Writing Challenge 4/03 "A Simple Rebellion"

England, 19th century.

She ran along the windswept beach of silky sand and swollen sky, speckled with withering grass, the glassy blue water spurling in alongside her as she left footprints that she knew would soon be washed away with time. The mountains in front of her were dark and brooding, spurring the plot forming in her mind. The bloodred rubies her perilous suitor had given her were clenched in her fist, their lustre dull compared to what must have been only minutes ago, as she sat quietly in his candlelit parlor. The tall, verdant grass hit against her shins as she ran through it, in her knee-length white cotton dress with an intense rigor. She hated the man. Detested the very sight of him.But it wasn't her place to protest what her parents had put so much time and effort into preparing for her. A miserable marriage for the wealth of a lifetime. But her happiness was but a pittance.

The rubies fell from her hand to the ground, burying themselves into the sand, generating a new legend--hers.

She did not look back.

this sounds like a very interesting beginning. I'm interested in where you're going with it. I just have a few comments:

volleychik992 wrote:She ran along the windswept beach of silky sand and swollen sky.

This description sounds pretty, but I don't have a clue where she actually is. I can't tell if you're making some sort of metaphor about how the sky meets the earth, or if she's actually running on a beach. If she is actually running on the beach, than the "silky sands" and the "verdant grass" don't really mess in my mind and either you need to show her turning and running off the beach and into the grass or one of them needs to be removed.

volleychik922 wrote:The mountains in front of her were dark and brooding, meticulously spurring the plot forming in her mind.

The idea of the mountains stirring a plot in her mind = great. I like it a lot.

However, the idea of the mountains "meticulously" forming a plot in her mind, is a bit much. That implies that the mountains have thoughts and wills of thier own and are carefully, down to the last detail, deeding the throughs of rebellion into her mind. It's not entirely plausible. My suggestion would be to either drop the word "meticulously or take the whole phrase "meticulously spurring" and replace it with something like "inspiring".

volleychik922 wrote:The bloodred rubies he had given her were clenched in her fist, their lustre dull compared to the candlelight under which they had been recieved.

You need a space betwen "blood" and "red". Also, do the rubies have less lustre than the candlelight? Or did they have less lustre than they had had when first recieved under the candlelight?

volleychik922 wrote:The tall, verdant grass hit against her calves as she ran through it, in her white cotton dress.

When you say that something hits against someone's calves, I think of something hitting against the back of thier legs. It would seem more logical that the grass would be hitting her shins. Also, for hre to bee feeling the grass at all, her dress would have to be hiked up around her knees. I'm sort of assuming that she's doing that anyway, since she's running and the dresses in the 19th century would have been a bit long to run without doing that, but it would be nice if you didn't leave the reader to assume things.

volleychik922 wrote:She hated the man. Detested the very sight of him.

Whoa.. that's a little abrupt. We've never heard anything about this man before and suddenly you're bringing him up and telling us how much she hated him. It just seems a little sudden. I would suggest either guiding the reader's thoughts a little more by showing some sort of link between this landscape that you've been describing and the man or moving this to the very beginning. I would probably go with the latter myself, just because I think it would make a fairly effective opening to have the opening lines be "She hated the man, detested the very sight of him."

Besides that, all I can say is that I enjoyed reading this. You may want to consider having this moved to the Historical Fiction section (you may have more luck getting people to read it there). If you like, I can move it there, you just need to tell me to do it.

Nicely done and I look forward to seeing more of your work around the site.

First of all, thank you, THANK YOU for correcting it.

Let me explain myself on a few things:
There is grass on beaches. The reason I didn't just dive into the setting description is because there is a picture on the front page of this website of the setting I was describing a scene from, and I was focusing more onthe event rather then the exact details-- but I will correct it, and add a few mroe sentences to create a definite picture.

I also agree with you that meticulously was a bit too much.

About "bloodred"-- I added the two words together for effect. "Blood red" didn't seem like such an appealing word, and the spellcheck on my computer didn't even indicate that it was spelled wrong, so it may have been used in that way before.

The "Lustre dull compared with the candlelight" sentence completely flew under my radar. I'll correct that.

I didn't think about the whole shins vs. calves thing, but you're right-- and I will indicate that her dress is not at floor-length.

I'll move that sentence to the opening, too.

The reason that I put it here was because it was a writing challenge, and I wasn't sure where to put it, and I had seen other people had put theirs here. If my story can still be counted as "in the contest" on another board, yes, please, move it there (sorry, I'm new to this website and don't know how everything works yet).

I'll go edit my first post now.

Um... yeah. Apparently I'm a little late. ><

Still! Hopefully my comments will help you later on?

She ran along the windswept beach of silky sand and swollen sky, speckled with withering grass, the glassy blue water spurling in alongside her as she left footprints that she knew would soon be washed away with time.

This isn't quite a run-on sentence, but it's remarkably close. I would suggest breaking it up so it would look more like this:

"She ran along the windswept beach of silky sand and swollen sky, speckled with withering grass. The glassy blue water spurling in alongside her as she left footprints that she knew would soon be washed away with time."

Of course, that wouldn't be exactly how I'd write it. It does need a lot of editing. However, that's a start, and I'm sure you can tweak it from there. ^_^ I wouldn't want to spoil the wonderful creative process...

The mountains in front of her were dark and brooding, spurring the plot forming in her mind.

Plot? Hmmm...

I don't like that word used here, if only because it seems to wave to the readers, "Hey, this is a story! And she mentioned plot!" Don't ask. Maybe I'm imagining things. All I know is that I probably wouldn't use that word. Rebellion, perhaps, but not plot.

The bloodred rubies her perilous suitor had given her were clenched in her fist, their lustre dull compared to what must have been only minutes ago, as she sat quietly in his candlelit parlor.

How is her suitor perilous? Maybe you can expand the description of her suitor instead of having that word. It's a little hard for the reader to associate the word "perilous" with the suitor just because we don't know his character. At the moment, the ocean has a little bit more character than the suitor. That's not an insult... giving character to inanimate objects such as the ocean is something I would love to be able to do as well as you've done. Still, without any additional information about the suitor, we are left in the dark.

What does he look like? How does he dress? The main character doesn't like him... why not? Simple descriptions of the suitor would make her character a lot clearer and do wonders with this story. We love characters...

The tall, verdant grass hit against her shins as she ran through it, in her knee-length white cotton dress with an intense rigor.

What hits her dress with an intense rigor? You need to be a little more clear with this sentence.

She hated the man. Detested the very sight of him.But it wasn't her place to protest what her parents had put so much time and effort into preparing for her. A miserable marriage for the wealth of a lifetime. But her happiness was but a pittance.

Once more, why does she hate him? I would be able to symphasize with her much more if I knew that he was this greasy slimeball who only earned money by owning a bar full of loose women. You see what I mean? Desciptions would be wonderful here and at the other place. ^_^

The rubies fell from her hand to the ground, burying themselves into the sand, generating a new legend--hers.

She did not look back.

Ah... nice.

Anyway, a little late, but better late than never, right? ^______^;;