Young Writers Society

The silence made James nervous.

Normally, he didn’t mind pauses. But James felt like Evaline was thinking a lot of things she wasn’t saying, and he hoped by the gods she didn’t say them.

When she finally responded, he shrugged a little, and kept his eyes on the distant desert night around them.

“We survived,” he said solemnly. “We were grateful for that.”

Evaline watched the little embers of the fire dissipate into the night air.

"Where did you go after the farm was raided?" she asked, hoping this wasn't a sensitive question. "Hopefully you and your family had a place to stay."

“We fled to the nearest town,” James said. “The raid didn’t just touch my family’s farm. There were a lot of people flooding in, looking for help. It was a very small town, and there was only one doctor, and a small office, and it quickly started overflowing. The kingdom wasn’t able to send backup until a few days later, driving the goblins off before they were able to cause more destruction.”

He kept his face set in stone. Solemn, and darkened as he tried to remember details.

He didn’t really want to.

“We weren’t the only ones looking for help... but we slept in the streets for a while. The wounded took priority, and we got away unscathed.”

He paused.

“Well, my mother went in with my little sister, sometimes. The inn was housing the refugees for a while. But I was considered well enough to stay outside.”

He paused again, but picked up before Evaline could say anything.

“We had our horse. Daisy. She was the one we escaped on. She was young and healthy, and when the inn started bursting they sent away those well enough for travel, so we traveled further south, and moved to a larger city where they would have more resources for people affected by the goblin wars. We sold Daisy for money when we got there.”

“That was just enough for us to find lodging long enough for us to get back on our feet. But it was very simple living, and very different from living out in the country. It was my first time being in a big city. So... it was different. But we made it work.”

James was telling Evaline a lot of information. She did feel sorry for him, but at the same time, she was trying to piece his life together.

With each passing word, her previous theory kept shifting. James said he went to a city after the raid. That must have meant the memory she saw happened before the raid, since he was still on their farm. But things still didn't make sense. He said that was the last time he saw Larrel... so maybe the memory didn't take place on a farm at all, but instead, the city? It didn't seem like the memory took place in a city, but she couldn't rule it out. And whose horse did he take if they sold Daisy?

There was still a lot she didn't know.

It was also hard to empathize when hearing this fast-paced development of his story. They were just... words. But she knew he meant them. She knew that he was trying to open up to her. She had to at least try to put herself in his shoes.

She didn't know if James wanted to hear her sympathy words. He almost seemed... ashamed. Even if this was beyond his control.

"The city," she finally said after a brief pause. "What was it like to live in a city?"

James could feel the tug of weariness pulling at him. It wasn’t his body that felt as tired as his heart, and his head. Taking himself back there, even if only in memory, felt exhausting. Like he was trudging through mud, or trying to walk underwater.

“It was overwhelming,” he said, still staring into the darkness like it might keep him from - well, he didn’t know what.

“Loud. Busy. Crowded... at least, compared to what I was used to. It felt like people never stopped moving. Almost like if they did, they’d never get back up again. Like their lives depended on it.”

Well, now Evaline was feeling even more sorry. James had shared so much more than her, and she was the one who had caused the earlier tension. He was right that this wasn't an exchange of information; they were simply friends having a conversation and opening up to one another. But she still felt guilty that he had opened up more than she did.

She could tell by his blank expression and his sad words that this wasn't easy for him, either.

Maybe he still wasn't ready to talk about what happened after that. Will he ever be? She wasn't sure. She wasn't sure if she ever will be ready to talk more about her life, too.

She looked down and rubbed her palms together.

"I take it that whenever you become a free man, you wouldn't live in a big city?" she asked casually, opting for a topic change.

James smiled sadly and dropped his gaze back to the ground. He chose to ignore impossibility of him ever becoming a free man and entertain the question - if only so he could stop thinking about that time of his life.

“No. I’d want to be someplace where I feel like I can breathe.”

He looked up, scanning the area around them.

“Like this. This isn’t bad.”

Evaline gazed up at James for a second, but not to read him. To understand him. He looked sad, and genuine. It only made her feel worse about lashing out on him earlier.

She sighed, looking back on the ground and letting the sand run through her fingertips.

"It's too bad that I came to Nye," she said softly. "You'd have plenty of places to breathe if you came to Earth instead."

James finally looked back over at Evaline with a sad smile in his eyes.

