Not yet broken

This is just a quickie, and I wanted some of your thoughts on it.

***

My footsteps resounded along the hospital hallway as I walked. The faces of people around me sticking out in sharp contrast to the bland walls.
Some were happy, joyful. Most dismal.
As I neared the ward I was headed towards, the few happy faces became less and less frequent, turning into countless ones of distress and dismay. Once or twice you spotted a hopeful glimmer in someone’s eye, that made your day for that split second. However that hope was always gone after a second, no happiness lasted more than a heartbeat here.
No patient lasted more than a heartbeat here.
I stopped outside my destination, hands sweating as I mulled over what was going to take place. I knew the drill by now. After opening the door, I froze as the scent of the hospital room entered my nostrils; clean, fresh and penetrating.
I stopped from my walk as I saw a sight that had not been there yesterday. There was a new patient in this room for the damned. An old man lay tired in a crisp white hospital bed, the sheets drawn up to his wrinkled chin. He was chatting away happily to a young boy, probably his grandson. The two of them smiling, obviously enjoying each other’s company.
I saw the look in the boy’s eyes. He was happy and hopeful.
This boy had not been broken, not yet. I remembered when I had bore a look that resembled his.

“She doesn’t have much longer, I’m afraid, all we can do is make her comfortable at this point and hope for the best,” the doctor stated in a neutral voice, careful not to show any emotion on his face. It’s not like this doctor thought she was any different to the countless other patients he took charge of. To him, she was just another dying face.
To me, though, she was the world.
I nodded at the news, not really letting it sink in. I was still holding on to that faint glimmer of hope… to that light at the end of the tunnel.

I snapped out of my daze as the boy got up and kissed the old man on the cheek quickly, then walking out of the room.
The boy was not broken, not yet. But he would learn.
“Jake?” I heard a weak voice call from the other end of the room. I momentarily had forgotten about why I was there. That was a first.
Slowly I made my way over to her bed, spying her pale white face and blood shod eyes. She looked tired, so very tired. I took her usual cold hand and pressed it against my warm face, trying to transfer some of my heat to her. I knew though, that it would never be enough.
“Hey mom,” I muttered, kissing her on the cheek.

I am more than happy to share some of my thoughts regarding this entry.

I froze as the scent of the hospital room entered my nostrils; clean, fresh and penetrating.

This was perhaps the most masterful detail I have ever red describing a hospital room. I believe you a knack for detail and should keep it up in future work. The conclusion where the boy meets his mother, blew me out of the metaphorical water. I did not see that coming after the first read. The story itself is dark, gloomy, and somewhat depressing with an atmosphere of people dying along others just trying to make a dollar, yet the title of "Not Yet Broken" resounds hope, light, and perhaps even triumph over death, something which I feel could be integrated into a sequel should you choose to create one as a compliment to this piece.

This is great work indeed, and perhaps the only criticism I have is that it was not long enough, although you prefaced the story saying so.

Regards,
-Elitehusky

Hi!

So, I think it quite like this. In so few words, you manage to create powerful characters and a memorable and simple story, which I think is really nice. I loved the quiet description of this piece-there was just enough so that I could paint an adequate picture in my head without being over-burdened by description. I also like your main character. We know enough about him so that he's relate-able, but you don't give away too much, so he's shrouded in kind of a cool mystery. Besides, the less we know about a character, the better, right?

However, one thing I didn't really like was your beginning. I understand you want to set up your main character's background and all that, but I feel like it drags on for a bit too long. Maybe you could start it just as he's entering the emergency ward. We only need to know the information from that point on, really. Besides, would patients really be sticking their heads out? If you've been in hospitals, most room doors are closed because the patients are either sleeping, hanging out in their beds, or being operated on. I don't think that the doctors would let them wander.

However, I thought that this piece was probably a little too short. When he got to the ward, it was a little confusing. Who is the section in italics talking about? We know he's seeing his mother now, and I was assuming that was so in the flashback. However, if I'm right, who is the boy? Why would he be in a ward with the character's mother? You don't have to mention much about him, but maybe some kind of relation would be nice.

Anyway, I really liked this piece! Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Hi mimimac. So here's my take on the story. The plot itself is compelling but as I was reading I did not feel engaged in the story at all because I did not feel any sympathy for the characters.

The reason I couldn't feel sympathy for them isn't because they're bad characters, but as a reader I need to know more about them. I can't care about someone I don't know and if I'm going to know a character I need to think about them as a real person.

Now there are many ways you can fix this. Firs, I would start out with rewriting the story with a stronger sense of voice for your narrator. You have a story with a 1st person narrator bet the narrator comes off as an omniscient voice. You need to incorporate speech patterns and word choices that you would expect for a person like your MC to use. Use some slang, even careful use of profanity will make reading the story seem more intimate for the reader, like the narrator is having a conversation with the reader instead of just making bland statements. A strong sense of voice will make your reader feel like he/she knows your MC personally.

Also we need to know about your MC's past if we are going to care about what happens to him. You could do that with a brief story within a story. I notice that people don't do that very often on this site and it troubles me, because I always believed that good fiction contains good fiction. A short anecdote about the MC's past when his mother was still healthy will make it all the more devastating when we find out that she is dying.

Flashbacks are another way to let the reader know more about your MC's past. They are probably the most effective way because people have flashbacks everyday in real life. They can be little things, for example your MC could look at the flowers on the wallpaper and suddenly be reminded of the flowers on his mother's dress she was wearing at his birthday party or something like that. Be creative.

Also, don't just tell us that the patients are sad and without hope. Show us and be specific. Focus on a few patients in particular. Have your MC walk by a room where an old woman in a wheel chair is sitting alone staring at a window with the blinds closed. Images such as these will make the scene seem all the more real and it will make the reader actually feel the depressed mood you're trying to create.

I hope this has been helpful to you. Let me know if you'd like me to elaborate on anything.

Hey guys, thanks for reviewing this. You all really gave me something to think about. I'm thinking of rewriting this again with all your points included, hopefully then you would be so kind as to tell me what you think of it then.
Thanks.
x Mii

Sure! Just PM me when you do.

This is really really good!
In my opinion i think in the first few paragraphs you used the word happy to much, but that might just be me because i cant use the same word twice in a paragraph.
Everyone already covered the rest, so no need for me to repeat it.
Anyways keep writing, and i cant wait to read it when you revise it!

I liked this piece it really drew me in and that's what you are looking to do as a writer. The title also caught my attention so thumbs up on that to. You might want to have given a name and a physical appearance.

This piece is quite good. The imagery was slap bang in the center of this writing. The title "Not Yet Broken" is a perfect fit to it. I think that you are a very good writer and look foreward to reading more of your work! Great job!