Daytura in Wonderland

Hey everyone... this is my first story on YWS! Please tell me what you think so I can make correction and know if it is good or not. Thanks a lot.
Hope you enjoy! >>>>>
____________________________________________________________________________________

As the serene scarlet sunset fell behind the band of clouds, darkness slowly crept into my bedroom. I looked at the small bottle of pills next to me and felt an icy shiver run up my spine as I contemplated. I removed the lid of the bottle and took a few of the pills without water. Although, what I just took would be more accurately considered an ‘illegal drug’.

I laid back on my bed and let its smooth sheets wrap its arms around me. It felt relaxing and almost entrancing to let my bed sheets wrap me in a soft smooth cocoon. It was like all of my problems were floating away, it was like this cocoon protected me from the sour bitterness of life. Colours started to swirl around me like a flock of birds flying to a better place. I suddenly realized that these were not birds but butterflies. They flew like a shimmering light and I was flying with them. By this time I was only vaguely aware of reality and had entered into a place with no problems and no identity. I was lost here but I didn’t care.

I smelt smoke, a burning dense smell. I could taste the ash in my mouth, and then I saw it, fire. A fire burning in my new, peaceful land. It was very beautiful, in fact it almost seemed to dance and leap towards purple trees and a never ending stream of butterflies. Or were they stars? I could not be sure with all this smoke in the way. The smoke was now long streams of black snakes that wrapped them selves around my relaxing, hypnotizing land. The teacup of sanity I had left tried to pull me back but where could it pull me?

I was lost, in so many ways, lost. The brilliant heat of the fire was making me sweat and the smoke covered me in a layer of ash. The ash burned and throbbed against my skin making we want to rip it off but I didn’t care, I had to get out of here. I tried to run but I kept smacking into solid trees with smiles without faces. Was I Alice in Wonderland? I did manage to push through a tree that was made of glass to get away from the heat. The glass tree shattered slicing glass into my hands and arms. It hurt greatly but I was as aware of my arms as I was reality. Suddenly a cool breeze hit me slightly easing the burning nightmare.

I kept moving forward when I fell. In the moment reality shot back to me briefly allowing me to my apartment balcony with flame and smoke pouring out of it. I didn’t scream, I didn’t cry. I closed my eyes, saw my wonderland one last time, and never opened them again.

Hi Watchmeburn,
Its a good try for your first story. But there were some issues with it. Number one: the person takes some pills out of a bottle and then you reveal they're "illegal drugs". You make it seem like they're prescription medicine, not illegal drugs. Why does this person have illegal drugs anyway? You haven't explained that. Number two: "its smooth sheets wrap its arms around me". Sheets don't have arms. You're making it sound like the sheet is alive. I don't quite understand. If this is a metaphor, try to think of another. Comparing it to a cocoon was pretty good I have to say. But then you go on to say it "protected me from the sour bitterness of life". A total contradiction. How does it protect you from the sour bitterness of life right after you've taken illegal drugs??

Now is where it got out of place. Where you begin to describe colours swirling around you and then you end up in Wonderland. It was totally off I felt. It seemed like the person was seeing all that because they were drugged, and if it were for that reason, I feel it may be a weird and maybe unappropriate storyline. That somehow if you take drugs, you'll end up in a place with bright colours and birds flying around. Seems a bit too nice... I feel really sorry how this person is exposed in this story. I think you've made them seem like such an idiot. They're in this imaginary land because they've taken drugs. Its not a fantasy story, its a story about some weirdo who believes they're in another land because of the substances they've taken - not good at all! Feel really sorry for this person...

In Wonderland, you talk about trees "with smiles without faces", makes no sense. How can they smile if they don't have a face? Then in the end, I'm assuming the person dies, not because of the fire, but because of the drugs. Its a really sad storyline. Its not playful or fun at all. In the original Alice in Wonderland, she falls down a rabbit-hole, in this, you seem to embarass this person who's done the wrong thing by taking drugs then ends up dying in the ending because he did.

Maybe it could be a bit lighter, not about someone on drugs. Its also very short for the topic. A story like this is better if it were extended, but I'm worried that if you extend it, it will, become too much like the original version of Alice in Wonderland. You're able to take a fairytale and mix it up, like Tim Burton did with it, you need to be more creative with this other than someone on drugs...

Good luck!

Hey watch! You wanted me to look at this, so here I am!

I looked at the small bottle of pills next to me and felt an icy shiver run up my spine as I contemplated.

One thing I would love to see s what exactly he contemplates! I think it would be really cool to see his thought process before he is drugged up!

