All Hallows Eve

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“Do I really have to do this?”

“You do if you want to hang out with us.”

A small group of teenagers stood at the edge of the woods, a cloud slowly passed over the moon, three quarters of the way full, blocking out it light for a moment. Matt hugged his sweatshirt tighter to his body, suppressing a shiver.

“Why am I even doing this? I mean what’s the point?” He asked.

“Look, all you have to do is go up to the cabin and peel off like some paint from the front door or something to prove you actually did it. If you really want to be out friend you’ll do it. We can’t be seen with a wuss.”

Matt took a deep breath, and took a step into the trees. He tried not to think about the story the other kids and told him, about a couple who used to live out in this cabin, the husband was a violent drunk, and used to beat his wife. Until one day she had had enough, she killed him, and cut his body in half burying the two pieces in different places. It was said now that the cabin was haunted and no one went near it.

“Except me”

It was rough being the new kid in town; all he wanted to do was fit in. these were the coolest kids in school, you had to be tested to make sure you were worthy enough t be seen with them.

“Halloween…they couldn’t have picked a better day. He thought sarcastically.

Slowly the rundown cabin came into view; it had obviously been abandoned for years. There were large holes in the roof, the windows were either boarded up, or busted out, but a vivid red painted door stood out even from the shadows of the rotted porch. His heart began to pound as he made his way to the bottom of the stairs, cautiously placing his foot on the first step he began to climb.

He could feel his pulse racing as he reached the top, the door within arms length. The bare trees rattled as a cold breeze blew though them.

“Alright, let’s just do this quickly and get out of here.” He told himself, stretching his hand to the chipping door. The second his fingertips touched the wood a bone chilling scream jolted his inter body. He jumped back, taking off running as fast as his legs would carry him. He could hear something following him, the sound of crunching leaves not far behind. Taking a quick look over his shoulder, he immediately wished he hadn’t.

It had once been a man, but now it no eyes, only sunken pits where its eyes should have been. It ran after him, not with legs, but on its hands its whole lower half missing.
Adding a burst of speed the boy didn’t think he had in him, he also heard it speed up behind him. It was a horrific sight, but he couldn’t help himself, taking a peek over his shoulder. It ran at an ungodly speed, its sockets seemed to bore straight into him, sending a chill down his spine. Trees blurred as he ran, his lungs felt like they were on fire, and his whole body was covered in a cold sweat. It was closer then before, and gaining, but suddenly a ray of hope…the edge of the woods was in sight.
He wasn’t even fifty feet away when he felt a boney claw grab his ankle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The chief pulled up the yellow tape, ducking underneath it, walking over to the officer photographing the sectioned off area.

“I can’t understand it sir,” The man with the camera said rising from his place over the body. “His legs are gone, it looks as if his inter lower body was ripped clean off…”
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hello,

So this is super creepy, so naturally, I love it. :D Super appropriate for Halloween. I'm not sure how much you actually want to edit this, but I'll give you some suggestions anyway.

Well, first, there are a few typos throughout, but if you read through this again I am sure they will be easy to spot.

Other than that, the one big suggestion I have is to add more, build up more suspension, as he is going to the house, and particularly as he is being chased by the monster, give us more eerie details: about the ghost, the house, the action. Maybe you could even show us the scene with the husband and wife. Slow down time, describe every second, every thought, make us wait longer for the end, etc. I think it just would add more to the overall creepiness.

I adore the ending, It's simple, short, and wonderfully ironic.

Thanks for the read,

Audrey
"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar
I've never made a bet, but we gamble in desire
I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire,
But recently the flames are getting out of control"




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Hi, i like your story. The description of the ghost/monster is excellent, just enough description to get a horrible image in my mind :). The only thing was it was quite short and the encounter with the ghost came on a bit too suddenly. It just kind of happened with little build up to it.
Also i think the kid doing it because he wanted to hang out with the coolest kids in school is a bit unimaginative. I think it could work better if you work on what the new kid is feeling a bit more, and work on the events leading up to the ghost bit.
Also, the phrase 'bone chilling scream' is a bit cliche. But, yeah, it was really good. :D


BondGirl007 wrote:“Do I really have to do this?”

“You do if you want to hang out with us.”

A small group of teenagers stood at the edge of the woods, a cloud slowly passed over the moon, three quarters of the way full, blocking out it(s) light for a moment. Matt hugged his sweatshirt tighter to his body, suppressing a shiver.

“Why am I even doing this? I mean what’s the point?” He asked.

“Look, all you have to do is go up to the cabin and peel off like some paint from the front door or something to prove you actually did it. If you really want to be out (our)friend you’ll do it. We can’t be seen with a wuss.”

