Coins

Okay; I have no idea what this is. I usually write rambles set in the 1800's and I never write this sort of stuff. I have no idea of the plot or what is going to happen. This came to me, actually, it's the first piece of writing that has naturally flown through me in a long time. I'm not sure if I'm going to pursue it, but I just want opinions. I've found out one thing about myself, and that is....not to plan. I cannot plan. I have been in a huge depression for ages because of stupid planning. So..rip it to pieces and tell me of how terrible it is. Ta I remain forever yours <couldn't help myself This is very different from my usual stuff, I am stuck in olden day worlds that have long been forgotten by most people. One thing I know, John, whoever he is, isn't mad. The voices are those that we have, the voices of our characters, creations etc.




Her mother told her to search for the silvers and the coins and the notes. Coppers, she said, were useless.



John; who are you John? Who? Let the words resound in your ears. Feel them echo around the room. See, see that line up there? The line spiralling up the back of the wall? Cracking and splitting? Do you see it, John?



Words weren’t like people. Her mother’d told her that a long time ago. Words, she said, were different. Words were what she wanted them to be. Words were there for her.



It was October he started hearing the voices. Or maybe, maybe it was November. He couldn’t quite remember. But it was dark, he recalled. The darkness enveloped him. He liked to think of it as a flame. The darkness, that is. The eternal flame of darkness would lick him to sleep.



He liked that. He liked to sit in shadows and merge into other people. He liked the dark, that at least, he knew. In the dark his soul would seep through his skin and bask in the moonlight.



He didn’t care for reality, of that he was sure. He took to dreaming, and wishing upon non existent dandelions.



He cared not for the nice days, for the sun and the blue sky were not his calling, he should feel rather more himself on the dreary days, fragments of the partially eclipsed moonlight visible between brick houses. On the nice days, the world was perfect and he didn’t want anything more. It was the dreary days, the dark and the damp that inspired him. The voices were clearer in the dark, he could hear them better.



The voices liked questions. They were all questions and no answers.

This was good. For something that just came to you and that you didn't really think about. The one thing I want to know is are the voices he heard italicized or just typed because at the beginning it confused me. I want you to write more, so I can know who the 'her' at the beginning is and why she was looking for money(maybe). I also want to know more about John, what happened that caused he to start hearing voices. Write more and PM me if you have any questions or just want me to read something. Good luck.
~peanut~

there isnt much to say about this piece, it doesnt go anywhere yet....
that definatly need fixeing, but i think you have a good start.. you do know where you are going with it, yes?

"words are not like people... words were what she wanted them to be, words were there for her"

I like that idea,
words are not people, but they are alive, in a way, they have their own soul, there own voice,

voices, like schizophrenia? nice one, pull the insanity card... hmmm,
the piece itself is really good, but a bit scattered, the beginning doesnt yet fit with the rest of it, but that can be fixed easily in the future, by addinf more explanation laterin the story, or by adding something between what you already have.

Aw, thankyou so much for the reviews The her is someone totally different, but I'm not sure who yes, it is very confusing, thanks for the reviews xD

This was intriguing and I'd like to see where it goes, but as is, there is really no point to it and it sort of doesn't make any sense. I liked the idea, don't get me wrong, but because there's nothing more to it, it sort of falls flat.

I'd really recommend changing the title to this. Admitting in the title that you have no idea where this is going, but still posting it is really not the way to go. If you want to, put that in your description, but give your work a better title. It deserves better, plus draws in more readers than an admission of inferiority. And the admissions of inferiority can be really irritating if they are either 1) untrue (the author is amazingly awesome, but putting his or her self down for sympathy) or 2) definitely warranted, but the author isn't doing anything to make it better. This, short and disjointed as it is, is really well-written and intriguing. Definitely deserves a better title.

Keep on writing! I'd love to see where this goes!

~GryphonFledgling

Aw, thanks so much for the review Gryphon, you rock. xD
Hehehe i couldn't think of a title I shall change it tomorrow but right now I really need to sleep.

