There once was a dentist called Dr. Orwell. She was in need of coconuts, at least one hundred. They might be the cure to a gum disease that kills people. She just needs to find a bunch of coconuts! She searched night and day, until she decided to search by sea. She rented a ship, brought her colleagues, and set sail! They stopped on every island, but they only found bananas, which boosts the disease. Suddenly, a giant ape held them captive and planned on eating them! This ape was quite different from others. It was a pure white. Even The skin under the thin peach-like hairs were snow white. Dr. Orwell was the only one skinny enough to escape the tight ropes. The ape was only looking at an ape friend. Dr. Orwell noticed a basket of coconuts. She swiped it away from the large gorilla's chair, tiptoed up a tree, and hit the ape with the coconuts! They smashed against his head and splatted everywhere. One of the colleagues pulled out a surgical knife and cut the ropes, with help of the others. They all made it to the ship, but the coconuts were ruined. They gave up and decided to go home to look for a different cure, if there was one. Once they were sailing, Dr. Orwell got an idea. They sold coconuts at the grocery store!
I must say I loved this xDD. A lot. It would make a great kids book if it were illustrated and added onto a little bit. Right now it's very very basic. I'd like to see you add on some details, like what she looks like, and stuff like that. But keep the children's book feel to it.
Keep writing!
~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."
That was cute and made me laugh. I agree that it would work well as a children's book, but it needs some work, first.
They might be the cure to a gum disease that kills people. She just needs to find a bunch of coconuts!
The first two sentences are in past tense ("once was a dentist"), but these two are in present. You need to pick a tense and stick with it, or your story sounds off and the readers will get confused about when the story happened (was it happening in the past, or is it happening now).
Another thing I noticed was that you have details that aren't connected to the rest of the story. For example, that the ape was looking at a friend comes out of the blue. If you rewrote things so that it read more like, "While the ape was looking at a friend, Dr. Orwell escaped. She was the only one skinny enough to escape from the tight ropes," it makes more sense.
I also think "Dr. Orwell got an idea" would be better as "Dr. Orwell realized something." It's funnier.