Matt took a deep breath, and took a step into the trees. He tried not to think about the story the other kids and told him, about a couple who used to live out in this cabin, the husband was a violent drunk, and used to beat his wife. Until one day she had had enough, she killed him, and cut his body in half burying the two pieces in different places. It was said now that the cabin was haunted and no one went near it.

“Except me”

It was rough being the new kid in town; all he wanted to do was fit in. (T)these were the coolest kids in school, you had to be tested to make sure you were worthy enough t(o) be seen with them.

“Halloween…they couldn’t have picked a better day. He thought sarcastically. (It's not really necessary to put 'sarcastically' here. It's obvious it's sarcastic.

Slowly the rundown cabin came into view; it had obviously been abandoned for years. There were large holes in the roof, the windows were either boarded up, or busted out, but a vivid red painted door stood out even from the shadows of the rotted porch. His heart began to pound as he made his way to the bottom of the stairs, cautiously placing his foot on the first step he began to climb.

He could feel his pulse racing as he reached the top, the door within arms length. The bare trees rattled as a cold breeze blew though them.

“Alright, let’s just do this quickly and get out of here.” He told himself, stretching his hand to the chipping door. The second his fingertips touched the wood a bone chilling scream jolted his inter (entire)body. He jumped back, taking off running as fast as his legs would carry him. He could hear something following him, the sound of crunching leaves not far behind. Taking a quick look over his shoulder, he immediately wished he hadn’t.

It had once been a man, but now it (had)no eyes, only sunken pits where its eyes should have been. It ran after him, not with legs, but on its hands its whole lower half missing.
Adding a burst of speed the boy didn’t think he had in him, he also heard it speed up behind him. It was a horrific sight, but he couldn’t help himself, taking a peek over his shoulder. It ran at an ungodly speed, its sockets seemed to bore straight into him, sending a chill down his spine. Trees blurred as he ran, his lungs felt like they were on fire, and his whole body was covered in a cold sweat. It was closer then before, and gaining, but suddenly a ray of hope…the edge of the woods was in sight.
He wasn’t even fifty feet away when he felt a boney claw grab his ankle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The chief pulled up the yellow tape, ducking underneath it, walking over to the officer photographing the sectioned off area.

“I can’t understand it sir,” The man with the camera said rising from his place over the body. “His legs are gone, it looks as if his inter lower body was ripped clean off…”




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Hey there, I loved this story (couse it is a horror stroy so like Audrey I love it). You do have a few errors that you can work on in this story, but it looks like those errors have already been presnted to you. If I were you though I would perhaps add mabey just a little more detail in the story. Other than that I think this is a wonderful story, keep writing.




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Hello, Bondgirl! Jashy here as requested. =))
I've got some nitpicks for you:

Aqua blue means pay attention.
Pink means nitpick.
Blue means, "Hey, it's better this way."

A small group of teenagers stood at the edge of the woods, a cloud slowly passed over the moon, three quarters of the way full, blocking out its light for a moment.


Here you've put two sentences together. The second one having two dependent clauses, making it confusing for the reader. The comma, you can replace with a semicolon if you don't wanna divide it into two separate sentences, but either or will do.

Then the antecedent of the pronoun its wasn't pointed out clearly. Of course, the cloud wouldn't have light and it couldn't block out its own light if it did have a light, but always play safe with pronouns.

If I may suggest a restate, that could be:

A small group of teenagers stood at the edge of the woods. A cloud slowly passed over the moon, three quarters of the way full, blocking out moonlight for a moment.


“Why am I even doing this? I mean what’s the point?” he asked.


“Look, all you have to do is go up to the cabin and peel off like some paint from the front door or something to prove you actually did it. If you really want to be ou[color=#FF0080]r[/color] friend you’ll do it. We can’t be seen with a wuss.”


Matt took a deep breath, taking a step into the trees.


Except me.


These were the coolest kids in school. You had to be tested to make sure you were worthy enough to be seen with them.


Halloween…they couldn’t have picked a better day.


or

“Halloween…they couldn’t have picked a better day," he thought sarcastically.


His heart began to pound as he made his way to the bottom of the stairs. Cautiously placing his foot on the first step, he began to climb.


I'm sorry but it seemed like you didn't proofread this. =| Too many errors. I don't wanna read any further. I'm not fond of horror stuff. (That's why it's not in my review list.) Go and think I'm a chicken, but I have a very offensive reason why, so I'll just keep my mouth shut. XD

I skipped to the ending anyway. Plotwise--scarry! So good job with your horror stuff. All you need is proofread. Don't rush things to post it on this site. Were you trying to enter the contest? Well, proofreading really is worth doing.

Sorry for an incomplete review. I should put that I don't review horror. Hmm...but I swear it's not in my review list.


~~ Jash ♥
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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