The Red Secrets -- Preview

PREVIEW/PROLOGUE
Jainy has red eyes everytime someone pisses her off&she loses control of herself. There's too much drama and there's too much to handle at school, so she fleds.. To anywhere, but where she is now. She has no idea where she is, but ends up in a forest. She meets Michael, another guy with red eyes. Except, he knows the secret behind the red eyes. He tells her, 'I'll tell you the reason one day.' Jainy is happy with Michael.. Until Michael's brother comes in.. Justin.

Well this is extraordinarily short, and the language you've used in writing it is simple, bland, not at all what you want to read in a story most of the time. In a preview/prologue you want to give a bit of excitement and mystery, you want to make your reading go "Oh wow! I need to keep reading this seems interesting, I want to know what happens!" This doesn't do it for me at all. It seems based on the length, and the way it's written, it seems more like an outline then a prologue. So I suggest is that you keep this as an outline and work on another preview type thing.

Well this is extraordinarily short, and the language you've used in writing it is simple, bland, not at all what you want to read in a story most of the time.

I agree with BondGirl007. This is just so boring. You have written so short and that too have mistakes. You work on that. Something doesn't seem right here.

i would love to read more

Shubhi wrote:

Well this is extraordinarily short, and the language you've used in writing it is simple, bland, not at all what you want to read in a story most of the time.

I agree with BondGirl007. This is just so boring. You have written so short and that too have mistakes. You work on that. Something doesn't seem right here.

I agree with both Hope and Shubhi. This really does seem like an outline and a to be frank, one that needs great improvement. Here is your piece without the grammatical mistakes:

Jainy has red eyes. Everytime someone pisses her off, she loses control of herself. There's too much drama and there's too much to handle at school, so she fled. To anywhere, but where she is now. She has no idea where she is, but ends up in a forest. She meets Michael, another guy with red eyes. Except, he knows the secret behind the red eyes.

He tells her, 'I'll tell you the reason one day.'

Jainy is happy with Michael, until Michael's brother comes in...Justin.

And this would be my version of the first two sentences:

Jainy's eyes had always been scarlet red, ever since the day she was born. The doctor's examined and re-examined her but diagnosed it to her frantic parents as only a strange pigment disorder. What the doctor's didn't know was that Jainy's strange eyes weren't just a simple pigment problem, something easily fixed with contacts and nothing to be really bothered about. Everytime Jainy becomes angry, she loses control of herself and that's where the chaos begins.


You see even though my example was pretty bad, I turned two short sentences into a full paragraph. Just try a bit harder, edit it and maybe re-draft it

Hope I helped


~JAs