Coming Home

This user has been banned and her works removed from YWS.

This is heartbreaking. Your writing was wonderful. Your best paragraph was the one starting with 'It's a lovely day out there.' In there was beautiful description and good explanation of Nana.

Nana meant a lot to you; you can tell this just by reading it. You were brilliant at showing how heartbroken you were when talking to her in the hospital or nursing home or wherever she was.

The only thing that I didn't like was this line:

Farris is hot on my heels.

It breaks the mood that is going on, making it sound like a chase scene.

Everything else was good. Especially the conversation between Nana and the main character. Well done.

Gold star!

I liked this, especially in the beginning. I thought the second bit broke the mood a bit, but it was so good.

I can't say a lot about your writing. It was heartfelt and emotional, but not particularly descriptive. I would have liked to see the room you were in, and I couldn't. It was just blank, and that was quite annoying. But apart from that, you conveyed the emotion the characters felt very well, and I could almost feel it myself.

I know then that she’ll never be coming home.

I don't like this. 'm sure you can come up with something better, because it really breaks the mood and I had trouble reading it. Not like, I couldn't make out what the words were, but my brain didn't seem to like them, and were trying to see something that wasn't there.



Overall, great job. A bit more description and a new last line, and this would be perfect.

Okay, thanks both of you.

GML: Thank you for your critique. I'm glad I portrayed the emotion without getting too clouded to write with clarity. I will probably lose that sentence you don't like - I agree that it's not right for the mood of the text.


chocoholic: Thank you, too. I see what you mean about the description - I always get far too carried away with the characters and the dialogue.
You don't like the second part, where Sophie finds out her Nana's dead, but I really can't rid of that bit because it is the most important part, to me. The death is supposed to be the climax, it means a lot to me. But fair dos.

Hello again, Lauren!

I decided to pick a random literature piece to review and this was it.

Her hand trembles under mine, like I am a monster.

Hmm, I think it would read better if you changed it to "Her hand trembles under mine, like I was some kind of a monster." I'm not quite sure about the comma, whether it's supposed to be or not.

‘I just want to go home, Sophie.’

She always says she wants to go home.

I'm not very into the repetition here. What if it was "She always says that" or "That's what she always says"? Or something like that.


You've written this well. I think you should delete the dialogue from the last paragraph; that way it would be more effective, at least to me. But the description is good, and I'm glad I happened to pick this certain text. Good job!

See you around,

Demeter xx

Thank you, Demeter. Nice to see you again.
The more times I read this, I see further weakness it in. I'm glad that you liked it... but it's wierd when you dislike your own creation, isn't it?

Just a few little nitpicks:

I know she wishes to be at there,

Perhaps it should be 'she wishes to be out there?'

a threadbare armchair, with bare legs

Just a small thing, but maybe you could change one of the 'bare's to something else? It's just a little repetitive.

let’s not sadden ourselves.

This bit of dialogue seems a bit dated, I thought the person speaking was fairly young. If you think about actually saying something like this in conversation it seems a little odd, doesn't it?

Her attempt at conversation shrivels up in this toxic atmosphere

I think it will be more impacting if you removed the work 'up'.

Nana won’t eat her chocolate bar.

I could be wrong about this one, but I think 'Nana doesn't' sounds better.

Farris stands up and so do I.

Perhaps change to: 'Farris stands up, as do I.'

A sense of dread fills me, drowns me; I don’t know what is going on but I know it will be bad.

This end of this sentence is like an anti-climax because you used so many adjectives at the beginning that the word 'bad' doesn't seem as devastating as it should do. Perhaps instead change to 'but I know it can't be good news.' That's not much better, but I thinkk it does need to be changed in some way.

Mum sits at the table with her face pressed her into Dad’s chest.

I'm thinking it's a typo, but you should think about getting rid of the 2nd 'her'.

like a man knows trying to overcome tears.

I didn't understand this sentence, did you mean 'like a man who knows...', or just 'like a man

(sorry, I accidentally clicked 'ALT & S' so it sent before I'd finished!)

So, to continue:

I didn't understand this sentence, did you mean 'like a man who knows...', or just 'like a man trying to overcome tears'.


That's all! But, overall I really liked it! I enjoyed reading it and it reminded me of Alice Sebold's Almost Moon but with more heart and from a younger perspective. Congratulations on this fine piece of work!

lhighton wrote: it's weird when you dislike your own creation, isn't it?

Haha! No, I don't think so! I think we're our own worst critics and it's normal to dislike our own creations, remember that what sounds normal in your head probably isn't normal in other people's!

Thanks, Luvzi12, that was a super-considerate crit.
I see I've made a horrendous amount of typos - and yet I want to be a proof-reader when I'm older. Hmmph.

Quote:
let’s not sadden ourselves.


This bit of dialogue seems a bit dated, I thought the person speaking was fairly young. If you think about actually saying something like this in conversation it seems a little odd, doesn't it?

I suppose, but if I'm honest, that's how I sometimes speak, hehe. It stems from reading too many classics, methinks.

Thanks, thanks and thanks again. Hey, I think I've seen you about here before... did I crit you? If not, I soon will.

Good luck with wanting to be a proof reader! I want to be a literary critic, I always said from the age of three that I wanted to be a literary cricket haha, but it was just because I thought I could read a lot of books, but when I was about fifteen/sixteen I got really in literary theory, and now I'm studying English Literature at University and I think I want to be some kind of critic when I'm older, I know I have to read a lot more though! Over the last three years I've realised that I've kind of been slacking in the leisurely reading department, mainly because of my studies.

Anyway, I've filled up your page enough now! I'm going to go comment on the comment that you left me on my writing hehe! Thanks for that by the way! xxx