A Glimpse of Death (ten times new and improved :D)

I've made quite a few changes since I originally wrote this including the name of the short story. I originally wrote this the a while ago now for a school thing. However I rather enjoyed it and so I wish to continue in making it better. The problem is I'm new to this whole thing and I have a lot to learn (: Including grammar and spelling.

I was curious as to what you guys think of the changes and what furthur advice you may have for me. Where do you think I could dive deeper into the storyline etc, how I can improve my grammer?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Jessica.




That’s it, I’m dead.

Gone forever.

Lost.

Lifeless.

I’d have to be, there’s no other explanation. I can’t hear anything, feel anything; it’s as if I’m not even here, like I don’t exist. The last thing I can remember is my board snapping, plunging me head first into the rocks. The sound of Aaron screaming my name, ringing in my ears.

…

Growing up in Bondi meant it was always hot and there was plenty of beach. As kids we spent most of our time in the water and naturally it only made sense that my life revolved around the ocean. Bondi’s champion surfer, a.k.a my dad, first started teaching me how to surf on my sixth birthday, the year I got my very own surfboard. I’d been begging my parents since I first learnt to talk.

I’d say I love surfing, but that'd be an understatement; it’s more or less my life. It's something I need to do. Without it I don’t really know where I’d be, you could say I’d be lost. I guess I’ve lost it now anyway so it shouldn’t even matter. It only makes sense that when I lose my life I lose surfing too, seeing as it is my life. Do they have surfing in heaven? What if I don’t go to heaven? Do they have surfing in hell? I doubt it. I’ve really lost it. No more sand between my toes, salty fresh air or the sound of waves hitting the shore. I'll never get to experience the thrill or success that fills, or filled, me when I catch a big wave again. It’s all gone, lost forever, never to be felt, seen or heard again.

This being dead thing sucks.

Well hell, I guess I really am dead. This is incredible, I mean as incredible as having my life and dreams shattered can get. I thought people said there was more after life on earth. This doesn’t feel like more, and it’s definitely not better than being alive. This is dark and boring but mostly, nothing. That really is the best way I can describe it, nothing.

I wonder how much time has passed. I wonder if they’ve buried me yet. Probably - mum’s a bit like that. I can remember when dad died. Dad loved to surf. He was a champion. He was also my hero. Ever since I can remember I wanted to grow up to be like him. In third grade, if I recall correctly, we were doing some work on what we wanted to ‘be when we grew up’. I remember being asked what I wanted to be and I answered with one word, Dad. Of course, after that incident I was made fun of for a fair while because of the whole dad being male, me being female thing. I guess I didn’t word that one quite right, typical me. He died in a car accident a few short years later while his best friend survived. Mum never let us in a car with another driver after that. She trusts no one now, not even her own kids. I think she blames John for the accident and she never really forgave him. Mum made sure he got buried straight away so that we could put it behind us as quickly as possible. Although I’d never tell her, because it would most likely make matters worse, it wasn’t the best thing for me, Aaron or her. It was as if he didn’t exist after that, all photos and, in turn, memories removed. I think that that period of our lives is the reason I’m one of the only 16 year old girls who isn’t close with her mum. The last six years of my life have been lies and distant memories. My heart has never really been complete, a giant torn hole in place where dad should have been.

I’ll really miss my mum, as distant as our relationship was, she’s still my mum. I’ll miss Aaron most, though. He isn’t, wasn’t, just my big brother. He was my best friend, my mentor. He was practically my father after dad passed. Next to dad he was my hero. He used to drive me to the beach every afternoon after school finished so that I could surf. I remember he'd sit on the sand and yell out encouragements to show support. He'd been driving me to the beach for the last month early every morning so that I could practice for the champs. He's always saying how I'm going to be the best one day and how certain of it he is. Sometimes he makes me feel as though all my dreams really could come true. This totally contradicts what my mum’s always making me feel, sometimes when I talk to her about surfing she makes me believe that maybe everything is just a pipe dream. To be honest, If it hadn’t been for Aaron I would have probably given up on my dreams of surfing a long time ago.

