Rain On Me

This is for Rosey's Elements of Nature contest. I should think that the rain counts as one?



I watched as the rain blurred the image outside the window, distorting the trees and sky. The clouds kept piling up, a thick gray blanket masking the usual blue. The wind blew through the windchimes and the grass bowed under it, tiny green umbrellas for the ground.

It was beautiful, in an oddly violent kind of way. It was like one of those late-night horror movies - disgusting, yet somehow fascinating too. Angry, but with a purpose. The rain let the world live. Without it, the plants wouldn't grow. Long Island would be just another desert. As it was, my home was a small town, lost in thick forests and the beach just a five minute drive away. I suppose I was lucky, in a way. I didn't have to go on a vacation to see something breath-taking.

The thunder rolled in the distance, lightning illuminating the sky for a brief second. The phone rang, the orange caller-ID screen flashing. I didn't even look to see who it was; the storm was too beautiful a sight to interrupt.

"You should have gotten that," my mother said, her footsteps echoing like a bass drum behind me.

"Couldn't," I replied, still fixated by the natural war right outside the window.

"You shouldn't stand that close. In any case, I don't see why you find this gloominess so pretty."

My eyes flickered towards her shadow, which was soon replaced by her slim silhouette. "Don't you see, Mom?" I asked. "Sunny days are so normal here. There's nothing magical about them. The sun steals from the earth, drying it up, eating all the life. But the rain... The rain brings life. The rain brings water and growth. The rain lets us survive."

"So does the sun," Mom muttered.

"Yes, but in a different way, Mom. The sun is so ordinary; it's always there. The rain - "

"Isn't anything new," she said, interrupting me.

I frowned and turned back to the window, watching the fog creep in and dance around the trees. It was music. The sound of the rain pounding against the roof. The sound of the wind howling through the crevices. The thunder. Unlikely as it was, the melody was wonderfully poignant.

I couldn't stand it any longer. I tugged the door open and stepped out onto the porch.

"Where do you think you're going?" Mom demanded.

I blinked once but kept my mouth shut. Wasn't it obvious?

"Come back inside! You'll catch a cold."

I shook my head and closed the door, cutting off her pessimistic words. Lifting my arms up to the sky, I turned in a slow circle, feeling the wind tousle my hair, the rain fall on my face. This was the dance of life. War-like, beautiful, brilliant. I shivered as the cold wrapped around me, but it was worth it.

A smile spread across my face and I closed my eyes, moving to the music of the world.

I would venture to guess that this is a very good piece of writing.

fire_of_dawn wrote:I would venture to guess that this is a very good piece of writing.

That would be an accurate guess. I did enjoy it very much, and couldn't find anything grammatically wrong with it. Then again, I'm not that great with grammer. Please do tell how you do/did in the contest.

Ah, most delicious. It's always nice to read a vignette like this. It's short, non-sequitur, and pleasant to read. I'd say it's the literary equivalent of a well-crafted icon.

In short, good show!

this piece was pretty good. I do wish it were longer though, the story sucks you in but lest go far too soon. that said, it's still fantastic in its own right. your light use of dialogue makes the conversations weigh with even more gravity upon the story.

as much as I enjoyed the style and writing, what really got me was the imagery.
it's subtle, effective, and very powerful without never being oppresive or overdone.

all in all, good work. I look forward to reading more from you.

Hi, Explosive_Pen Just a quick review here.

I watched as the rain blurried you mean 'blurred', right? the image outside the window, distorting the trees and sky. The clouds kept piling up, a thick gray blanket masking the usual blue. The wind blew through the windchimes and the grass bowed under it, tiny green umbrellas for the ground. Eek. Imagery has been good up to this point, but I don't like this last part. Grass is no form resembles umbrellas. Plain doesn't work.


It was beautiful, in an oddly violent kind of way. [s]It was like one of those late-night horror movies - disgusting, yet somehow fascinating too.[/s] Sorry, just found that a bit irrelevant Angry, but with [s]a[/s] purpose. The rain let the world live. Without it, the plants wouldn't grow. Long Island would be just another desert. As it was, my home was a small town, lost in thick forests and the beach just a five minute drive away. I suppose I was lucky, in a way. I didn't have to go on a vacation to see something breath-taking.


The thunder rolled in the distance, lightning illuminating the sky for a brief second. The phone rang, the orange caller-ID screen flashing. I didn't even look to see who it was; the storm was too beautiful a sight to interrupt.


"You should have gotten that," my mother said, her footsteps echoing like a bass drum behind me.


"Couldn't," I replied, still fixated by the natural war [s]right[/s] outside the window.


"You shouldn't stand that close. In any case, I don't see why you find this gloominess so pretty." This feels so forced and unlikely a thing to say


My eyes flickered towards her shadow, which was soon replaced by her slim silhouette. "Don't you see, Mom?" I asked. "Sunny days are so normal here. There's nothing magical about them. The sun steals from the earth, drying it up, eating all the life. But the rain... The rain brings life. The rain brings water and growth. The rain lets us survive."


"So does the sun," Mom muttered.


"Yes, but in a different way, Mom. The sun is so ordinary; it's always there. The rain - "


"Isn't anything new," she said, interrupting me.


I frowned and turned back to the window, watching the fog creep in and dance around the trees. It was music. The sound of the rain pounding against the roof. The sound of the wind howling through the crevices. The thunder. Unlikely as it was, the melody was beautiful. Swap 'beautiful' for something else. You've used it already.


I couldn't stand it any longer. I tugged the door open and stepped out onto the porch.


"Where do you think you're going?" Mom demanded.


I blinked once but kept my mouth shut. Wasn't it obvious?


"Come back inside! You'll catch a cold."


I shook my head and closed the door, cutting off her pessimistic words. Lifting my arms up to the sky, I turned in a slow circle, feeling the wind [s]tossle[/s] tousle my hair, the rain fall on my face. This was the dance of life. War-like, beautiful, brilliant. I shivered as the cold wrapped around me, but it was worth it.


A smile spread across my face and I closed my eyes, moving to the music of the world.

This incorporates everything a short story should. Subtle, pretty, not long-winded, affecting and leaving the reader wanting more. The imagery was superb. Perfect length, too. The only issues I have with it are the dialogue, which I found stilted and unrealistic, and the habit you appeared to have for repetition. Otherwise, thumbs&toes-up
Gold star.

Short and sweet!
I think you should add in a little piece about the smell.> I absolutely love the smell of a fresh rainfall. That wet soil and earthworms scent that refreshes the senses. Other than that, I really like this. Good luck!

I loved it


The imagery was beautiful; the message profound. You're a very talented writer, Explosive_Pen! (So I will stalk you and read more).

The grammar and length were perfect.

There's not much else that I can say, except that this was a masterpiece.

Hey =]

Aww - i really loved this - you already know i love the way you write!

The imagery was brilliant and it flowed really well.

I watched as the rain blurred the image outside the window, distorting the trees and sky. The clouds kept piling up, a thick gray blanket masking the usual blue. The wind blew through the windchimes and the grass bowed under it, tiny green umbrellas for the ground. - I love this an an opening paragraph!

I like the mini argument between the narrator and her mum about whether the sun or rain is better, it helped to break up the imagery so that the piece wasn't just description.

You are very talented =]

Good luck in the contest!

xDudettex

Hiya Explosive_Pen!

Since I am now finished the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^

I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.

Element: You bet Rain counts as one! A nice choice. I just love the way things were described. I feel the same way about storms. ^_^ They're just so beautiful to watch. For the reasons you've put in.

Originality: Not one of the classic elements, but Rain is part of Nature. It was very refreshing to see something to normal shown this way. Nicely done!

Structure: Very near perfect. Or, perfect. I can't find a stay comma, word, metaphor or anything for that matter out of place.

Congratulations Pen! You have first prize!

Be sure to claim it!

Like everybody else said, this was a masterpiece.

~Rosey

Hey Pen! This seemed interesting, so I'll take a look...

I. NITPICKS

the natural war right outside the window.

The war between who and who?

"You shouldn't stand that close.

To the window?

II. OVERALL

Wow. I really, really don't have anything else to say. This was simple and beautiful and really, really, really well written.

Gosh, I'm so annoyed with myself. But good job, no wonder you won the contest!

*gold stars*

-Stel x

Gosh, no wonder you won. This piece is excellent and I think you deserved that prize. This was a short and sweet little piece, with brilliant description and imagery. I really enjoyed it and I found it almost adorable! Just remember what someone else said about the dialogue sounding a little forced. As you're writing, consider if you can imagine someone you know or yourself saying that in real life.

Aside that, it was a really beautiful piece with a slightly poetic feel to it, but certainly not purple prose at the same time. (:

Great piece! I was captivated right at the beginning. You described the rain and the storms beautifully, so.

This piece was lovely and perfectly encapsulated my own feelings about rain...

"...and the grass bowed under it, tiny green umbrellas for the ground." I loved this; never before had I ever viewed grass as shelter in a storm. The imagery you created here reminded me of Alice in Wonderland--a sort of whimsical idea that makes perfect sense when you think about it.

"...disgusting and yet somehow fascinating too." I did not like this line. Or your reference to a horror film... It made me think of gross, slasher movie scenes, and I think that sort of distracts from the piece. Also, the piece is strictly nature, it doesn't make sense to compare it to a human-made object. I LOVED the sentence before: "beautiful and violent". That is an extremely good description--all-natural, and captures the very essence of thunderstorms, in my opinion.

I have mixed feelings about the mother. One way, I want to despise her, for her derision of the rain, for her non-acceptance of her daughter's different views. But then again, perhaps she's had a bad day. Perhaps, on a rainy night in her distant past, something horrible happened to her. Or maybe she's just a sunny kind of person. I like these contrasts, and maybe you didn't create the mother like this intentionally, but it adds depth.

"This was the dance of life." My favorite sentence in the whole piece! Many times, water has poured from the heavens, and I can practically FEEL my soul yearning to join the joyous celebration. It is magic. It is the rhythm, one of the very threads of life. I do not believe that rain takes away. I believe that it gives, and invites, invites people to join in the blessing of Earth. So, reading your piece... It gave me much hope that others feel as I do--that the world is wondrous and partaking in it makes your soul sing. Thank you for this piece. It made me happy, and gave me a strong desire to go dance in the rain drizzling outside my window.

A star, and a million raindrops!