Okay; I need to know whether to continue this as a novel or not. Can I have some opinions? Personally, I don't really like this piece, but then I happen to be terrible at judging things.
So should I or shouldn't I?
xoxo

wow you're 13? potential potential potential




I think this has capacity to be something really interesting, but if you don't like it, don't write it. Working on things you don't like won't end well.

wow you're 13? potential potential potential

Aw, thankyou so much Scribbling, you have no idea how much that made my day. xD

Hey, as requested.

It's hard to comment on this piece, mostly because it's not really a story -- it's just an introduction without the middle or the climax. It's pretty hard to judge the character, and I can't really comment on the plot.

I'm also not sure whether pointing out grammar and sentence things will help. What I will say is that you repeat a small idea in a lot of sentences. Brevity can be important in fiction -- conveying your idea in short time, rather than stretching it over many paragraphs. What we have here is a 400-word piece that could easily have been done -- better -- in 100 words.

For example:

It was October he started hearing the voices. Or maybe, maybe it was November. He couldn’t quite remember. But it was dark, he recalled. The darkness enveloped him. He liked to think of it as a flame. The darkness, that is. The eternal flame of darkness would lick him to sleep.

Could easily be cut down to:

He couldn't quite remember whether it was October or November he started hearing the voices. But he recalled it was full of a darkness that enveloped him like a flame, licking him to sleep.

Not necessarily a great example, but a quick snapshot to show how you cut down unnecessary sentences.

Yeah, so watch your longevity. It can ruin the flow of prose.

Good luck if you decide to do anything more with this!

I really enjoyed this piece, but it didn't feel like one piece – it felt like two very different ones. I looooooved your opener, but then you just dropped it and left me hanging. Which confused me. You asked if you should continue it (which you should never do – if you enjoy it, write it), but if you do I'd make it two stories. It can be the same book, but at least change chapters when you switch styles so dramatically. Don't start something and then don't finish it – you'll leave your readers confused.

I also agree with Fire. You have a lot of unnecessary words in there. It seems like you were trying a little too hard to capture this man's voice.

John; who are you John? Who? Let the words resound in your ears. Feel them echo around the room. See, see that line up there? The line spiralling up the back of the wall? Cracking and splitting? Do you see it, John?

Except for the extra 'see' in there, this is a wonderful paragraph. It repeats, but it's done so tastefully. But here…

It was October he started hearing the voices. Or maybe, maybe it was November. He couldn’t quite remember. But it was dark, he recalled. The darkness enveloped him. He liked to think of it as a flame. The darkness, that is. The eternal flame of darkness would lick him to sleep.

There you repeated too much, as Fire pointed out.

However, you don't need to shorten it quite as much as he suggested if you don't want to. It would work fine for your piece, but it looks to me like you want a rambling, thoughtful character. If that is the case, just trim some of the fat. Ditch 'the darkness, that it'. Don't repeat 'maybe'. Tidy it up a bit.

I did really enjoy this, I just want a more seemless connection between the two voices, and I want a real story – where's the plot? Problem? Climax? Conclusion? All we have here is an introduction.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Thankyou Fire and Jfw, you both helped me. xD
Fire - Jfw was right when she said it was meant to be a rambling narrative, she was right. Thanks for the comments though, I do need to cut down some of it.

Jfw-

I looooooved your opener, but then you just dropped it and left me hanging

hheheheheh, thanks, I'm not sure what's going to come out of this story, but I'm definitely going into that little girl, whoever she is. Im going to develop her too, so she'll be some sort of philosophical voice, coming over the narrative, then I'll have chapters of her with scraps of the man. If ya get that? Confusing much
Thankyou both for the reviews
~Kirsten
xoxo

Nice to meet you, Lost_in_dreamland! I saw your story and it looked interesting! This is my first review, so I hope I do this properly...


