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This is the prologue of the story I'm writing. Please review!

That night was when the nightmares began. I dreamt I was in Andrea's house, but it was empty. I searched through every corner, of every room, of every hallway, of every floor. Nothing. There was nothing to be seen and the only thing to be heard was the deafening sound of silence. I could hardly walk, hardly breathe. It was darker than darkness itself and every corner I turned looked exactly the same. I began to panic, I didn't know where I was. I didn't know if I was on the top floor or the bottom floor. Everywhere looked the same. It was like a giant maze that had no ending, like a tunnel with no light at the end. I didn't know what I was searching for and whatever I was searching for it was pointless. My breathing got harder, the numbness got stronger. I began to run, but the more I ran the bigger the house got. That's where the strange part happened. I would run past a door and turn back around because inside that door there was life.
I slowly began to walk into the room. There was a grand vase with a bouquet of unimaginable flowers placed beside the sofa. The flowers were pink, orange, blue, red and any other colour anyone could possibly think of. There was a pale blue bed at one end of the room, matching a pale blue sofa. But none of these things weren't important to me. The chair at the very end of the room by the bed was the item that was important to me. Because sat on that chair there was the girl. I kept walking forward until I reached the chair. The girl was sad. She held her head down looking at the floor. I tried talking to her but I got no response. She just sat there. Sat there and cried. I wanted to put my arm around her, comfort her but no matter how hard I tried there was always something stopping me from doing so. This feeling. This force. The girl suddenly looked up. I knew who she was. It was Sapphire, I was sure of that. And that's when I would wake up.
I would wake up gasping for air. Sometimes I woke up and I could swear that someone was watching me. Watching me in the darkness. I could feel the cold sweat running down my forehead. It didn't make sense. None of it made sense. I didn't understand what the dream meant, the only thing I was positive about was that the young girl was Sapphire. I tried to remember the dream. Sapphire looked about thirteen. She was afraid, lonely, confused and there was nothing I could do to help her. The numb feeling began to fade and the fear began to disappear. These feelings were replaced by wonder and confusion. Nothing made sense. Why would I dream something like that? What did it mean? These questions were like my dream, they got me searching, searching for the answer to nothing.
For some reason I wanted to cry but I couldn't so I just stared at nothing and thought about nothing. That is something I like-nothing. The good thing about nothing is that you don't get worried by it and there's nothing bad about it. It's just so peaceful. There isn't anything good about it either but the fact that there isn't anything bad about nothing is what makes it good.
Last edited by Sins on Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:30 am, edited 1 time in total.




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I'm assuming this isn't intended to be the beginning of the story? If it is, then I have to say it is a bit confusing - who are Andrea and Sapphire? Who is narrating? When was this? Having said that, you could use this confusion as a way of leading the reader on, as they may continue to read the story just so they can find out more about what is going on. But, as I said earlier, I'm assuming that this is not the beginning of the story.

There were a few minor spelling errors, such as "panick", "awnser" and "peacfull".

I can't really comment on much else, as I don't really understand what this story is about, and I'm not very good with technical stuff. But the description of the dream was suitably long and vivid, and you engaged my interest throughout.
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Hello Megan.
I'm Mia and I will be your reviewer today. :)
Before I begin with the critique, I noticed you're a new member and thought I'd point out some rules that you may not have been aware of.

1/ New members are asked to review two works before posting any of their own. Since you've posted two of your own works, you have to write four reviews :). After you do this, you may post as many things as you like, but that 2:1 ratio is asked to be kept.

2/ Any stories/ poems should be rated according to their contact. Anything with mature content and vulgar language should be rated 'R'.

3/ No chat speak please, we are writers and must behave as so. =]

For some more rules, check this out:

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Okay... now onto the review. :)

I dreamt that I was in Andrea's house insert comma here but it was empty.


There was nothing to be seen and the only thing to be heard was the [s]deafaning [/s] deafening sound of silence.


It was darker than darkness itself insert comma here and every corner I turned looked exactly the same.


This is just something I'd like to point out... nothing can be darker than darkness, because darkness is the abscence of light, so you can't go any darker. (If that made sense, sorry :P) I'm assuming this is a dream, so yes I think it's acceptable to write 'it was darker than darkness itself', since anything is possible in dreams. If it isn't a dream though, I'd rethink it.

I began to [s]panick[/s] panic


I didn't know what I was searching for and whatever I was searching for it was pointless

This sentence doesn't make nay sense. Remove the second 'whatever I was searching for'.

That's where the strange part happened.

Oh, so the rest of what had happened wasn't strange? :P

I would run past a door and turn back around because inside that door there was life.