Also... one of the things I was really confused about was the description. From the hallucinations and everything, I figured he was tripping out on LSD. So, when you were talking about the fire, I thought that this fire might be imaginary, since people on LSD have seen fires and such before. It's a bit freaky! So, one thing I might do is to make this story a bit more ambiguous. Does he fall from a real fire or an imaginary one? He can still fall out of the apartment, mind you. But a little ambiguity here might make it deliciously more creepy.

Nice first story (for YWS)!

Hey! Here as promised to review
First I have to say I really loved the land of dreams you made up when he's drugged! The descriptions are beautiful, the emotions are there, I can see myself lost in this weird forest. The trip is definitely there. Now, maybe it's not some pills he is taking... I'm an not a drug expert but it sounds like he's taken shrooms? Because he is definitely hallucinating.

The grammar itself was great, pretty much some typos

It was very beautiful, in fact it almost seemed to dance and leap towards purple trees and a never ending stream of butterflies.

I think that was meant to be "stream"?

I did manage to push throught a tree that was made of glass to get away from the heat.

I suddenly realized that these were not birds but butterflies.

"Realized" should be written with a "z".

It hurt greatly but I was as aware of my arms as I was of reality

Typos, typos...

Some other things I noticed:

The ash burned and throbbed against my skin making we want to rip it off but I didn’t care, I had to get out of here.

Here you say the ashes are making you want to rub them off but then you say you don't care? I would suggest you take off the green part to make it less confusing.

The glass tree shattered slicing glass into my hands and arms.

You can get rid of the second "glass" to make it less repetitive.

That's it! Overall, I enjoyed the story very much. It's written beautifully with lots and lots of beautiful images for the reader to imagine. It's different and I loved it! Please keep writing!

-Truth-

Hey watchmeburn!

This wasn't one of the best short stories I have read. I was quite disappointed with it, thinking it was going to be a good read because you have messaged me a number of times to review it. Well here I am and I am going to review it with al honesty.

I really didn't like this. I understand it was in a, what do you call it, that's right, a wonderland full of the most imaginative things that a person can create and over-flowing with beauty. But this was over-shadowed by the many problems I encountered whilst reading it. Here is everything I thought were problems:
1. LENGTH
I think that it is too short of a story. It must be lengthened somehow.

2. PLOT
I really didn't enjoy the plot. It was too perplexed and had too many unanswered questions such as 'How did the apartment catch fire?' I really want to know how but you leave that out.

I looked at the small bottle of pills next to me and felt an icy shiver run up my spine as I contemplated

What was he contemplating? Another unanswered question.

Although, what I just took would be more accurately considered an ‘illegal drug’.

This line needs to go. It doesn't fit the story and it adds unnecessary information to the plot. What do people think of when you mention "pills"? The automatically think that they are a drug addict or are taking some form of medication in large quantities.

I laid back on my bed and let its smooth sheets wrap its arms around me. It felt relaxing and almost entrancing to let my bed sheets wrap me in a soft smooth cocoon.

Wrap its arms around me? I know you are using personification on bed sheets but it doesn't work here. The next line the contradicts what you are saying the bed sheets feel like; at one point, they are arms of a person and then they are a cocoon. Which one is it? A person or a cocoon? I personally think cocoon is better.

Colours started to swirl around me like a flock of birds flying to a better place.

Get rid of flying to a better place because you fly birds straight when they are finding a better place. Because you are saying that the colours are swirling, just say that they are swirling like a flock of birds or better yet a swarm of bees. Birds are to gracious, bees are very harsh and fly unorganized which seems to fit what you are saying here.

The teacup of sanity I had left tried to pull me back but where could it pull me?

How could a teacup possibly pull someone? Again, unnecessary.

I was lost, in so many ways, lost.

This sentence makes no sense. What you are trying to say here is I was lost in so many ways.

I had to get out of here. I tried to run but I kept smacking into solid trees with smiles without faces

I thought this was the worst line in the story. Don;t say solid trees. How many trees do you know out of the thousands of species of trees are hollow? Just say trees. Secondly, to simplify this, just say trees with faceless smiles. Even with these changes, I still don't like this line.

Was I Alice in Wonderland?

No, he isn't Alice in Wonderland, they are Daytura in Wonderland. Get rid of this line. I, uh, ah, bah, no, just get rid of it.

That's it. I have nothing else to say. So I leave you with 'Good day and farewell.'

MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C. join now!

Thanx all. First Story don't be too mean. I'm sure I will get better

Thank-you for reviewing my story....

Watchmeburn,

I agree with you, I don't think anyone got it too. But, this is because you have not explained this story properly and in full detail. There is absolutely NO indication that the events are simply just a metaphor. How are we, the readers, supposed to know there is a fire in the person's apartment, he could be anywhere where there is a bed. Do not say, we, who have reviewed your story have not thought much about it, when you have just left us confused and wondering the true meaning of this story.