That's what we were doing before the accident, I was going to show him some new moves I'd recently learnt and get his opinion on whether or not I should use them in the comp. That's what we always do, I come up with a new move or learn a new trick and then he tells me whether it’s worth using in my competitions. He would have seen it, the accident, I mean. He would have seen me die. I know he would have, I heard his screams. I really hope he’s ok, I hope me dyeing doesn’t make him and mum’s relationship become more and more distant. They need each other now more than they ever have before, without each other they’ll be alone. As ironic as this sounds, I don’t think I’d be able to live, more like unlive, knowing that either of them are alone. Especially Aaron, not after all he’s done for me. I hope there’s someone who’s able to help his heart heal like he helped mine to.

Aaron was the only one who called me Lillz after dad passed. He knows how much I hate my real name, Lilly Hogstaugh. It’s ridiculous really, makes me sick. Who has ever heard of a surfer called Lilly, especially a champion with a last name as stupid as Hogstaugh? Could you even imagine? Lilly Hogstaugh, World Champion Surfer! Pathetic.

I guess it doesn’t matter now, anyway - it’s just another stupid dream lost along with life. Did I mention this being dead thing sucks? Well, it does, big time.

I wonder if it’s going to be like this forever now. A forever of nothingness? Sounds shit. I want to feel the cool of salty water on my skin again, the rush from surfing, the feeling of being on top of the world. It’s as if I’m flying when I’m on that board. It’s like a craving really. I crave the surf. I crave it all but mostly I crave becoming a star, to follow in my father’s footsteps.

I really need to stop dwelling on surfing. I need to rid myself of surfing. To accept the fact that I'll never experience it again, none of it. Nothing but this horrible, slightly scary, never ending darkness.

I suppose the best way to begin with ‘cleansing’ myself from surfing, and this nightmare I’ve now found myself in, would be to go through the accident. It was a Saturday and it pretty much started out the same as every other Saturday since Dad passed. As usual I was the first awake and by the time Aaron and Mum were up I’d had my deliciously nutritious ‘Australian Surfers Breakfast’ as Dad used to call it, which consisted of a fruit smoothy, a Bowl of Wheat-Bix and a piece of fruit, gone for my morning run and washed my beautiful golden retriever, Nala. I waited for Aaron to get ready and we made our Daily trip to the famous Bondi Beach. Of course it couldn’t be the usual Saturday without my morning fight with mum how it was, ‘bad for my health to be chasing my dreams of following my Dad’s footsteps as I was setting myself up for failure and therefore a lot of pain’. I get that she has my best interests at heart and everything but this just goes towards further evidence of wanting to put Dad’s accident and everything about him behind us.

When we arrived to the beach I grabbed my surfboard and without a second thought was sprinting down to the water before Aaron was even able to put one foot out of the car, the whole time a smile plastered to his face. After a few warm-up rounds on the board and some basic tricks to get into the right rhythmic surfing movements (this never took too long) I signalled to Aaron with my wave that I was ready to show him my new moves. The plan was that I’d give him the signal, do the moves and then go back to shore to discuss with him what he thought.

After showing him the two easiest of the three new moves I had up my sleeve, I had all the confidence I needed in order to pull off the third trick. At least I thought I did. This is when everything started going downhill. Firstly I took the wave too late but, being the overly-confident girl I’d grown to be on the board, I thought I’d still be able to pull it off. Obviously now, with me being here, I realise I was wrong. What happened next all happened in a blur. One minute I was feeling great and the next I was being taken out, still standing on the board, towards the rocks. Before I even had a second to gather my thoughts I was plunged off my board as it snapped and onto the rocks hitting my head, the sounds of Aaron’s screams ringing in my ear. After that I can remember nothing and I woke in this darkness.

I don’t really think that helped much, it kind of made me feel worse and the longer I was up here the weaker I was beginning to feel. Wait. What? Ten minutes ago I swear I was feeling nothing and now I’m feeling weak, confused, distant and really really hungry? And Ugh! My head is throbbing so badly I wish it would stop. I want to scream but I can’t, I’m trapped. I’ve never felt pain like this before. My whole body hurts like I’ve ran a marathon thirty times over. I know I’m crying because I can feel the tears streaking down my face.

“Lilly? Wake up darl, its ok now. Stop screaming, I’m here now. Lillz, please.”

I slowly open my eyes and as my vision begins to come back I realise that my eyelids feel like sandpaper and my whole bodies shaking. I can tell I’m in a hospital just by the painful smell triggered from remembering it when dad was here after his accident. I look up to see the tear stained face of my brother.

“Easy now, Lillz,” I only just manage to hear Aaron say.





