She would lay awake, in the new place, covered with a dirty comforter. Bothered by the sounds of honking car alarms, speeding motorcycles, and young Spanish voices coming up from the street outside of what was now her home. Three in the morning and the city was not asleep and neither was she. The room, small, with the full sized cot dominating the space. She counted the square tiles on the ceiling and wondered what her family would be doing. They were probably sleeping, in there nice beds with clean sheets, listing to crickets. Never any traffic by her house down at the end of the old cull de sac. Always silence to fall asleep to. She listened to the city as homesickness over came her.
Hi, Caroline.
I'm sure there's no rule on it, but don't you think it's a bit daft to post such a small piece? Is there nothing more to it? Or is it unfinished?
I don't mean to be condescending, or anything. For itself, it is well written. Very well. That it why I would like to read more. No nitpicks to be made.
See why I feel a bit useless? Nothing to say but "well done"!
If there is more, btw, you could just edit and add.
"in there nice beds with clean sheets, listing to crickets"
should be "their" and "listening"
I'd also think about writing in complete sentences. I like fragments (I think they're kind of whimsy and poetic, but that's irrelevant). But i think you overdid it a little, so it sounds more like a poem than a short story.
Other than that, it was pretty good. It definitely could be longer. Add more description or explanation as to why she's there/why her family isn't.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
-Michael Pritchard
I was wondering if you were just posting this on it's own or if it was the opening to something much longer?
If it's just on it's own then i definatly think you could expand on this with all the points that nickelodeon mentioned. It definatly makes me want to know more anyway!
The only thing I noticed which wasn't mentioned was:
Never any traffic by her house
Consider perhaps making it 'There was' or something. I think the sentence how it is breaks the flow and makes it sound as if you missed off the start of the sentence.
But aside from that I liked it. It definatly sparked my interest and made me want to read more! Well done
Sofi
'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
T.W.
Nothing to say but "well done"!
