Toilet Humour (1)

[temp deleted]

--------------------------------------------------------

So, yeah - new story. This is the first half of it. It (plus an essay I haven't yet started) is due in Thursday morning, so I don't have much free time at the moment. Come Thursday, I shall be free - and intend to go on a reviewing spree, as a way of saying 'thank you' for all the reviews I've received for this and 'The Rape Tunnel'.
As usual, all and any feedback is very, very appreciated.
Part 2 should be coming either in a few hours, or tomorrow morning. Depends on whether or not I fall asleep before I finish it.

--------------------------------------------------------

Part (2) is up.

Hmm...
Well, I think your words flow very well. But, I don't know, I'm just a little confused. Did you mention where they were, or am I just confused? This is funny, but I am not liking the unclear setting. Of course I know it's a bathroom! But, the way you describe it, it seems public. Where are they drinking that they are at a public bathroom? A bar? But how coincidental is it that all those people are there at the same time? Sorry for the rambling.
There was only one line I found troublesome:

The air is warmer here and the air fresher.

I think you should say, "The air was warmer and fresher here." Or at least some variation of it,
I will be looking for the next part!
~Classy

Thanks for the speedy reply, captain.classy. =)

Oops - that's what happens when you edit, but don't then re-read the edited sentence. That should have been 'The air is warmer here, and fresher.' Changed it now.

Regarding the setting: it's meant to be the public toilet (bathroom) in a pub (bar). I kept the part about the pub deliberately vague, to keep the focus away from it - but if it's confusing people, perhaps I should elucidate things a little more?

Sureeeal,

Same characters as your last story, eh? I'm glad to see that -- they were interesting enough, and to see more is good.

Little thingamajig:

‘Yes, Rachael. You know - you’re girlfriend. You do still remember her, don’t you?’

Your, no?

Other than that, nothing to it. Enjoyable read - regardless of whatever, er, disturbing images it might bring to mind . I look forward to the next part -- keep writing.


Thumbs up,
June

Oh blimey, how did I get that wrong? Thanks for catching it. =)

Geeze, you do reply fast . Also -- Packies; I usually see it spelled as Pakis verse Packies, assuming you're referring to Pakistanis. Could just be a regional spelling or something, but "packies" might confuse some people.     

June

Hi Sureal!
This was a good read. A little, erm, vivid, but entertaining. Captain Classy and June already pointed out the things that I was going to.
I thought your flow was very good and I like your characters.
June mentioned that these are the same characters from your last story? I don't know if that fills in the gaps, but I thought there was a lot of empty space here. You kind of leave the reader guessing, and I felt a bit disconnected at times.

And by the way? A bathroom of all places? Kudos for originality.