Bride

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The fire crackled sharply and cast red shadows across our faces. The heat from the fire only gave warmth to the front of our bodies, so naturally, I was still cold. The sky was clear besides a silvery cloud that hid the moon, and the stars seemed close enough to touch.

As I glanced past the circle of my friends at the trees surrounding us, I was sure that my vivid imagination would run off with me; and if I didn’t force myself upon reality I would scare myself.

Laughing interrupted my fearful thoughts.

“I’m really glad we came here,” said Sandy, wrapping her blanket more tightly around her, “We should do it again.” Tyler nodded vivaciously in agreement as he poked the fire with a long stick he had found.

“Where did your dad go?” Annie asked Diane. It was remarkable that Cameron and Annie could miss the obvious wince crossing Diane’s face as she watched them cuddle closer together.

“I’m not sure,” she said quietly, her eyes flashed to Cameron’s face and then at the fire again.

I frowned sadly, Diane was easily in love with Cameron—and I couldn’t imagine the pain she felt as she watched he and Annie cuddle right in front of her.

“Are you okay?” Henry asked, wrapping an arm around me.

“I’m fine." I told him, snuggling closer to him so I could whisper in his ear. “It’s just Diane. I’m worried about her.”

He nodded understandingly, glancing at her with saddened eyes.

“So who’s up for a scary story?” Tyler rubbed his hands together excitedly after sitting down next to Diane.

She rolled her eyes, scooting farther away from him. “Not me.”

“Ah, come on. There’s no campfire without a good story.” Sandy laughed, beaming at Tyler. Diane glared menacingly and both of them, got up and sat next to me.

I squeezed her arm.

“Hey, are you alright?” I asked softly.

“I’ll be fine.” She grumbled, fixing her sweatshirt. “I wonder where my dad went…”

“Alright, I’ve got one,” said Tyler grinning eerily as the firelight danced across his shadowed face. “Brace yourselves… because what I’m about to tell you really happened right here in these woods.”

Sandy rolled her eyes. “Whatever Tyler.” She sat closer to Annie and Cameron when Tyler stood up to engage his audience.

The reflection of the fire flared in his eyes. We looked intently on him, waiting for the story to begin.

“Many years ago a beautiful girl was engaged to be married to a soldier,” he began in a low voice, moving his hands dramatically as he spoke (Diane muttered something in annoyance—Tyler ignored her), “Her beauty caught the eye of the quiet woodsman who lived in a cabin in the deepest part of these very woods, hidden near a path that she walked by every Monday and Wednesday to her dying mom.

“What many did not know, was the fact that this woodsman was no human; he had sold his soul so he could turn himself into a wolf anytime he wanted to. One Wednesday, he waited for the girl when she was walking home and then approached her, begging her to marry him. She basically shunned him, careless of his feelings, and cried out for her love to save her from the creepy woodsman’s advances.
Her fiancé had heard her, already searching for her when she was late returning home. The soldier told the guy to back off, threatening him with deathly consequences if he ever came upon his love again.

“The furious woodsman lay low for a few days—his pride hurt and anger hardly contained. He waited impatiently for his chance. It came upon the girl’s wedding day. She was dancing happily at her wedding reception with a group of her friends, unsuspecting to the eyes of the woodsman. He grabbed her suddenly and dragged her away with him to his hidden cabin, and the enraged lover-boy didn’t have a chance keeping up with the wolf’s maddening paces as they disappeared into the thick forest.

“For many days, the soldier and his buddies searched the woods in vain. Once he thought he saw the wolf, and shot at it. In reaching the area of where he had seen it, he found a piece of its tail lying on the ground. But where the wolf had gone, there was no sign. After months and months of searching, his friends begged him to let the girl go and move on.

“The soldier was now half-mad with losing her, and was never going to give it up (Tyler said this with an incredulous tone of voice, moving his hands to emphasize the words). That very day, he found the cave where the werewolf lived. Within it laid the preserved body of his beloved wife. The girl had refused the werewolf’s advances to the very end, and in his anger he had killed her.