People have already commented on the extra 'see' in your first non-italicized paragraph, and the unnecessary details of the paragraph about October and November.

I loved the italicized part, I thought it added more depth and interest to the story. But, who is this 'her?' A split personality of some kind, or just another main character? If you were to continue this story, I would recommend keeping both views, but finding a way so that they flow more naturally into one another.

Words weren’t like people. Her mother’d told her that a long time ago. Words, she said, were different. Words were what she wanted them to be. Words were there for her.

I liked this. It implies the whole magic of the spoken and written word. I didn't understand the last sentence, however. I'm not sure whether you mean that she could use words to analyze and express feelings and emotions, or if you mean that she was talented to use words as knives and hurt others or defend her actions.

and bask in the moonlight

I didn't like the use of the word bask; to me it seemed childish.

He didn’t care for reality, of that he was sure. He took to dreaming, and wishing upon non existent dandelions

The first line helps to define your character. I love the second line. I found the concept of 'wishing upon non existent dandelions' extremely lyrical and profound. Wishes involve hope, and dandelions are beautiful, yet they are weeds. To me, it means that your character has a hope for an impossible future, one that looks glamorous and promising, but will actually be filled with failures, broken dreams, and misunderstandings. (Tell me if I misinterpreted the lines; I would love to know the intended meaning).

He cared not for the nice days

This is more a matter of opinion, but I absolutely hate the word 'nice.' It seems too common and I don't think it fits in well with the rest of the piece. However, it doesn't really matter if you change it or not.

he should feel rather more himself on the dreary days, fragments of the partially eclipsed moonlight visible between brick houses

Incredible.

It was the dreary days, the dark and the damp that inspired him. The voices were clearer in the dark, he could hear them better.


The voices liked questions. They were all questions and no answers.

I think that this is an excellent ending. Very mysterious and vague, but it makes the reader want to find out more. This piece would make an excellent prologue.


Overall Thoughts:

I think that there is a lot of hidden meaning in this story. The two split views (italicized and non-italicized) could be useful to help progress your story and foreshadow, but you would have to work on them more so that they flowed better, and create a story for the 'her' of the italicized part. As for whether you will continue this story or not, it's up to you. Once again, this piece would make a very gripping prologue. I think that it has a lot of potential, and if written right, could make an amazing read.

Hi, Kirsten! Here as requested.

I don't think I should do a line by line as there aren't really any grammar/spelling mistakes or phrasing issues. I must say, I really enjoyed reading it. It was very meaningful and perceptive, as always with your work, philosophy plays a big part in it. I think sometimes the abstractness could have been replaced more with concrete images, but you balanced it out very well most of the time. Sometimes we were looking for something a bit more tangible, but as I said above, it was pretty balanced in this piece most of the time. Abstract works in this, anyway. A lot of the description was lovely, too, and there was a nice metric flow to this, for some reason. Reminded me of Shakespeare's iambic pentameter, though of course it was nothing like it.

I am a very strong believer that you need to expand on this, however. The two storylines break off too suddenly, so I would spend a whole, long chapter just focusing on the girl, then the next focusing on the man. Or if you want to do two points of view, at least maybe allow a few full-length paragraphs for each character. Imagine how brilliant that would be, because then we would really get to know your characters and get a proper introduction. At the moment it feels like we're getting snatches of their lives and introductions into their personalities, but then we're suddenly getting torn away. So yeah, it would be wonderful if you could expand, and I would love you forever if you would, because a) it would extend the piece and improve it in leaps and bounds and b) I would love to see more of these characters, as we got a lot about the man, but barely anything of the girl. If you want to keep the man in, I'd get rid/expand on the girl's sentence.

Okay, sorry this isn't as long as usual. I know the above paragraph sounded harsh but that's only because this piece is so original, not to mention great, that you should really allow it to blossom to its full potential. Lol, how corny did that sound. xDDD Anyway, good luck with this and thanks for the read!

-Sarah