Young Writers Society

Hell.


As the bullet penetrated my skull I felt , not fear nor pain but loss . Suddenly all I knew of my world was ripped away from me , everything I treasured and held dear was robbed… the pillow fights with my brother , stormy nights with the rain hammering against my window and me tucked in my warm bed , the overwhelming rush of joy when I held her hand… gone

For I few seconds I was conscious , but with a three¬- inch bullet in my head I fell but I didn’t feel the expected thud of my body colliding with the floor , I was puzzled for a moment but then I realized that I had fallen through the floor and I was now tumbling through silent darkness so dense that I could almost feel it rub against my skin .
And in those few moments of unbreakable silence , I felt more alone than I ever have before.

I felt my arms and legs flailing uncontrollably as the wind rippled around my body , I was moving . I tried to open my eyes but the wind made them water beyond sight then without any warning , thud!.

I lay there for nine days , unconscious , dreaming about my life , about my hamster , and the milk man , and how we used to love to run down stairs and see if the milk was there in the morning ,and how dad played cricket …..my eyes snapped open . what I saw made my eyes go dry and my brain freeze . The sky was no longer blue but red . From the ground rose flames that licked the sky with there flailing tips… I closed my eyes , I wanted to go back , back to my dreams.

Ooo I like it.
The [quote]about my hamster , and the milk man [quote] part kinda threw me off. I was thinking sad thoughts, then a hamster came into the mix and I was thrown off a bit. But I'm crazy like that.
And there's a bit of run-on in it.

How is this a fantasy story? It isn't really even an Action Adventure story.

*Moves to Other Fiction*

wow, very very cool beginning, he is now in hell, cuz he's dead, i like this story it for some odd reason puts happier thoughts in my head.... oh whell good job keep it up, are you going to post more?

That made me think. I like the last line especially, it makes it different.

There were alot of typos, though. You should read through it and see.

For I few seconds I was conscious , but with a three¬- inch bullet in my head I fell but I didn’t feel the expected thud of my body colliding with the floor , I was puzzled for a moment but then I realized that I had fallen through the floor and I was now tumbling through silent darkness so dense that I could almost feel it rub against my skin .

^^Sorry, but this doesn't make any sence. Its super long too, Perhaps you should divide it in to... Or perhaps three..

And in those few moments of unbreakable silence , I felt more alone than I ever have before.

Even though I don't think you're technicly suposed to begin a sentence with a conjunction, this workes nicely. I think the word would be 'had' instead of 'have' though. Since you're talking about how it used to be, and that would be past tense.... Yeah.


Keep up the good writing!