Holy

Scarlet claws run down the young boy’s neck, leaving a trail of red dripping down unto his chest. He shivers, paralysed in pain and pain. His eyes flick desperately through the room, his eyes wide and pleading.

“So fragile, delicate…”

A sudden movement, a scream, her face is covered in a spray of blood, and the body stiffens, then goes limp. It would be several minutes before rigormortis froze the child's broken legs in their awkward angles, but the boys eyes were already glassy with death.

“They break so easy, don’t you think, darling?”

The blood drips down the girl's face, over her lips, down her neck. Her mother's dripping fingers slip inside her mouth, filling it with a sweet coppery taste.

“It tastes good, doesn’t it?”

Slick hands leave red streaks in her daughters hair, painted red lips rest next to the girl’s ear, leaving scarlet smudges on her face.

“That is the taste of victory, Temari. Power. We have it, and they don’t. Remember that.”

Long scarlet claws drag over her neck, skimming over her throat again and again.

“You ruined my life, Temari,.” She said, "Staining my family's name with your father's impure blood..."

The woman's eyes, covered with a film of hysteria and insanity, sharpened.

"We're always alone, aren't we, darling?” She lay back, pulling her daughter with her. "You love me, don't you?" She whispered to herself, running her sharped nails along her childs scalp hard enough to draw blood. Her hair fanned out in a sticky halo around her head, slowly absorbing the blood creeping across the floor.

She looked like an angel.

~

Yes, this is changed from the original.

There are two other fics related to this. Failure, and Premonitions.

Criticism is enjoyed.

First off, since I see you're new here, welcome to the YWS! It's nice to see that you're jumping right into the literary forums.

I read this, and the first thing that hit me was that you never said "she said" or anything along those lines anywhere in this and yet it was still obvious who was talking. Excellent job there, I haven't seen many people that could pull that off.

The second thing that hit me was the repition of the word "blood". Specifically in this section:

Shirian Grey wrote:The blood dripped down the girls face, over her lips, down her neck. Her mothers bloody fingers slip inside her mouth, filling it with the sweet coppery taste of blood.

I'm not sure if it's possible to vary this a little more, but it seems just slightly too repetitive.

And lastly... here:

Shirian Grey wrote:Bloody hands leave red streaks in her daughters silver hair, painted red lips rest next to the girl’s ear, leaving scarlet smudges on her head.

The flow and word choice that you have going in this piece has a strange quiet elegance to it. The word "head" simply jumped out at me as I read through this and broke the mood. It just seemed slightly out of place and it didn't carry on the flow.

Other than that, you did an excellent job. That last line was extremely striking and made this piece stick out in my mind.

Thanks, I've tried to do some edits to fix those. Actually, in my first draft of this, i was overusing that word a lot more, but then i realized that i had gotten a weird blood fixation in m story, so i took most of them out. I must have overlooked those.

thanks for pointing those out.

First of all, I liked it. It has really good atmosphere, or something. And there is a lot of blood, but it's effective. Kind of chilling. So nice job.
But you said you like harsh critiques, so I'll give you all my little nitpicks. Just realize that I'm no expert and all of this is IMHO.

A sudden movement, a scream, her face is covered in a warm spray of coppery blood, and the corpse gurgles and goes limp.

“They break so easy, don’t you think, darling?”

The blood dripped down the girls face, over her lips, down her neck. Her mothers dripping fingers slip inside her mouth, filling it with a sweet coppery taste.

Should be 'easily', perhaps? I'm not entirely sure. And it's dialogue, so maybe it's a character tick, or whatever.
I'm pretty sure it should be 'girl's' and 'mother's'.
You use 'coppery' to describe the blood twice, once for color (I assume) and once for taste. It's a good word, but I think you should change one of them.
'gurgles' is also a good word.

“You ruined my life, Temari.” She finally whispered. “You’ll kill your father, then I’ll kill you. You’ll both be dead, and I’ll have my revenge.”
How did she ruin her life? That confuses me. The mom seems all loving in a very gruesome way, and then this. But granted it's only the very start of a story. Temari is an awesome name.

Years later, the girl, now a woman, orphan, and queen, stood above the cooling corpse of the scarlet concubine who was her mother, with her nails painted red with blood. But as her parent’s blood mixed on her hands, and their plots, manipulations, and dreams lay in ruins, Temari became her mother’s daughter.
I like this part, very well written. The only thing is it's hard to tell who's nails are painted red with blood, the girl's or the concubine's. But perhaps it doesn't really matter. This bit sounds like an end to a prologue, and it makes me want to see what happens next. So write some more!

Ah! hey! you reviewed! Yay!

yes, the "easy" is a character tick, but the mother is such a minor character that I wonder why I even bother. I'd change it, but I like it like that, so therefore I stubbornly refuse to take it out! Ha! take that!

just kidding.

Anyway, thanks for the other tips, i love brutal criticism, it makes me float on cloads of euphoria for hours (that and large amounts of ice cream).

Wow... I like this too. Its kind of haunting. The last line, like Dusky and BD said, really makes this different, and memorable. You seem to have changed it though... I'm not sure what I like better. The first way, Temari seems like a more thoughtful person..? This way, she you're not sure if she notices that she's the same as her mother.

My nitpick:

“You ruined my life, Temari.” She finally whispered. "Staining my families name with the blood of that animal..."

I think this should either be: “You ruined my life, Temari,” she finally whispered. or She finally whispered, "Staining my families name with the blood of that animal..."

This confused me too... What animal? (Family's?)


