Old Woman's Words

This user has been banned and her works removed from YWS.

Wow. Just wow. I really felt this piece. Very depressing thoughts of this woman. I especially loved that description in the last paragraph starting with "Like a moth to the flame..."

I would say there are instances where there could be a bit more imagery, because you are good at capturing the mood. Other than that, this is wonderful. Gold star!

Hello there! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.

Indeed, little girls wearing adult clothing move about behind me, kept back by my slow, dithering pace. They make no sound, but I feel their glances, their faces of a joint experience, as well as I would feel a smouldering burn; there is a little superiority for them at my disadvantage.

This part lost me a bit. If people with fast paces were walking behind your narrator, why don't they just go around her? That makes more sense than this jargon about "their faces of a joint experience," which I have no idea what you're trying to say about that and something about a burn and superiority and whatnot. Logically speaking, this doesn't make a lot of sense.

Strange – I lost my power over others, but they have gained reign over me.

Again, this sentence lost me. Her power gained reign over your narrator? Or did other people gain reign over her?

Another day, another day, was always my life-motto.

That doesn't make terribly much sense either. Another day, another day? What does that show? It's just kind of repetitive right now. I'd either get rid of the second "another day" or find a different motto.

Eh... a nicely written piece, but personally, not my cup of tea. Basically just a long-winded inner monologue. I don't really enjoy that kind of thing, but some people might, so don't take it as an insult that I didn't like it. ^_^

Clearly, you're a talented writer. This piece is controlled very well, with good word choice and great imagery. I'd like to see your work in a different light, maybe in an actual story and less of a monologue. Well done.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate