The Angelic Devil

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This is meant to be an easy read, so don't get too disappointed. :wink:
Word count: 1,334
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Jeremy slouched against the wall, trying to look casual, though felt slightly awkward and out of place. His eyes slowly scanned the small group before him who were all scrunched into the small living room. He didn't know these people, and though he knew he was wholly welcome, he had a feeling that he just didn't belong. These weren't the kind of people he associated with. The only reason he was here was because his friend, Chris, coaxed him into coming. Jeremy made a mental note to never do as Chris says again. It's not that these people weren't nice, because they sure as heck where, it's because he didn't like what they had to offer. He didn't like being around these "holier-than-thou" types, he learned long ago that it was just better to leave them alone inside their little la la land. No one so far had condemned him to hell or smacked him along side the head with a Bible, but he was all too sure it was coming, it had to be.

Jeremy was now half heartily joking around with two brothers named Colin and Corbin, comparing phones and music like all teens do. He was beginning to feel comfortable and at home when the door opened.

In walked a short, brown haired 20-something, followed by a taller, younger girl. His eyes only landed on her for a moment, but it took a couple more for his heart to start beating regularly again. The palms of his hands started to get sweaty and he nervously wiped them off on his khaki pants before any one noticed their clammy-ness. No, it wasn't love at first sight, he didn't believe in that kind of thing, it was just the shock of it all. Of actually seeing her for the first time without any warning or introduction, but merely by knowing that it was her was enough for his mind to start racing.

So this is Veronica, he thought in smug curiosity. He wondered what his friend saw in her. He wondered what about this girl would cause his friend to skip church and spend the nights drinking, smothering himself in other women to get his mind off of her. Jeremy didn't know anything about this girl except of what he learned from Chris and his troubled friend, Ricky, but he already made the decision not to like her. She was near the opposite corner of the room, getting a Mt. Dew out of the cooler, and talking to a rather young brown haired girl he later learned named Kaitlyn. Jeremy took her distraction as a chance for him to evaluate, more like judge, her for himself. She wasn't the girliest thing in the world, wearing jeans and a gray hoodie, but she definitely wasn't a full blown tom boy because anybody could tell she took time to fix her hair (a nice shade of blonde) and apply a little make up. He couldn't see her eyes from across the room, but he had been told before that they were a clear gray-blue. Her face was slightly too round, forehead too large, and eyebrows too bushy for beauty, but there was a softness to her face, especially when she smiled. Ricky was right when he said she had a smile that could make Chuck Norris melt, because it sure did take Jeremy down a couple of notches, and this Veronica girl smiled often. Jeremy concluded that she wasn't classified hot in his book; if he ever saw her walking down the street he wouldn't stop and stare, but he could see how she had unintentionally made Ricky fall in love with her.

At that thought he hardened himself towards her again, knowing that under her head of long, blonde hair were two pointy poisonous devil horns. Veronica headed his way and he quickly jumped back into the conversation with the guys, which the topic of conversation had changed to Barack Obama's deceased grandmother without him noticing.

"Hey, Jeremy," she said with a slight touch of a Georgia drawl, "I'm Veronica. It's nice to meet you." She held out her hand for him to shake (he hoped she didn't notice that his hand was pouring buckets) and turned up her smile to it's sweetest and most innocent.

How had she known his name? Had Chris or Ricky mentioned him to her or had she asked the brown haired girl she was talking to earlier? He had a feeling it was the first one, and felt more of a warmness instead of a coldness against her since she actually cared to remember his name. She couldn't be that bad. After all, who could be with an accent like that?

Jeremy and her didn't talk for too long. Veronica seemed to be a popular member of this small group, so every five seconds she had someone different tapping on her shoulder to talk to, and she, of course, couldn't turn anyone down.

The young, balding youth minister clapped his hands and lead everyone in to the family room for a devotional. Great, thought Jeremy, I'm going to be told what's wrong with my life and how sinful I am. Again. Jeremy was right about one thing, the devotional was about sin, though this time it was put in a different light he had never seen or heard before. And if he had heard it before, he never bothered to copy it to memory. It was based on a story in Romans, and he found it more interesting than he thought he would. Apparently every one had a great deal of sin, even these "holier-than-thou" Christians he was having a good time with. For the first time that night he felt guilty for mocking them and bad for being to hard on them, they seemed like nice people.

Veronica had sat near him during the devotional, on the floor near his rocker, leaning against the sofa at the feet of Chris. He noticed that Chris had a habit of playing with her hair and wondered if something was going on between them. From the expression on her face, it looked liked she didn't even notice a highly coveted boy was paying her any attention. Innocent, stupid little girl.

