I Watched Disturbing Cruelty

I find this work very amusing because it was written a long time ago and I had completely forgotten about it. The name goes with the story..it is quite disturbing. Ive always said that my works were like my children, and this one begged for me to post it. Not my best, but their wishes are my commands

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I watched as my hand pushed the roof door open. I watched as a few doves flew on instinct from the noise it made behind me. I watched as she stood there, hands in her beige coats pockets. I watched as she tried to hide the tears from me. I watched it all.
It hasn’t been the same, she said, it’s not your fault.
I didn’t have to be here. She didn’t want me here. But I had to come. I had to see for myself.
Life has gotten to me. It’s won. It’s not your fault, she repeated.
I watched her face as I wondered why she brought me here, on top of this tall building. Was she ending it?
I know you’re probably wondering why I brought you here. And what I’m about to do is hard, but you need to watch, like you watch everything else so analytically, so that you can accept this. I’m not being cruel and you were brilliant, but I needed you here for me. Please remember that it’s not your fault.
I watched as a tear rolled down her cheek. I watched as she smiled a sad smile.
I watched as she stepped backwards and jumped off the side of the building.

Hello!

Okay, so! The idea for this story was nice, but what I'm not fond of is the execution of this piece. Even though it's old, you obviously posted it here for a reason so I'm going to give a full and honest critique.

Well, for starters, the repetition of "I watched" is fine the first time, but it really starts to get tedious. Even in a poem, you probably would be pushing it. When readers
read things, especially stories-we're looking for something fresh and different with each new sentence that will keep us excited instead of having to repeat the same humdrum two words over and over again. Besides-say it once and you'll get the message across.

Also, you didn't really provoke any emotion or sympathy throughout the piece. At no point do I feel sorry for your narrator or the girl who is watching fall to her death. This is for primarily two reasons.

-> I Know Little

There isn't much to your characters right now. You have your narrator, who I know absolutely nothing about. What's the relationship to the girl? Are they dating, close friends, or sisters? How old is the narrator, and what is their name? What's the narrator's gender? I'm thinking male, but I'm not quite sure. In addition to the basic facts, tell us more about the narrator as a person. What are the narrator's friends like? What of home do they live in? Do they have any aspirations or dreams? Right now it just reads like the narrator was given a job to dully narrate the facts in the place of the real character who actually was there.

The girl isn't much better either. Right now she just plays out like a stereotypical victim girl. We don't know any of her motives for trying to commit suicide. If we did, we'd sympathize with the narrator because he'd most likely think it was his fault for whatever reasons despite the fact that the girl is constantly telling him it's not. Suicide is not a light topic, and people don't go out at commit it frivolously. Get into the psyche of this character so we know what drove her to do what she did. The more we know about her, the more we'll know about the narrator.

-> Dull, Flat Prose

You need to go into a lot more detail and make this longer so your ideas can be fully fleshed out. Right now, you do a lot of telling and not showing. I don't know if you've heard to "show and don't tell" before, but it's an important rule for writers to learn. This is because, if you show, the reader gets a better understanding of the characters and the story. Here is a good article you can read for more information.

As this stands, it's only a story in the absolute loosest sense. It actually feels more like a poem since you only touch on the story slightly and give us no insight into your characters. Right now, you have a bone. Expand! Maybe go beyond this one scene and write out other scenes to develop your characters and show what eventually will lead up to the girl taking her one life. Soon, you'll have a full, meaty, story.

Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Hey. I thought this was good, but parts were kind of confusing.

It hasn’t been the same, she said, it’s not your fault.
I didn’t have to be here. She didn’t want me here. But I had to come. I had to see for myself.
Life has gotten to me. It’s won. It’s not your fault, she repeated.

I'm super confused about the italicized bits. Is she speaking to the narrator? I'm all for breaking out of the norm when presenting dialogue, but the way you present the italicized parts it sounds almost like it's in her head, or like shes remembering it from a long time ago or something.

If the girl is speaking to your narrator right now, I'd expect your MC to say something back! Yell at her, get hysterical, run at her and try to stop her, etc.
If she's too shocked/ affected to move or say anything at all, say that. Add in a sentence like
"I felt frozen in place, as if in a dreamworld. I couldn't speak or move or do anything, though a thousand different emotions were running through me."
Eh, that's not too good an example, but just something like that, you get the idea.

Hey Pandora!!

So since I guess this was one of the first things you wrote I'll be honest, really honest.

First of all you mentioned that the story had to do with the title, and i hate to say it, but it had nothing to do with the title. Why? Because there was no such cruelty, nothing disturbing, it might have been disturbing because of the millions and millions of questions that the reader comes up with when they read the piece.

Second. The repetition of I watched makes the story incredibly monotonous, I mean all the sentences began with the same words and that makes the story boring and the reader to lose interest in the story because there is no sense of expectation and excitement.

Third. I'm sorry but I don't get it, at all. I get the idea of the story that if it had been well developed it would have been great, but that's all. It's confusing because what do the italicized parts mean?

Fourth. You really have to tell us more about your characters, much more, because we only see a girl that's about to commit suicide and that's all. The narrator isn't telling us much either. Try showing us more things, their appearance, what was their story, why did she need him there? what had happened between them? And he's watching she 's about to jump off a building so what were his feelings, his thoughts.

Fifth. At first you said she didn't want you there, but after you said she brought you there. That's confusing, try clearing that up.

Sixth. The setting, try explaining that too, and the mood. Try getting us into the story and see everything, from the exterior (the sky, the buildings, the sounds) to the interior (his struggles, his thought, his emotions)

So that's all I can say and I hope I helped. Try expanding this, showing us more about them so we can feel something towards both the characters and the story.

XOXO
Pudin