Attempt to kill Writer Block

They lead you to believe the system perfect, nothing wrong with it. Once a long time ago it seems... I believed that, but it not perfect because they used me to achieve their goals. They fucked me till i was penniless. I once ran the second biggest company in the world we had branches in Sydney, London and Hong Kong ect. My name Norman Luis, once proud owner of Zeus Enterprises. A company who made made computer software and hardware. We were planning a take over of Microsoft...

Well I'll begin from the start to show you me in all my glory not now a penniless bum on the street begging for money just to so i can survive.

I was a rich, arrogant man. I only cared about what I could spend my money on. I had everything: money, expensive holidays, boats, cars, and even planes; I was living the life style of the rich and famous. I also planned hostile takeovers of smaller, weaker companies. I had few friends but who needs friends when your rich. You hear the middle class complaining about us saying it not that great being rich man you just got to live like that for a while to know how great it is, waited on hand and foot, all your tedious jobs done by secretary. Yep I was living the high life.

I had no loyalty except to the company, i had several torrid love affairs to spice up my sex life. If your thinking my wife cared, no she was too busy in her own love affair. We were only husband and wife in words we only kissed in public to make a good pulic view of us. If anyone caught me and decided to put it in the press i get a law suit and earn billions making this person penniless and me richer.

It no surprise that i had many enemies, competitors call them what you will I didn't care i was rich.

I think it has potential. Just try not to make it too cliche'. The whole taking over Microsoft thing could be pretty entertaining. I say go for it and see what happens. You can always scrap it later but it may turn out really well.

I like it an interesting idea.

It seems pretty average at the moment: rich guy not interested in his wife, loaded with money and loyalty to his company.

Think about how you could make it different from another story of similar quality. I like the idea of taking over Microsoft, was that something to do with what you said in your blog? Was it the Microsoft takeover that ruined Norman?

As a beginning it doesn’t really clarify much. Right now it looks like a short summary of things to come. Expand the idea and draw the reader in, don’t simply expect the reader to believe what Norman says. Give an example to his wealth, what kind of a suit did he wear? Something you may need to think about.

-- Myth

You seem to have left out quite a few words and letters. I think you should try reading this aloud to yourself, it might help you find them. Also, anywhere you pause, add a comma and see how it works.

Zeus Enterprises is a pretty cool name for a company.


It's etc, not ect, because it stands for etcetera.

I had few friends but who needs friends when your rich.

If your thinking my wife cared, no she was too busy in her own love affair.

Since it's a contraction for you are, your should be you're.


This is an interesting concept, but I feel like I've heard it before. It would be cool if you could tell the same story in a new, interesting way. I'd like to SEE this guy doing all the things he did, not just hear about them. Also, you need to make me care why he's a bum right now, and when you're telling it in a "This happened, and this happened" format, I'm really not all that curious.

It's a good start, though, it just needs a little revision. Keep writing!

They lead you to believe the system perfect,

add an “S” into system.

but it not perfect

maybe “it’S”

second biggest company in the world we had branches in Sydney,

a full stop between “world” and “we”

My name Norman Luis

“my name IS”!

A company who made made computer software

you said “made” twice.

And this is on;y in the first paragraph. Sieg, this is ridiculous. You may have written this a long time ago, but no new people are going to want to read it if there are so many mistakes! Just read over it once and undo the mistakes. It’s easier than you think!

Actually, that’s a very good start to a story. But only a beginning. There are plenty of mistakes, but I cannot be bothered to point them out for you!

Happy writing
Yours
BlackDove

Most of the errors I found have already been pointed out. I really like the idea, the whole taking over microsoft thing. However, This was full of grammatical errors, and it looked like you chopped this tocether in about three seconds. IT made it hard to read, and I can't even decide fully on whether I liked it or not, since only half of it made sence to me. Editing this from the grammar point of view would be worth your time, since if you don't care about keeping it correct, who's going to care about reading it?

I think this has a lot of potential; I really liked the take over of Microsoft. (*is a Mac user*)

However, I think you've got a few problems:
First is your title. If you were to, say, publish this in a magazine, would you call it "Attempt to Kill Writers Block"? No, probably not, because it has nothing to do with writers block, or even writers, from what I got from this. Give it an appropriate title as the thread title, and then the subhead can be "an attempt at ending writers block" or what-have-you.

Next is grammar, but I won't cover that. You can grammar edit for yourself, or find a beta reader. You might want to look at sites like this and this.

... and now onto the biggies: show vs. tell and cliché.

You've told us everything in this, but you haven't shown it to us. You should expand this; tell us about how he caught his wife doing the horizontal foxtrot with the butler on their private island near Bremuda when she thought he was on his private jet to a last-minute meeting with Bill Gates (or whatever). Isn't that more interesting than "I go on expensive hoidays, own a private jumbo jet and was planning on taking over Microsoft"? Or talk about how he skipped out his kid's birthday on his kids' birthdays to be at a ribbon cutting ceremony for their Hong Kong branch. That shows us how much loyalty he has to his company, and how little his family means to him. (Double bonus points if his kids are named Apollo and Artemis - two of Zeus' children!)

The other thing I want to say is watch out for clichés. The idea of the big, bad businessman is not a new one - nor is his ultimate downfall something that's never been covered before. I'm not saying not to do it, or to avoid clichés, but to watch out for them, and acknowledge them when you use them. Don't let them be a crutch, but don't go way out of your way to avoid them, either.

I liked the concept of the piece although I think you should be wary of the dreaded cliche. It was a little stagnate, in that you decribed everything but without detail, there was no emotional connection because you told us everything without showing.

*waves hands vaguely* terrible at explaining no?


I still liked it ^.^


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

An interesting idea. A bit cliche, but still interesting. If you continued with the part about taking over Microsoft, that would be good. You've got some spelling and grammar errors, but a quick proofread would fix that.

It's a good story idea, but not too promising as a part of a story/novel.

I'd read it if you made into a novel. It sounds actually quite interesting, though a little cliche.

But what about the society you mentioned in the first parahraph?