This is odd, because the words 'I would run past a door and turn back' basically show that you've done this with numerous doors. Yet it's just one, change this sentence to: I ran past a door and turned back, because inside that room there was life.

There was a pale blue bed at one end of the room, matching a [s]plae [/s] pale blue sofa.


These questions were like my dream, they got me searching, searching for the [s]awnser [/s] answer to nothing.


For some reason I wanted to cry insert comma here but I couldn't insert comma here so I just stared at nothing and thought about nothing.


Show and tell
You tend to tell the reader certain information. You need to learn how to show the reader the same information without just telling it to them.

The girl was sad.

This is an example of what I said. You just told the reader the girl was sad. How do you know this? What gave it away? Was it her actions, what she was doing, her facial expression?

An example of telling:
Sam was hot.

An example of showing:
Sweat glistened on Sam's red face as he fanned himself with a piece of paper, trying to cool himself down.

See the difference?
There's a wonderful article on this in the 'knowledge base' part of the site.

Plot
Can't really say much about this since I don't understand what's going on.

Characters
I think you need to describe what's on the main character's mind. Show her feelings more, so we get to know her better. This is for the best because the character is what makes the story. If you have a good plot, but lousy characters, the story is going to be rubbish. This is how important they are to the story.

Great work, you really described what's going on well. Correct the things I pointed out above and work on showing and not telling. This will make the piece great.

PM me if you need any other reviews or if you have any questions.
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Hi Megan! Welcome to the site and I hope you like it here so far. x]

Megan White wrote:That night was when the nightmares began. I dreamt [s]that[/s] I was in Andrea's house comma for effect but it was empty. I searched through every corner, of every room, of every hallway, of every floor. Nothing. There was nothing to be seen and the only thing to be heard was the deaf[s]a[/s]ening sound of silence. I could hardly walk, hardly breathe. It was darker than darkness itself and every corner I turned looked exactly the same. I began to panic[s]k[/s], I didn't know where I was. I didn't know if I was on the top floor or [s]if I was on[/s] the bottom floor. Everywhere looked the same. It was like a giant maze that had no ending, like a tunnel with no light at the end. I didn't know what I was searching for and whatever I was searching for it was pointless. [s]The[/s] My breathing got harder, the numbness got stronger. I began to run, but the more I ran the bigger the house got. That's where the strange part happened. I would run past a door and turn back around because inside that door there was life. I slowly began to walk into the room. There was a grand vase with a bouquet of unimaginable flowers placed beside the sofa. The flowers were pink, orange, blue, red and any other colour anyone could possibly think of. There was a pale blue bed at one end of the room, matching a plae misspelt blue sofa. But none of these things were what caught my attention. Well they must have, for she's describing them. May say they were not important to her, rather? The chair at the very end of the room by the bed was the item that caught my attention. Bit awkwardly phrased Because sat on that chair there was [s]the[/s] a girl. I kept walking forward until I reached the chair. The girl was sad. She held her head down looking at the floor. I tried talking to her but I got no response. She just sat there. Sat there and cried. I wanted to put my arm around her, comfort her but no matter how hard I tried there was always something stopping me from doing so. This feeling. This force. The girl suddenly looked up. I knew who she was. It was Sapphire, I was sure of that. And that's when I would wake up. I would wake up gasping for air. Sometimes I woke up and I could swear that someone was watching me. Watching me in the darkness. I could feel the cold sweat running down my forehead. It didn't make sense. None of it made sense. I didn't understand what the dream meant, the only thing I was posotive spelling about was that the young girl was Sapphire. I tried to remember the dream. Sapphire looked about thirteen. She was afraid, lonely, confused and there was nothing I could do to help her. The numb feeling began to fade and the fear began to disappear. These feelings were replaced by wonder and confusion. Nothing made sense. Why would I dream something like that? What did it mean? These questions were like my dream, they got me searching, searching for the awnser spelling!!! to nothing.

For some reason I wanted to cry but I couldn't comma so I just stared at nothing and thought about nothing. [s]That is something I like. Nothing.[/s] That is something I like -- nothing. The good thing about nothing is that you don't get worried by it and there's nothing bad about it. It's just so peacfull spelling, again. There isn't anything good about it either but the fact that there isn't anything bad about nothing is what makes it good.


Absolutely fantastic. Brilliant suspense, felt I was there all the time. Had the shifting qualities of a dream, too.
The problem is that the majority of the text is in one paragraph, when it should have been split into several. If I were you, I'd read slowly though and find where it needs breaking up. Also you should spellcheck your work for silly errors,

Otherwise, a great start to your story! Kudos.




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Thanks for the comments guys!
It's not really supposed to make sense because it's a random part of the story!
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



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