Jorge's Birthday

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I was on my way to school and ran into Natalia, waiting for me in front of her house. She saw me and smiled. She waved back at her mom that was looking at her from the window and joined me. "Hey Agnes" said Natalia with a huge grin on her face.

"What's up, Natalia?"I asked, lifting an eyebrow, my voice full of curiosity.

"Today is my boyfriend birthday, and I got him the perfect present. I just know he'll love it" she said practically jumping with joy.

"Well, what's it?"

"A Jeep! He has always wanted one."

'A Jeep? That's not exactly cheep. How did you get the money to afford it?"

"Well, you know my dad fixes cars, right? So he bought the car as his latest experiment, fixed it up a little bit and gave it to me, to give to my boyfriend," she said shrugging, like she had no idea. Why I asked such a silly question.

"Cool! He is going to love it!"

"You really think so?"

"Yeah, I do." I said with a reassuring smile.

We made to school and Jorge was waiting for Natalia. She ran toward to him and gave him a hug. He smiled and kissed her on the cheek. I hope J.D. doesn't talk to me today. I'm still pretty mad at him. I went to my class, and to my surprise, he wasn't there. I wonder why he didn't come.
The rest of day went by pretty quickly. Nothing special happened. After school, it started to rain. I walked over to the bus stop and wait for my bus.

"Hey Agnes," said a sooth, calm voice.

I turned around only to find J.D. right

"What are you doing here, under the rain like that?"

"What are you doing here? You are supposed to be absent. Why didn't you come to school?" I asked completely ignoring his question.

"I went to see my grandmother. She is very sick."

"Oh... Is she okay?" Now feeling like a total jerk for giving him the third degree.

"Yes, she's fine"

We were all alone. All the kids had gone inside because of the rain. Little drop of cold water falling on us. I could see him getting closer. Leaning down. His face only inches apart from me. Was he going to kiss me? I could feel him getting closer, and closer, and closer. Then when our lips were about to meet, Cynthia push me, causing him to back away.

"Hi J.D." said Cynthia, with a stupid grin on her face.

"What do you want?" said J.D., slightly annoyed and without even glancing at her.

"I want to go on a date with you. Are you okay with that?"

"Let me think about it?"

"Okay, see you at Saturday."

Cynthia went away happily.

"Are you..."

"No. It's going to be someone else."

And then it started again. He got closer, and closer, and closer, my eyes closed, and then I felt it. His soft lips brushed mine. He pulled away. My eyes were closed, and I feel light headed.

"Bye," said J.D.

I open my eyes but he disappeared. I was surprised. I touch my lips. Why did J.D. kiss me?
Does he have a crush on me?
Does J.D. even care about Cynthia?
Does he care about me, worry about me? These question is driving me crazy!
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!




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Hi Naydy!!! Great chapter!!! You see a little more description helps a story go a long way. I really did like it. Thought I noticed something here:

"Well, you know my dad fixes cars, right? So he bought the car as his latest experiment, fixed it up a little bit and gave it to me, to give to my boyfriend," she said shrugging, like she had no idea. Why I asked such a silly question.


What I put in bold should really be one sentence.


I turned around only to find J.D. right


Well you forgot a there. It's ok mistakes happen!

I open my eyes but he disappeared. I was surprised. I touch my lips. Why did J.D. kiss me?
Does he have a crush on me?
Does J.D. even care about Cynthia?
Does he care about me, worry about me? These question is driving me crazy!


I think this should be one paragraph. Maybe I'm wrong, but just saying.

The important thing here is that I really love your story and hope you write more!! That was pretty weird what J.D did! Well see you soon!!! Happy writing!!! Bye!!

Love,
wookielover17
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”




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Hey there! Just popping in to give you a few quick tips.

So first off contractions. People these days rarely say "I am sorry, I cannot do that today." they say "I'm sorry, I can't do today." While it's okay to skip them sometimes, a story with no contractions whatsoever makes it sound really boring and more like a research paper.

Second is dialogue. Your dialogue in this story is short, very very basic, and not really all that believable.

Third, slow down and explain things. Right now you're just kind of skipping from one thing to another, first it's the car, then this dude JD, then his grandmother, then this other girl? Slow down, add some more detail to your story, describe what the day is like what your characters look like, a normal day for them.

Anyway good luck, and keep writing.

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hi, Myst here, about tell you about this cool story.

The general concept of this is very interesting, but you need to explain it more so the readers can learn more about this awesome story that I know is gonna improve. I guess you need to past-tense some words that are present-tense, which depends if it's a past story or present one.

Overall, it's really great story, you just need to fix small things, that's all. :)

Anyway, you're a really good writer with tons of potential ahead of you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 5
Hi, Myst here, about tell you about this cool story.

The general concept of this is very interesting, but you need to explain it more so the readers can learn more about this awesome story that I know is gonna improve. I guess you need to past-tense some words that are present-tense, which depends if it's a past story or present one.

Overall, it's really great story, you just need to fix small things, that's all. :)

Anyway, you're a really good writer with tons of potential ahead of you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 5
Hi, Myst here, about tell you about this cool story.

The general concept of this is very interesting, but you need to explain it more so the readers can learn more about this awesome story that I know is gonna improve. I guess you need to past-tense some words that are present-tense, which depends if it's a past story or present one.

Overall, it's really great story, you just need to fix small things, that's all. :)

Anyway, you're a really good writer with tons of potential ahead of you.



When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are.
— Mikhail Baryshnikov