If there's more, I want to read it too!

the animal thing was supposed to be refering to the father, but obviously that wasn't apparent. The idea was that when he made Temari's mother pregnant, he tainted her families bloodline and (maybe, i dunno) reputation. I hope these are more aparent in the edited version, but if they're not please et me know.

The first thing I thought when I saw the rating was that it must be horribly gruesome or horribly inappropriate. Now that I've read it, I know it's bloody, but I can handle it and give ya' a critique (maybe attack you with grammar corrections...hopefully not).

Now I will be brutal! (that was convincing... )

I don't really want to talk about grammar, but I noticed that you change tense a lot between sentences. This can potentially cause some confusion, and it's just a grammar rule. Here is a good example because it's two right next to each other.

The blood dripped down the girl's face, over her lips, down her neck. Her mother's dripping fingers slip inside her mouth, filling it with a sweet coppery taste.

Do you see how the first sentence is in past and the second in present? That doesn't make sense. You need to make it all one or the other.

“They’re like insects, these humans. Always living their pathetic lives as the pawns of someone else.”

This could be chilling. Really. The thing that's holding it back is that the metaphors don't quite flow together. She's saying that humans are like insects because they are 'pawns of someone else', rather than that they are 'fragile and delicate.' (<--maybe it is just an issue of the order. switch fragile/delicate to be with insects?)

Um...if you look there are a lot of repetitions of words in close proximity. Blood, throat...Just look for some and try to find substitutes, or if you can delete some of them. Like (this just popped out at me):

The fingers drift down from her hair until they are on her neck, long scarlet claws drag over her throat, skimming over her throat again and again.

You could cut out one of the 'throats' :"...long scarlet claws dragging, skimming over her throat again and again." This is just an example of a way to get rid of those repetitious words.

Do you know what really made this disturbing, for me? It wasn't so much the blood, but the interaction between the mother/Temari. Always, it was the mother speaking. You didn't need 'she said'. It was like Temari had no mind of her own, not human, no real intelligence...and her mother intends to use her as a puppet; she reminded me of a baby bird being fed...only it was more sinister. I'm not quite sure how to explain that. Jenna mentioned something about this being changed, that Temari seemed more thoughtful, so I don't know if you intended for her to seem so empty, devoid, animalistic...(searching for a word). Because then, it comes as a jolt that Temari wasn't so easily led.

I read the failure, and I really liked the style on that. We both have problems focusing. I hope you can find a way to pull all your ideas together for this. It would turn out.

~Jacquie~

ah, thanks for the advice, i didn't even realize that i was ixing tenses... oh well, i haven't written in a whle, I'll blame it on my skill getting rusty. Also thanks, a few people have mentioned the repetition, ive just been too lazy to really go through the whole document and edit it until now. I know. Im sad.

Seriously though, I don't get how this version makes her seem thoughtful, if anyone knows, could you tell me? I'd like to take it out, the idea is her mother kind of builds everything that she is, but in doing so, makes something that betrays her. except maybe not like that. grr..... still deciding...

oh yeah, you said her silence made it like she wasn't human, well she isn't. I write fantasy. This just isn't very fantasy-like, so i put it in other.

whatever. thanks anyways.

Seriously though, I don't get how this version makes her seem thoughtful

Erg...Sorry, I wasn't clear. I meant someone said she seemed more thoughtful in the first version. I didn't see the first version, but she definately does NOT seem thoughtful in this one.

I know she isn't human, so the silence seemed to emphasize that. When i said that, I meant that it seemed like she was devoid of any kind of intellect. Whereas her mother seemed superior to human intelligence, Temari seemed subhuman...more animalistic or barbaric. The one-sided conversation added to that (there are no reactions from Temari), and the influence of her mother (that led to her destruction.) But...*sigh* I'm frustrated that I can't communicate clearly! I'm sorry if I've annoyed you.

nah, im not annoyed, but its weird when i write something hoping to get a few effects and suddenly acquire several more. kind of confusing, but thanks for pointing those out. The idea was actually kind of that she was only what her mother made her, so, while she was young, she would seem a little, um... undeveloped, unrefined, or something, but as she ages and after her mother dies (the last part of my story failure) she gets she kind of assumes the moms position outside (or above) humanity. kind of "becoming her mothers daughter".

and the corpse gurgles and goes limp.

If it's a corpse... how can it gurgle?

Chilling though, grand, I don't care if I'm not 16 or another, nobody in this lifetime enforces these restrictions... besides, I am older than 16... somehow...

Lovely piece of work. *has nightmares*

Sorry, im not especially brutal.

this is pretty awesome, but SHORT. i see lots of stories like this: fascinating,well-written, vivid images, intruiging characters, and all that good stuff, but little discernable plot. basically great writing that needs a strong plot to support the writing.

but like i said, this rocks. it's disturbing in a good way; gave me shivers. lots of great gory juicy detail. its so good, and i think it has the potential to be more. i would love to see you expand it.you have me hungry for more, so i'll go read your other one.

cheers!!
RG

that was awsome, a little more description on what the girl was would be nice, it was also a little too short for my liking; it could have been turned into a good long novel or book or somthing.

GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR THE LAST TIME ALREADY, (takes deep breath) THIS IS A LITTLE STORY. AS IN NO CHAPTERS. AS IN NO NEED FOR PLOT.

NO. NEED. FOR. PLOT.

NO PLOT.

Getting it now?

This is part of a bigger story I'm writing, and I'm just writing these little things to get a feel for the characters. Therefore...

NO PLOT.