After his murderous fury had died away, the wolf tenderly laid the body of the beautiful girl he had loved and now killed into a wooden coffin (“Just like Snow White!” Annie interrupted. Tyler scowled, moving on with an indignant tone), and he visited her every day. The soldier shot at the wolf that he had found upon the visit of his dead bride, and then… the wolf disappeared from sight. ( “Oooooo.” Mocked Cameron, wiggling his fingers with wide eyes. We laughed, and Tyler waited for silence to complete his story).

“It is said that the maddened soldier still haunts these woods today, killing anyone that might come near his corpse bride, still hunting the werewolf he believes still alive…”

“AGHHHH!”

We all screamed at Diane’s dad, who had appeared behind Tyler when we least expected it.

“Damn it, Olsen!” Tyler cursed, shoving him before sitting down.

Mr. Olsen laughed, giving him a light punch in the shoulder before sitting next to him. “It’s Mr. Olsen, Tyler. How many times do I have to tell you?”

I didn’t realize I had been so enthralled by the story until Henry had gently lifted my clutched fingers from his arm.

“Oh, sorry.” I muttered, folding my hands together. He wrapped his arms around me and held me, chuckling.

“You’re fine,” he murmured into my ear.

“Alright kids,” he said checking his watch, “About time for bed, don’t you think?”

Tyler chucked a marshmallow at Cameron and Annie, who were snuggling up a little too close for a social atmosphere. Diane was already up, halfway to the tent.

Ten minutes later Henry was walking me to my tent, holding me close as I shivered.

“Sure you don’t want to keep me warm tonight?” I teased, blinking at him innocently. He laughed, holding me close.

“Very tempting,” he murmured in my ear, “but I’ll have to reject that offer seeing as Mr. Olsen will be checking the tents.”

He kissed the top of my head. “Good night, Mary.”

I crawled into the tent and carefully climbed over Sandy, slipping into my sleeping back and shivering against its silky coldness.

Diane lay quietly on the other side of me, and Annie was still talking to Cameron by the fire.

“Is Sandy asleep?” she asked, rolling towards me. Laughter from the other tent next to us interrupted me, and we were silent for a moment.

“Henry! What the hell!?”

“No hard feelings, Ty. Just keep the wild life out of my sleeping bag and it won’t happen again.”
Diane and I giggled.

“Alright now,” Mr. Olsen called from the tent, “Annie, Cameron, get to bed. We got a big day ahead of us.”

Diane sighed, pounding her pillow in frustration.

“Yes,” I said, “Sandy’s asleep.” I confirmed after testing her. “What’s up?” I asked.

“I really don’t think I can handle this,” she admitted, her voice soft, “It hurts so much to see them together.”

I sighed, “I don’t understand why Annie is okay with how you’re being hurt in all of this,” I said in frustration.

“Mary.”

“Yes?” I asked.

“I think I’m still in love with him.” She whimpered, only silencing when we heard footsteps near out tent. Annie and Cameron spoke softly, and I cursed the sound of their lips coming together before he said good night.

I gave her a sympathetic look. She smiled bitterly before turning away from the tent door.
Annie crawled in guiltily, and Diane hid her face in her pillow to hide what I was sure to be an extremely malicious look. The silence was awkward, so I deemed it an appropriate time to go to sleep.

***

I was in my bed, smiling at my beaming parents who had just kissed me goodnight. Being only seven-years-old, it hadn’t crossed my mind that it would be the last time they did so. I had curled up comfortably in the soft-cotton quilt my grandma had made for my sixth birthday, my eye-lids growing heavier and heavier as sleep loomed over my sub-conscious mind.

And then the closet door that was placed directly across from my bed opened very slowly. I could hear a rough breathing, haggard and gasping. I did what any normal seven-year-old child would do in that situation. I slipped farther under the quilt, hugging it to me tightly. I closed my eyes as tight as they could shut, pushing my lips together so they might not allow a whimper of fear escape.

Then I heard the creaking steps on the wooden floor of my bedroom, and still the rough breathing, the snarling exhales. I dared not move. My body felt paralyzed, clammy and shaking. I thought I might pass out for I was barely breathing.

I heard the door to my bedroom open, allowing the hall light to trip into my room. Whatever it was that had been in my closet crept into the hallway, leaving the door open.

