to fall. I did not kick or scream I just stayed still.
In a world that I could not call my own I fell face first into the soil from which I grew. It all was new again I felt like a newborn only I could see, speak, taste and understand. I took a step back not being able to take in the sight of the old chestnut; looking below it the fallen conkers seemed surreal. I felt the cold wind against my bare skin. My skin. I touched my arm, stroked it down to the tip of my fingers, I stared into my hands and then with a strike of realisation I saw I was back from the dead.

How does she know she's back?

But what did this mean, how would I live again? Would I be but a mere shadow, a form of darkness looking into my past like a mourning ghost? Would I endlessly reach out to my family but clutch nothing but air? Air, which I could no longer breathe.

It depends...

Okay! So... I read it.

The story was interesting, but I think it could be better with a little more description and depth for certain things (the memory with Carl) and less on some others (the beginning). What can I say? Sometimes less is more.

But what's really holding back the story from its full potential is the grammar. I was extremely nit-picky, not because I hate you, but because I think this might become something really really cool, if only some of the sentences were cleaned up. Mind you, it has a lot of potential.

So! Thus is my critique. I don't pretend that it was the gentlest critique in the world, and most likely (well... if you were me anyway) you are probably extremely annoyed. I think most writers are when I critique their work. So! My advice: ignore it. Tell yourself that I am an inexperienced homeschooler twerp who doesn't know what she's talking about (you would be completely right in thinking that, lol) and look over my critique critically. Skim it first, and then, after a couple of minutes, look at it again. Read your story, then look at it. I'm not perfect; some of my advice for "improving" the story might fail. (Well... except for the grammar part. )

Good luck and see you around! It's nice to see the new styles which the new people bring in. It can be quite refreshing. ^___^