Jeremy shook his head. How old is she?, he wondered. By the looks of it probably seventeen, sixteen at the least. Jeremy decided to ask Chris later on. It's funny how neither Chris nor Ricky ever mentioned her age. Odd.

After the devotional was over, all the teenagers headed into the kitchen to dive in to the many (chocolate) desserts on the table. Once Jeremy dropped his plastic fork and Veronica was the one to pick it up for him, throw it away, and hand him a clean one, all with that simple Southern smile on her face.

"So you gonna be at church this Sunday?" Veronica asked when they were seated at the table.

He turned to answer her as she was shoveling brownies in her mouth, and her face flushed red with embarrassment at being caught doing something that wasn't in the Southern Belle Handbook. 'Do they have those things?' Jeremy wondered. 'I'll google it when I get home.' Then he smiled inwardly. 'Or maybe not.'

"I don't know," Jeremy replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Oh, well I hope you do." Right then an older looking brown haired girl, probably Kaitlyn's older sister, whisked Veronica away in conversation. Jeremy was thankfully left off the hook, he had no idea what to say after her last comment. Who knew niceness could be so baffling?

He continued to slyly watch her for the rest of the night, carefully dissecting her every movement and word.

'Does she have any idea what she's done to my friend?', Jeremy pondered for the millionth time.

And from across the table, Veronica was wondering about Jeremy, 'Does he have any idea what his friend's done to me?'
Last edited by tori1234 on Thu May 27, 2010 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hi there! Here to review. :)

Jeremy slouched against the wall, trying to look casual, though felt slightly awkward and out of place. His eyes slowly scanned the small group before him who were all scrunched into the small living room. He didn't know these people, and though he knew he was wholly welcome, he had a feeling that he just didn't belong. These weren't the kind of people he associated with. The only reason he was here was because his friend, Chris, coaxed him into coming.


"though *he* felt slightly"

Also, remember to stay in one tense. You tend to flip-flop around a bit. And the last sentence feels like the author talking. :) I'd delete it.

Jeremy was now half heartily joking around with two brothers named Colin and Corbin, comparing phones and music like all teens do. He was beginning to feel comfortable and at home when the door opened.


Wait... this is only about two sentences after he was saying how UN-comfortable he was! This transition was too abrupt, methinks.

In walked a short, brown haired 20-something, followed by a taller, younger girl. His eyes only landed on her for a moment, but it took a couple more for his heart to start beating regularly again. The palms of his hands started to get sweaty and he nervously wiped them off on his khaki pants before any one noticed their clammy-ness. No, it wasn't love at first sight, he didn't believe in that kind of thing, it was just the shock of it all. Of actually seeing her for the first time without any warning or introduction, but merely by knowing that it was her was enough for his mind to start racing.


A twenty-something what? Second sentence--I like it, but it is a bit confusing. Also, the description seems a bit odd.

"Hey, Jeremy," she said with a slight touch of a Georgia drawl, "I'm Victoria. It's nice to meet you." She held out her hand for him to shake (he hoped she didn't notice that his hand was pouring buckets) and turned up her smile to it's sweetest and most innocent.


I love the first part of this paragraph, but not the parentheses or the abrupt change to her POV. It'd be better if you could stick to one or the other, in my opinion.

Jeremy was thankfully left off the hook, he had no idea what to say after her last comment.


Run-on sentence. I noticed quite a few of these, actually. Try reading them out loud--they should jump out at you.

OVERALL:


"So you gonna be at church this Sunday?" Veronica asked when they were seated at the table.


Ok, I really, really really really really hope this isn't one of those "heathen gets reformed to the path of righteousness" types of stories. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with writing about religion to express your beliefs, etc, but this has just been done so many times before, and rarely well. They irritate the heck out of me, and I'm a Christian! So, I'd really caution you against going down that path.

I did like the characterization, but like I said, I'd prefer it if you stayed in one POV or went into a full omniscient, instead of jumping around randomly like this.

I also liked the cliff-hanger ending. ;) I do want to read more!

Oh, and like I said, watch the tenses. There were a few present tense places that shouldn't have been there. ;)

Perhaps a bit of description would be nice as well? I like the way you have it, but I would have liked an idea of what the room looked like, what the other people looked like, etc. (Actually, maybe after she comes in the room, the descriptions could suddenly stop, to show how she was capturing all his attention? Just an idea.)

Hope this helps a little bit. I really do want to read more!

Let me know if you have any questions or ever read a review.

See you around!

Lupis



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