My parent’s bedroom was only two doors away. The first door was the bathroom, followed by a closet door. An avid desire to warn my parents gave me the courage to slip shakily out of bed.

I tiptoed to the door of my bedroom, peeking out just in time to see the back of a hairy creature wearing ragged clothing, standing on two legs and carefully opening the door to my parent’s bedroom. Luckily my hand was over my mouth to stop me from crying out, and I ran back to my bed, hiding under the quilt.

And then my mother's scream…

The scream that would haunt me forever as they fought for their lives. And failed.

There was yelling for only a second, it sounded like things were being pushed over—more snarling—and then a window shattered, I could hear my father gasping—and then, silence.

I trembled under the soft quilt, still paralyzed and unable to cry for help. I clutched the locket my now-deceased parents had given me, scared like never before.

The quietness seemed to tell me that I was okay, the creature was gone. I slowly peeked from under the covers…

And there was the creature’s face staring at me, only six inches from my face.
He does not weep who does not see. -Victor Hugo




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Hey! Basket here! I'm going to review your piece today, I hope you don't mind! I review as i read, so if I mention something that's later explained in the chapter, I apologize and you can just ignore it. :wink:
So, my corrections, or what I'm going to be correcting is in bold within the quotation boxes we can do here, okay? Sound good? Great. Lets get started. :D


Tyler rubbed his hands together excitedly after sitting down next to Diane.

This would sound better if it was:
"Tyler rubbed his hands together excitedly, sitting next to Diane."

There’s no campfire without a good story.”

This sounds kind of awkward. Try:
"What's a campfire without a good story?"

“I’ll be fine.” She grumbled, fixing her sweatshirt. “I wonder where my dad went…”

Here, it would be nice to know what happened to her dad. Did he go into the woods? Why? Give us some detail here! I'm curious, too! :P

because what I’m about to tell you, really happened right here in these woods.”


“Many years ago a beautiful girl was engaged to be married to a soldier,” he began in a low voice, moving his hands dramatically as he spoke (Diane muttered something in annoyance—Tyler ignored her). “Her beauty

This is a long run on sentence, if you read it. So, put a period instead of a comma after the paranthesized bit. :)

Monday and Wednesday to her dying mom.

I would personally use "mother" here. Much more professional sounding.

She basically shunned him,

Nix "basically". 'Tis unneeded.

“The furious woodsman lay low for a few days—his pride hurt and anger hardly contained.

"lay" to "laid".
"anger hardly contained" to "anger was hardly contained".

He waited impatiently for his chance. It came upon the girl’s wedding day.

These two sentences are short sentences that could be combined. So, combine them together with "which".
"He waited impatiently for his chance which came upon the girl's wedding day."

“The soldier was now half-mad with losing her, and was never going to give it up (Tyler said this with an incredulous tone of voice, moving his hands to emphasize the words). That very day, he found the cave where the werewolf lived.

Change this to:
"The soldier was now half-mad with losing her and was never going to give it up," Tyler said with an incredulous tone of voice, moving his hands to emphasize the words. "That very day, he found the cave where the werewolf lived."
Even though you're telling a scary story, adding in the narrator's motions and facial expressions are a good thing. So you don't have to put them in paranthesizes. :D

Within it laid the preserved body of his beloved wife. The girl had refused the werewolf’s advances to the very end, and in his anger he had killed her.

So... when the werewolf killed her, he preserved it also?
Also, how long ago did he kill her? Depending on that, the body could be all rotted and gross, or just cold yet.

After his murderous fury had died away, the wolf tenderly laid the body of the beautiful girl he had loved and now killed into a wooden coffin (“Just like Snow White!” Annie interrupted. Tyler scowled, moving on with an indignant tone), and he visited her every day. The soldier shot at the wolf that he had found upon the visit of his dead bride, and then… the wolf disappeared from sight. ( “Oooooo.” Mocked Cameron, wiggling his fingers with wide eyes. We laughed, and Tyler waited for silence to complete his story).