Then, you go on to say, to enjoy your story we need to know Alice in Wonderland. I read Alice in Wonderland and the sequel, Through the Looking-Glass (which I adored) and I didn't really enjoy your story much. Alice in Wonderland is fantasy, but clear, this wasn't. Just because some of us may not like your story just yet, does not mean we do not understand it. And we shouldn't have to read another story just to understand yours. That's the point of writing a story, not making something we've already got, making something different. I am a bit offended as one of your reviewers that you have said what you have said. Just take the criticism and compliments as they come, and don't complain about them.

That's it. RedLeaf

watchmeburn, I am totally agreeing with RedLeaf's comments full stop.

MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.

Hi! I'm a new writer here that wrote a fresh take on an old tale too. My peice was also highly metaphorical (If that's a phrase) and I started to write it when I was around your age. So we are pretty similiar. I put my story up and found that a lot of people didnt' "get it" as well. At first I was really angry at everyone but then I realized some things that were staring me in the face, but I somehow missed:
1.) metaphors will always be more obvious to the person that wrote them. Why? Each person will think of something different when they visualize a word. They will connect the word to different feelings and different situations. So, you can't count on everyone immediately "getting" what you happened to think of. This leads me to...
2.) In order for readers to pick up on metaphors the triggering ideas will have to be mentioned several times. Granted this is not always the case and I know that "Alice in Wonderland" managed not to operate that way. But I think that readers need to read something several times in order to realize that it has greater significance than the litteral and then to figure out what that significance is. Have you read "Invisible Man"? I suggest that you do. It is a great example of using this technique. Basically it runs on several motifs and just brings them up again and again and again. The reader is then, eventually, able to pick up on the meanings and really appreciate the book.
3.) Know that creating multiple clues is probably the hardest part of mastering metaphors. It makes it so that you can't just decide that someting could represent such and such idea as you are writing it. You really have to plan ahead and keep track of them to make sure that they run throughout, A LOT.
Hopefully this helped you, or atleast made sense. PM me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to. Hope you like it here at YWS!

Did your MC die?
I hope not, because I'm reading a lot of pieces where the MC dies lately.
There are some unanswered questions I've read, but since you have so many reviews here, you probably have been asked and answered them all. THis is the case in which I have nothing else to say.
So, keep writing, you did a wonderful job.
~WickedWonder

Well done watchmeburn,

I like the descriptive style of writing that was used.
I also like your detailed emotional feelings in the story.

However, the part where you say "Illegal Drugs",
i couldn't picture prescribed medication as being illegal.

You can't see panadol on the black market now can you??? (Lol Jokes)

Anyway, a well written story that would have taken quite a bit of effort to write up.

Well Done

From TheBigCheese

Hey watchmeburn!

I'm here to review this like you asked! I'm not sure if I can get to your poem because I have quite a few review requests, plus your poem appears to have plenty of reviews already. Also, my poetry reviews suck. Therefore, I'll hopefully be able to give you a decent review here.

Looking back at the comments, it looks like you've had a little bit of trouble with responding to reviewers. I know that critisism can sometimes be hard, but no matter how harsh it is, it's always best just to bite our tongue and say thanks for the help. If you think that someone has responded especially unfairly, you should let a mod know. Honestly though, don't take harsh critiques to heart!

Okay, I have to say that this is pretty good, WMB. You have some really lovely imagery in here, so well done for that. I also like the idea of this, due to my like of depressing stories... I am slightly unsure of what happens at the end though. Does your MC die or not? I think he did because you mentioned him closing his eyes for the last time, but I'm not sure. If he did die, then I'd actually suggest putting this in present tense because not many people can tell stories when they're dead. x3

What I'd suggest for you here that hasn't already been mentioned is that I'd like to see you putting some more details inot this. For example, if your MC does die, why does he take the pills? Did something horrible happen to him that day? If so, show us what. Maybe you could show us his entire day, not just this part where he takes the pills. By doing that, we can understand this whole piece a bit better, and also feel more emotional towards it.

If he doesn't die at the end, I'd love for you to show us how he got the illegal drugs, and what the illegal drugs are exactly. Has he been getting and taking them for a while? If so, why? Does he have a hard home life, or maybe he just has some other kind of problems. Do you see what I'm getting at though? I'd love to see you includig some more details overall into this. That way, we can understand what's going on better. Right now, we don't know much about your MC and I'd like to know more.

I'm sorry I haven't been an awful amount of help. You've already gotten a lot of reviews, all of which have pointed out any problems you have in this. Don't get dishearted though, mate! Critiques are meant to help you, so please take them with a grain of salt. You have some lovely imagery in here, so if you just touch up on some of the things that have been sugested for you to touch up on, this could be a really great piece of writing.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins