Suicide Note

Not my best ever, but I needed to post something with all these points! Just kidding. Please review!

My Dearest Mother,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to bear this. I truly am.

It’s not your fault, I want – no, need you to know that. It’s completely mine, and I'm to blame for not telling you, for not being a better daughter than I was. I guess I felt it was time to take matters into my own hands, time to relieve you of the burden dumped on you fourteen years ago. I hope you’ll be happier now, seeing as that’s one less mouth to feed. It’s hard to raise ten children on a single, meagre salary, isn’t it?

You don’t need an irresponsible girl who fails in almost everything. You don’t need a wheelchair-confined girl who either can’t or won’t do the merest task to help you. You don’t need a self-pitying girl who can’t draw, or sing, or even play to save her life. You don’t need me. I saw that.

You’re right. I was useless. I was hopeless. I knew it, and I knew that you knew it. Don’t you think I saw how you pent it up inside? I could always tell, whether I was going out for , supposedly, a stroll, or taking an unnecessary afternoon nap, I could tell that you were frustrated, that you wanted to break down after your day of work. That you were dying for a rest instead of the pile of house chores for your pains. You always saw through me. You always knew that I was just avoiding work. And yet, you kept mum.

It hurt. Maybe that’s why you did it – it hurt more than any yelling could. Or maybe you just knew that old habits die hard, and even if you did say a word, I wouldn’t change my ways.

Every night I’d sob myself to sleep, scolding myself, tearing myself apart, when the real one who should’ve been crying was you. You were so strong. You bore all. I never lifted a finger, yet I was so, so weak.

Remember the toys you bought me when I was little? Remember the pretty little teddy bear, the one I lost? I found it. It was in the drawer, under all the old photos.

If you see any tearstains there, I'm sorry. I couldn’t help it, especially when I saw the pictures of Dad with us. I wish Dad was still here. It doesn’t change anything, does it, this pointless wishing? They never come true. We would still be living in luxury if they did. We would be happy, we would be together.

I’ve made a wreck of my life. Irreversibly. There is no starting over; no “undo” button. That’s why I threw it away. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t undervalue life. I cherish it. But mine was beyond repair – there was no reforming possible for me.

It must’ve hurt to bring me into this world, but I hope it hurts less still to see me out. Grant me a few things, will you, please? A few whims of a worthless daughter. Donate my organs, if they are still whole. Sell everything of mine that can’t be used by Joanna, Daniel, Suzy or Angela. Keep my savings, which I left under my bed sheets.

And lastly: Be happy, because, though I didn’t show it, I love you.



Felicity.

I think its an extremly emotional heatfelt letter and i could easily see someone actuallty leaving a note like this to someone they care about.
the only thing it think is a bit strange is the part where it says "girl who failed everything almost all her exams" i think someone who was commiting sucide would bring up exams in her last good bye to her mother. it seems out of place. other than that its really good

Thanks! I changed the weird line into something more likely. I think I should go to sleep now, anyway.

This was kind of based on my own clinical depression when I was younger. I guess I would've written it better then.

Thanks again for the review!

Cheers,
Lily.

I have to agree, this letter is very emotional and i could see someone actually writing this. There was just one thing i saw

Don’t you think I saw how you pent it up inside?

Are you trying to say:

Don't you think i saw how you kept it all inside?

But that's about it. Nice job

Yup. Pent: Confined in a pen, imprisoned.

Thanks for the review too!

Cheers,
Lily.

Heelllloooooooo, Lily!

I guess I felt it was time to take matters into my own hands, time to relieve you of the burden dumped on you fourteen years ago. I hope you’ll be happier now, seeing as that’s one less mouth to feed. It’s hard to raise ten children on a single, meagre salary, isn’t it?

I'm just throwing in a personal opinion here. In the earlier sentences of this paragraph, Felicity seems truly bad for her mother. These sentences seem very bitter and sarcastic, especially with words such as "burden dumped on you." Is that what you were going for?

And yet, you kept mum.

Um, what? This doesn't make any sense.

Felicity.

I love how her name means happiness.

Overall, Lily, this was very good. I didn't see many errors -- and I love to nit-pick. It was very heartfelt and interesting. Are you planning to develop it into a story?

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~

Ah, another review while I was away!

I'm just throwing in a personal opinion here. In the earlier sentences of this paragraph, Felicity seems truly bad for her mother. These sentences seem very bitter and sarcastic, especially with words such as "burden dumped on you." Is that what you were going for?

Yeah. I think so.

Um, what? This doesn't make any sense.

Oh, it means, you kept quiet. You didn't comment. Whichever you prefer.

Are you planning to develop it into a story?

I didn't intend to, but now that you mention it.. Maybe. Just maybe.

Thanks for the review!

Cheers,
Lily.

LilyJamey wrote:Not my best ever, but I needed to post something with all these points! Just kidding. Please review!

My Dearest Mother,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to bear this. I truly am.

It’s not your fault, I want – no, need you to know that. It’s completely mine. The blame rests wholly on my shoulders, for not telling you, for not being a better daughter than I was. I guess I felt it was time to take matters into my own hands, time to relieve you of the burden dumped on you fourteen years ago. I hope you’ll be happier now, seeing as that’s one less mouth to feed. It’s hard to raise ten children on a single, meagre salary, isn’t it?

You don’t need an irresponsible girl who fails in almost all (cross that out) everything. You don’t need a wheelchair-confined girl who either can’t or won’t do the merest task to help you. You don’t need a self-pitying girl who can’t draw, or (cross that out) sing, or even play to save her life. You don’t need me, and I saw that.

You’re right, I was useless, and hopeless. I knew it, and I knew you did too. Don’t you think I saw how you pent it up inside? I could always tell, whether I was going out for, ostensibly, a stroll, or taking an unnecessary afternoon nap, I could tell that you were frustrated, that you wanted to break down after your day of work. That you were dying for a rest instead of the pile of house chores for your pains. You always saw through me. You always knew that I was just avoiding work, and yet, you kept mum.

It hurts. Maybe that’s why you do it – it hurts more than any yelling could, or maybe you just knew that old habits die hard, and even if you did say a word, I wouldn’t change my ways.

Every night I’d sob myself to sleep, scolding myself, tearing myself apart, when the real one who should’ve been crying was you. You are so strong. You bore all. I never lifted a finger, and I was so, so weak.

Remember the toys you bought me when I was little, the pretty little teddy bear, the one I lost? I've found it, in the drawer, under all the old photos.

If you see any tearstains there, I am sorry. I couldn’t help it, especially when I saw the pictures of Dad with us. I wish Dad were still here. It doesn’t change anything, does it? This pointless wishing? They never come true. We would still be living in luxury if they did. We would be happy, we would be together.

I’ve made a wreck of my life. Irreversibly. There is no starting over; no “Undo” button. That’s why I threw it away. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t undervalue life. I cherish it, but mine was beyond repair – there was no possible reforming for me.

It must’ve hurt to bring me into this world, but I hope it hurts less still to see me out. Grant me a few things, will you? Please. A few whims of a worthless daughterp, donate my organs (if they are still whole), sell everything of mine that can’t be used by Joanna, Daniel, Suzy or Angela, and keep my savings, which I had put under my bed sheets.

And lastly: Be happy, because, though I didn’t show it, I love you.



Felicity.

Overall: Even though this was written fairly well I can't help but feel that you should've elaborated a bit more on Felicity's personal pain, she kept talking of her mother, and I'm sure anyone who have committed suicide haven't done it soley to help their parent(s) out in a way, she must've felt depressed with herself also.

OMG that was so touching I nearly started to crie now I'm nervous about posting I hope I can At least come close to this.

That was good. It was oddly original and very interesting. Here's a suggestion though....

You don’t need an irresponsible girl who fails in almost all everything. You don’t need a wheelchair-confined girl who either can’t or won’t do the merest task to help you. You don’t need a self-pitying girl who can’t draw, or sing, or even play to save her life. You don’t need me. I saw that.

I think you should reverse those two words. Good job!

It is a beautiful story

you ahev grasp the mood of the story by doing excellent descriptions of teh character.

though the description of teh actual character was a bit incomplete, it was still enough when you mentioned that she was ina wheel chair.

that was enough and in some way it works

overall, i like the story. there is the mood which is sad and despressing and a hint of hopelessness, and how you fully describe the story.

i do love sad stories and you ahev portrayed it well.

Oh my , I almost cried. I hope your not planing on killing yourself , that would be talent gone to waist.

Wow. That was really touching. Though you did not really emphasize Felicity's depression that led her to kill herself, it was good work. It needs some revising...but so far, good work. I felt like crying.

Keep it up, and keep writing.

Whoa! Review influx!

Kiki: I decided to keep all the sentences in past tense. Thanks for pointing out the extremely embarassing "all" - I forgot to erase that!
Writerbabe: Relax. You are on a writer's site after all. Even if what you post isn't good, we'll [s]rip it apart[/s] critique it for you, so don't worry too much. You'll improve in time.
music: Thanks!
foxfire: I wanted to make her as useless as possible - you know, the kind who can't do some things and thinks she can't do anything.
EmmaJ: Nope, not anymore.
Lil_Pau: You wanted to cry? This sounds so wrong, but yay!

Also, I didn't elaborate on the other depressing parts of her life because it had nothing to do with her mother. It would be weird if she did mention them, don'cha think?

Thanks for all the reviews, they really buoyed me up! I've been feeling a little down - life's too hectic at the moment.

Cheers,
Lily.

This actually brought tears to my eyes. Really moving.

It’s not your fault, I want – no, need you to know that. It’s completely mine. The blame rests wholly on my shoulders, for not telling you, for not being a better daughter than I was. I guess I felt it was time to take matters into my own hands, time to relieve you of the burden dumped on you fourteen years ago. I hope you’ll be happier now, seeing as that’s one less mouth to feed. It’s hard to raise ten children on a single, meagre salary, isn’t it?

The first thing that struck me about this is how descriptive and well-worded it is. When someone writes a suicide note, they normally try to make it as emotionless as possible, thinking that they don't want to hurt whoever it's addressed to (unless that person is the reason they're killing his or herself). They also try to sound very self-assured.

You don’t need me. I saw that.

The little parts like this make all the difference. The above was very true to life and somehow simple in...well, how sympathizing it makes the reader. This was about when the tears started to come, actually. :]

whether I was going out for, ostensibly, a stroll,

As I mentioned earlier, someone who is suicidal wouldn't use words like "ostensibly." :]

Remember the toys you bought me when I was little? Remember the pretty little teddy bear, the one I lost? I found it. It was in the drawer, under all the old photos.

This was to me the best part of the piece. So sad.

All in all, this was an awesome piece that needs very little work. :] A gold star for you!