That’s it, I’m dead.
Gone forever.
Lost.
Lifeless.

I’d have to be, there’s no other explanation. I can’t hear anything, feel anything; it’s as if I’m not even here. Like I don’t exist. The last thing I can remember is my board snapping, plunging me head first into the rocks. The sound of Aaron screaming my name ringing in my ears.

…

Growing up in Bondi meant it was always hot and there was plenty of beach. As kids we spent most of our time in the water. My dad first started teaching me how to surf on my sixth birthday, the year I got my very own surfboard. I’d been begging dad since I first learnt to talk.

I’d say I love surfing, but that'd be an understatement; it’s more or less an obsession. It's something I NEED to do. Without it I don’t really know where I’d be - I’d be lost. I guess I’ve lost it now anyway. Do they have surfing in heaven? What if I don’t go to heaven? Do they have surfing in hell? I doubt it. I’ve really lost it. No more sand between my toes, salty fresh air or the sound of waves hitting the shore. I'll never get to experience the thrill or success when I catch a big wave again. It’s all gone. Lost. Forever.

This being dead thing sucks.

Wow, I really can’t believe I’m dead. This is incredible. I thought people said there was more after life on earth. This doesn’t feel like more, and it’s definitely not better than life on earth. This is boring. This is crap.

I wonder how much time has passed. I wonder if they’ve buried me yet. Probably - mum’s a bit like that. I can remember when dad died, I was 13 years old. Dad loved to surf. He was a champion. He died in a car accident while his best friend survived. Mum never let us in a car with another driver after that. She trusts no one now. I think she blames John for the accident. I don't think she ever really forgave him. Mum made sure he got buried straight away so that we could put it behind us as quickly as possible. I’ll really miss my mum, as paranoid as she was.

I’ll miss Aaron most, though. He isn’t… wasn’t just my big brother. He was my best friend. my mentor. He was practically my father after dad passed. He used to drive me to the beach every afternoon after school finished so that I could surf. I remember he'd sit on the sand and yell out encouragments to show support. He'd been driving me to the beach for the last month early every morning so that I could practice for the champs. He's always saying how I'm going to be the best one day and how certain of it he is. Sometimes he makes me feel as though all my dreams really could come true. That's what we were doing before the accident. I was going to show him some new moves I'd recently learnt and get his opionon on whether or not I should use them in the comp. That's what we always do. He would have seen it. The accident, I mean - He would have seen me die. I know he would have, I heard his screams. I really hope he’s OK. He always called me lillz, the only person who didn’t call me Lilly. I hate that name. LILLY HOGSTAUGH. It’s ridiculous really. Who ever heard of a famous surfer called Lilly, let alone Lilly Hogstaugh? LILLY HOGSTAUGH, WORLD CHAMPION SURFER - it sounds silly.

I guess it doesn’t matter now, anyway - it’s just another stupid dream lost along with life. Did I mention this being dead thing sucks? Well, it does, big time.

I wonder if it’s going to be like this forever now. A forever of nothingness – sounds shit. I want to feel the cool of salty water on my skin again, the rush from surfing, the feeling of being on top of the world. It’s as if I’m flying when im on that board. It’s like a craving really. I crave the surf. I crave it all but mostly I crave becoming a star, to follow in my father’s footsteps.

I really need to stop dwelling on surfing. I need to rid myself of surfing. To accept the fact that I'll never experience it again, none of it. Nothing but this horrible, slightly scary, never ending darkness.

Wait.
What’s that?
It’s a feeling. It really, truly is a feeling.
It’s a horrible feeling. My heads throbbing so bad.
MAKE IT STOP!
I’ve never felt this way before. I’d rather the darkness then this pain. I feel like I’ve ran a marathon 30 times over. It’s still dark and I can’t see or feel anything else, only this pain and the tears that I know are streaking my face.

"Lilly? Wake up darl. It's ok. Stop screaming. I'm here now. Please. WAKE UP LILLZ!"

As my vision starts to come back the head pain slowly fades away. I look up to see the blurred outline of my brother's face staring down at me on the rocks.
"Easy now, Lillz,” I only just manage to hear Aaron say.

Hi there. Just thought I would stop by and give this a quick review.

