We all fall down

Hmm, I am kind of mystified by this... What is supposed to be happening? I can see some very refreshing descriptions coming through, but it needs more clarity.... The other thing was that there are lots and lost of tense issues... You need to decide whether its in past or present tense, and then edit it.

PM me if you decide to revise this, because i think it looks very interesting.

Good luck!

Thanks canis!
I am going to revise this...*shifty eyes* but not right now 'cuz I'm sneaking on the computer...I'm still grounded. >.<

I enjoyed the imagery, and there were a few sentences that resonated well:

We would fall in slow motion, at first, and see the beautiful stars and the craggy stone in the few heartbeats that time had frozen.

the wingbeats of glass angels rippled through the passageway of memory

The surreal, reminiscent mood were effectively conveyed.

I too am somewhat confused as to the meaning of this piece...though that doesn't necessarily mean that it's not there or not apparent to a keener eye, but double-check to make sure that it is indeed conveyed, and that a reader who has only the words of the piece can glint it from them.

I'm also confused by the visual structure of the piece. You may want to double-space between paragraphs for clarity, or indent the start of new ones, because I find it difficult to see where one ends and another begins. Also consider why you make new paragraphs where you do. Perhaps you can make the entire piece a single paragraph.

Green trees white snow red blood!

While this juxtaposition of adjectives is creative, the exclamation point kills the line. This entire line could probably be deleted--the adjectives are weak and it interrupts the flow, and it doesn't seem to have a function other than to startle the reader.

Though perhaps intentional, it is confusing, in any piece of writing, to shift your tense sporadically like you do here. I suggest keeping the imperfect tense (when you use "would" as "used to"--anybody correct me if I'm wrong), past tense ("he walked"), or present tense ("he walks").

The following excerpts see the tense changing to present:

until all we see is a wilderness of bronze and ash.

blanket of snow silence flutters down over ours ears

just an empty void where the crucifix crushes our chest

And yet we are not dead.

Still, unmoving we may be, yet somewhere

Thanks!
The piece is meant to be vague, but I'll definitely fix the tenses. *smacks head* How could I have made so many stupid mistakes?

While this juxtaposition of adjectives is creative, the exclamation point kills the line. This entire line could probably be deleted--the adjectives are weak and it interrupts the flow, and it doesn't seem to have a function other than to startle the reader.

I will remove the exclamation point, but I want to keep the line. But do you think it would be better if I used more interesting adjectives to describe the tress, the snow and the blood? Hhmmm....

Anyways, thanks for the crit! Now *evil laughter* I will go review something of yours!

There is some very interesting imagery here. I'd like it to have less vagueness, even though it is supposed to be like this.

I think if you use more interesting adjectives, that like of "Green Trees White Snow Red Blood!" will be better. Or perhaps expand that line into one for each picture?

Also, last sentance I believe should be 'lie', not 'life'? I think everyone else has covered most everything.

Thanks!
Wow, my little 'ole piece is getting tons of review today!
And oh yeah...I probably should change it to 'lie'. Lol.

Ok, I edited this a little.

I've fixed the tense issues, but I've decided to keep the 'green trees white snow red blood!' line the way it is because it reflects the 'lightning strike of colour'. Vous savvy?

Cheers,
Camille

Mmm... I'm not sure what to say. I guess it's good--no, probably great--for what it is, but what it is just... isn't my cup of tea. Did that make any sense?

I'll clarify: I understand that your goal was to write something that is vague (possibly meaningful) and beautifully written. Well, it is all those things (except, perhaps, the second... but that might just be me) and you did them well. I'm just not sure I liked what you were going for.

But that's me, not you. I think (as, apparently, does The Morrow) that you could use to define the message more. I mean, it seemed like more of an exercise for description than a work of art. But don't take that too harshly!

Ayra wrote:Green trees white snow red blood!

I think what's wrong with this sentence is that there isn't punctuation. Maybe put in commas? Dashes? Something.

Also, you should fix the format...

Overall: if that's what you were going for, good job! But it's not my favorite of what you've written.

Hope my ramble helps a tad...

~Azila~

Im not one of those people who go around editing for people. and i sometimes piss people off because i am so candid about what i think, no offense. okay overall imagery is good, but could be improved by explaining what is going on. Are they climbing a cliff on a shore? who is we? a bit of conclusion there about what is going on.

Thanks for the review! =)
Its supposed to be vague, though. But I might explain a tiny bit....

Ah i see. i think you should develope an adition to this. its a great leed. you could probly branch any number of differently themed stories off of this. very open ended

Ah i see. i think you should develope an adition to this. its a great leed. you could probly branch any number of differently themed stories off of this. very open ended

Hey Ayra,
This was really good, don't get me wrong, but like the other people who reviewed this, I'm a bit confused. I think I get it, but most people wouldn't really understand the meaning of this. I love your beginning, I think it's gorgeous. But the rest kind of lost me. This would be great if you incorperated this into some kind of story.

Right now, there aren't any characters that I care for, there isn't really a clear plot that I could see, and it just seems like a random kind of thing.

I know you said that you were trying to be vague, but, you should explain a leeetle bit more. People like me don't like to be left hanging!

Otherwise, it's a good start and it got me thinking.

Nariel

Thanks everyone!
Maybe I should get this moved to Other Fiction, though, because its flash fiction. But I am considering incorporating this into a large story...if that is the case, then I'll develop my characters more and all that. :}

Actually, I might add a teensy bit of characterization into this! 'Twill be fun. I'll see what I can do.

Any ways, thanks for the advice! The edit will be up shortly!

- Camille