It seems cliche to me; that is, I've read something like this or close to this a million times before. You need to update it, and it's always better to show rather than tell.
You also need to go through this and edit it thoroughly. For instance, " their pathetic souls will
look up to me and beg, "Save us," and I will whisper back, "No."," sounds way too awkward and too slapped together. Getting rid of the last part (and I will whisper...) might fix the problem.
The symbolism and metaphors need to be downplayed; it's good to have them, but you can't slap them all together in a piece of flash fiction that is less than 500 words. Indeed, if the latter is what you are striving for, then you need to make this a lot simpler. Right now, the piece does not rest by itself as it needs more, lots more.
However, as a character sketch, this is well done, and it would be very useful material for a well-developed story. But, as a story, this falters. It's too much and too little at the same time.
Heehee. It was actually written in my Post-Apocalyptic Narratives course, when we were analyzing The Watchmen (hence the title, "Who watches the watchmen?") and had to do a character summary of Rorschach. But I kind of altered that to make it a little more suitable.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
I'll admit the two turtle doves are growing on me, but there are ten birds in this house already and we both know geese are feathered bioweapons of mass destruction. — Silvern