So, you've got a nice base here. I like it quite a bit. But I really feel like you need to expand on it. This feels just too small, too self-contained, to really get the point of what you're trying to say across. It's like you're only letting us glimpse the story behind it. Explore the relationship between Lilly and Aaron a bit more in the middle section. Flesh out their characters a bit more. Then you will unlock quite a bit of this story's potential.

So, like I said, a good start, but you have some work to do. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

I liked this - I'm interested in the relationship between Aaron and Lilly and I want to know more. Something I would say is be careful in your use of commas - a lot of the time you use them when you ought to be starting a new sentence or using a semicolon. I'm also not convinced by the formatting of the speech at the end. Either add text in between the "Lilly"s or put them all on one line - it's all one person speaking.

Other than that, though, I think it's great, and I don't have any problems at all with the story itself. You need to watch out for you grammar on the whole: remember question marks at the end of questions ("Did I mention this being dead thing sucks?", use commas between clauses (“Easy now, Lillz,”) and think about where you need to start new sentences ("I’ll miss Aaron most, though. He isn’t…" - the two clauses make sense on their own, so you can't separate them with a comma). Good luck with the rest of your story!

I'm afraid I can't remember exactly how the previous version was punctuated, but I can see you've made a lot of improvements on the grammar - I salute you. Since grammar is the only real problem here, I'm just going to go over a few things you've missed:

I can’t hear anything, feel anything; it’s as if I’m not even here.

I think I'm right in assuming you've changed this bit? You're right, you do need a semicolon in this sentence, but you need it to join up the two separate parts - notice that the clauses on either side of it make sense in their own right. Similarly, in the first part of the sentence the two clauses don't make sense on their own, so you join them with a comma.

I’d say I love surfing, but that'd be an understatement; it’s more or less an obsession.

The same here.

Without it I don’t really know where I’d be - I’d be lost.

I'm feeling that you have two many short sentences here, so I'd put a dash in here, just to break it up.

Wow, I really can’t believe I’m dead. This is incredible.

This doesn’t feel like more, and it’s definitely not better than life on earth.

You need a comma here. Careful with spelling!

Probably - mum’s a bit like that.

I'm suggesting a dash here because a semicolon seems a bit formal. The 'probably' part of the sentence is a fragment, which means technically it's not correct because it doesn't contain a verb, but most writers use them for effect.

The next two paragraphs are all grammatically correct, but again you've got a lot of short sentences there which you might need to break up with some longer ones.

The accident, I mean - he would have seen me die.

This needs a comma, and is a good example of where you could put two sentences together to make a longer one - they're talking about the same thing, and they feel like they go together.

I know he would have; I heard his screams.

I really hope he’s OK.

LILLY HOGSTAUGH, WORLD CHAMPION SURFER - it sounds silly.

I guess it doesn’t matter now, anyway - it’s just another stupid dream lost along with life.

I don't think you need the 'any more' and the 'now' - they're saying the same thing - and remember that 'any more' is one word.

Well, it does, big time.

the feeling of being on top of the world.

It really, truly is a feeling.

My head's throbbing so badly.

my brother's face

I think it's really great that you've taken what I've said on board, and I definitely would not expect this to be the work of a new writer. Grammar and spelling are things that it takes time to learn - you can't just learn the rules off by heart, you have to get a feel for it by reading - but they're not what makes a writer, they're just a way of making your message easier to understand. You've got the components of a brilliant story here and I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you (: fhwdf. It means a lot that you would take time of your own to help me improve my story. Again I have taken on board what you've said and improved the story as much as I knew I could. Thanks a million to both of you (:

Jessica.

Hi there Jess! I hope you're enjoying YWS so far , I'm very glad you asked me to review this, sorry it took so long!

I wonder how much time has passed. I wonder if they’ve buried me yet. Probably - mum’s a bit like that. I can remember when dad died, I was 13 years old. Dad loved to surf. He was a champion. He died in a car accident while his best friend survived. Mum never let us in a car with another driver after that. She trusts no one now. I think she blames John for the accident. I don't think she ever really forgave him. Mum made sure he got buried straight away so that we could put it behind us as quickly as possible. I’ll really miss my mum, as paranoid as she was.

This is a little too much information all at once, it makes it seem way less personal. This is a big event in shaping the character, her father's death is kind of a big deal, no? Having infodumps like this makes it seem very monotone, if you get what I mean. Like "This happened, and this, and that...blah blah blah." Takes away from the emotion, so try to avoid them .

Also I think you could have ended it a little differently, I didn't really like how it built up her talking about how she was dead, and it was made to seem like she had been dead a while, so I was a little disappointed. You might want to build up her life a little more, have her tell us about the day of the accident, and give us a glimpse of what goes on in her life.

I really liked this though, I thought the way she narrated was very believable and I love that. Her kind of sarcastic tone I relate with.

So PM me when you put the next part out, I'll be more then happy to review it for you!

Good luck, and keep writing!

~Hope

thank you so so so so much for your help I really appreciate it. I actually completely forgot about this story however I have now made some massive changes to it as you will be able to tell. Please tell me what you think

Enjoy,
-Jessica

Hi Jesi, here to review!

I don't have many nitpicks that I want to go over so you're saved there. Actually, I didn't notice anything that needed to be quoted. I found only one or two little mistakes but I didn't point them out because it's not much.

First of all, I want to talk about this introduction that you have. I think you did a good job with the first paragraph, it was interesting and the first few sentences were a hooker. However, I thought you made it too wordy. I'm glad that you put in her thoughts there but I had a difficult time trying to stay focused with the sequence of thoughts because it seemed that there were random thoughts here and there. I'm not sure if it's just me or anyone else but I thought you overdid some of the 'wow, I'm dead."

In fact, the thought of death sort of bothered me in this character. She has a sarcastic voice, in my opinion and I don't think it really helped the story. I mean, if you think you're dead wouldn't you feel extremely sad? For the most part, I think people would feel quite a bit of sorrow thinking about their death and how much they affected the people around them. In your story you fail to really tell us this information. We're all connected so how does one person's death affect the rest of her family and friends? You told us little things about her parents and her brother but the thoughts weren't enough for me to feel sad about it or anything. So I guess...I'm a cold hearted goblin because I can't seem to feel pity for this character or anything. My advice to you one this part would be to, as Conrad said, flesh out your character and their relationship with others. Tell us what and how things would be different without this person. Think about for a second, if you died, how would your family survive? The pain that they would feel, it's something entirely different and I was hoping that bit would have been given here. If you character feels sour towards her family, tell us why and strengthen that emotion so we feel it too. The hard part is knowing what to say so the readers can feel the emotion too. Writing is easy, the feeling is the one that's tricky.

Another thing I noticed was that you did a bit of unnecessary info-dumping throughout the middle of the story. I'm glad that you're giving us information about her parents and what not but I kind of skipped a few sentences and all there because I just wasn't interested in the mom's car or whatever. Why would I need to know that? Ask yourself before you write it, is it really that necessary? Does it make the character seem more 3-D? Does it explain the plot or any other variable? What makes it so important that it takes up that bit of space there? I'm not saying that you can't have anything unnecessary there. If it accomplishes something then great but if the story can do without it, I would take it out. Basically, don't give us a hunk of information all at once because it'll bore us...

As for the writing style, you were too 'telly'. When I say telly,I mean you told us everything about your characters and all instead of showing it to us. Now, since your character is unconscious it'll be difficult to show us what it's all like. And in case you didn't know, showing means to bring your characters alive through more action-related things. For example, 'he doesn't like milk' could be reworded to 'the scent of freshly poured milk made his nose crinkle with disgust.'
Okay, so it's not the best example but if you're still unsure of what I'm talking about, just PM me about it and I'll try to give you some links that could help out.

I also noticed that you had some pretty short sentences here and there. Those short sentence actually, for me, made the flow a bit choppy and weird. I guess I'm being overly nitpicky with this but I thought I'd point it out nonetheless. I suggest pulling some sentences together to create a more fluid style of reading. Also, I noticed there were a few times in which her feeling or emotions seemed to be repeated. Like, telling us she's dead or that it's over and blah, blah. I felt like the protagonist was a wee bit whiny over it and I thought it was odd. Her feelings also seemed to be distant and unrealistic. Anyway, could've just been me looking into it too much. I bet you want to slap me right about now, hm?

Well, let me tell you some good news. I did enjoy reading this. I think it's a pretty cool idea and I was actually quite happy that she survived in the end. Otherwise this would be called, "Death waters" or something weird like that because she's seriously be dead, right? Anyway, before I reel off topic - you did a pretty good job and I can totally see the improvement you made from the first version and to the next. Good job. *Pats back* Keep up the good work and if you have any questions feel free to PM me about them.

-Pink