Woooaahhhhhh wait a minute. Did the soldier see the wolf kill her? Or does he just see the coffin and go up to it? And then sees the werewolf dude?
Also, same as before, take out the paranthesizes. That way, it'll look like this:

"After his murderous fury had died away, the wolf tenderly laid the body of the beautiful girl he had loved and now killed into a wooden coffin--"

"Just like Snow White!" Annie interuppted.

Tyler scowled and moved on with an indignant tone, "and visited her every day. The soldier shot the wolf that he had found upon the visit of his dead bride and then... the wolf disappeared from sight."

"Oooooo," mocked Cameron, wiggling his fingers with wide eyes. We laughed as Tyler waited for silence to complete his story.

We all screamed at Diane’s dad, who had appeared behind Tyler when we least expected it.

Wait, he all of a sudden just randomly appears behind Tyler and every screams? Or he jumps out and tries to scare them?

Ten minutes later, Henry was walking me to my tent,


slipping into my sleeping back and shivering against its silky coldness.

I'd change that to "coolness".

I did what any normal seven-year-old child would do in that situation.

Wouldn't a normal seven year old scream for her parents? I know I would have...

Then I heard the creaking steps on the wooden floor of my bedroom, and still the rough breathing, the snarling exhales.

"...bedroom; the rough..."


Hmm... This was... interesting, to say the least.
Ahh, I'm confused by it... the story was told, all said and done, but there's a flashback to when she's seven and the monster is then? If you were going to have that, you should've incorporated some sort of eriee-ness to the story because of that...

Sorry to be rash, but I really didn't see the point in this story...
Maybe if you Pmed me to explain or something? I don't mean to be mean, so sorry if its come out that way, but...

It was an interesting read, though. :D
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Hey,

I didn't like the flash back. To be honest, I just skimmed through it, not really reading it. I wanted to read more about the wolf in the woods, not Mary in her bedroom when she was seven.

What was the point of the flash back?

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.




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Whoa!

Hey there! June here!

Phantom has pointed out most of the nit picks I would have touched on, so I'll stick to an overall.

I really like the way you narrated the camp fire scene. It was easy to relate to; nothing too special, but nothing too bland.

The events here tie into each other well, although they are slightly vague. At any rate, you did a really nice job with that, creating the perfect horror tone through out this.

The touch of romance in it was decent, but it wasn't my favorite aspect of the story. It was nice, believable, but it wasn't especially relative to the other events.

I'm going to agree with meaningless; I didn't enjoy the placement of the flashback, because traumatic flashbacks in stories usually give me the "OMG, Self pity!" impression, and stuff of that sort. However! Unlike the typical general stories I'm talking about, it made sense.

Not only did it make sense, it was actually very, very effective. ;)

Wonderful closing! I loved this piece! :D

June
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It was a nice story. It kind of did scare me just a little bit. Make it scarier!

I did have a problem with it.

"Luckily my hand was over my mouth to stop me from crying out, and I ran back to my bed, hiding under the quilt.
There was yelling for only a second, it sounded like things were being pushed over—more snarling—and then a window shattered, I could hear my father gasping—and then, silence.
I trembled under the soft quilt, still paralyzed and unable to cry for help. I clutched the locket my now-deceased parents had given me, scared like never before.

The quietness seemed to tell me that I was okay, the creature was gone. I slowly peeked from under the covers…

And there was the creature’s face staring at me, only six inches from my face."

So you're saying the wolf appeared in her flashback but didn't kill her? It wasn't clear at all




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I have to say I really really liked this... until I hit the flashback.

That's not what I wanted at all. I wanted Diane to be all better, not some weird flashback.

I get that it was the wolf that came into her room, but why? Why'd it leave the woods and decide to kill her parents? Why'd it leave the corpse?

And why are you telling us now, after we've heard the story, after we've calmed down?

You need to work on it more. Tie it in to the beginning - make the switchover a lot smoother so it's not as much of a jerk. Let us know why you're telling it, because, to be honest, I don't see why. There are a thousand other things that could have been done, without a flashback. And she didn't seem scared enough to have been hearing about the creature that killed her parents - build that up more if you keep it. Don't focus so much on the worlf, focus on the outside world, too. Let us feel their fear, emotionally and physically.

And let poor Diane have some sort of closure.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415



shady and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws
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