“I imagine things would’ve gone a lot differently,” he said softly.

"Yeah," Evaline said back with the same soft tone after a brief hesitation.

She looked away and back into the fire. "You'd be free, but we probably wouldn't have met."

James hummed, quiet for a moment as he watched Evaline play with the sand.

“Well... then I’m very glad things worked out the way they did,” he said. “And that you ended up here instead.”

Evaline attempted a smile, but it became too hard. Her heart was too heavy from guilt. Since the very beginning, James showed her nothing but patience and kindness. Sure, they had rough moments together—such as their small argument when he didn't get enough sleep, or when he looked at her like she betrayed him when she went through his injuries to find the infection—but they had even happier moments together. Moments she wouldn't ever take back or trade.

Hearing him basically admit that he would rather be wanted but have her friendship, rather than be free in a new world but never have met her... well, that sealed the deal. She was an awful friend.

She let out a big sigh, feeling her heart start to speed up in her chest as she reviewed the thought process she wanted to say out loud.

"James," she began, slowly. "I want to apologize... for everything." She let out another sigh, unable to meet his eyes. "I know I haven't been the best friend, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so difficult sometimes."

She watched as her index finger started to draw little circles in the sand. She needed to distract her screaming anxiety.

"Truth be told... I'm scared. I thought I was scared of Nye, of being in a new world, with people I don't know. But the longer I'm here, trying to open up to you, the more I realize that's not why I have a hard time doing this."

She paused to brush over the circles she drew, starting over with a blank canvas. Instead she started to bury her fingers in the sand.

"I've..." The words got stuck in her throat, and she tried again. "I've been hurt before. By others, in the past. And I... well, it's easier to just... not try."

It felt like her heart had leapt out of her chest, and all that was left was a hollow hole.

"But I'm willing to try for you. Because I want you to trust me, too."

Many thoughts started bubbling to the surface of James's mind, and all of them were mixing together.

He had been hurt before too - that was a thought he didn't want to tease out further. He could understand why it was hard, though he didn't know her full story. He didn't want to open up either, at first, but he found that his desire for genuine connection was slowly winning over his fear. Slowly.

He didn't know why she was apologizing. Frankly, he hadn't expected her to apologize, and he wasn't sure how to respond when he wasn't sure if he agreed with some of her claims. But a part of him also wanted to honor the courage it took her to say everything she did, instead of contesting it.

A part of him had a feeling that it would be better to listen and just accept the apology instead of picking it apart.

She was being sincere.

And... maybe some of the things she'd said and done had hurt him, and he hadn't been honest with himself about it. He wasn't sure, and he didn't have the time to figure all of that out.

He found himself looking at her with eyes widened in empathy and his eyebrows arching upward. She hadn't looked up at him the whole time, but he could see the worry on her face, and in the way she played with the sand like it might distract her or soother her anxieties.

"I forgive you." Gladly.

A small voice in his head started to protest as a warning, but he drowned it out with his words.

"And the sentiment is mutual," he said, smiling just a little. "I want you to trust me too."

Then, he paused, and swallowed down a knot of nerves in his throat.

"Would..."

Did he want to do it? No. Not really. Not for himself.

But he knew Eve would appreciate it. And if he thought through it any more he knew he'd back out.

"Would you want a hug?" he asked, almost like a whisper.

Evaline abruptly stopped moving her fingers in the sand, furrowing her brows and focusing on the ground to distract herself from seeing James in front of her.

A hug. He offered a hug.

"I..." she began.

It would be nice. She could feel the pent-up fear and shame ooze out of her like a freshly opened wound, and physical human connection often acted like a band-aid to these uncomfortable emotions. But it would be selfish of her to think about her needs, and not James's.

"I don't want your pity hug," she said quietly, trying to keep her voice from quivering. "From now on, I only want you to touch me if you want to touch me."

Which might very well be never. He might never again ask her to dance, he might never again reach out his hand for her to take, he might never again hold her close for comfort.

Sadness crept in and took over the hollow space her heart left behind.

But she had to stop being selfish.

James took in a deep breath.

He didn't want to hug her because it would help him. He thought she needed it, and that was why he wanted to, and he felt that was more than enough reason. It wasn't a pity hug. He just wanted to communicate in the way she would receive it best.

He got to his feet and quickly walked over to her, plopping beside her.

Sure, it didn't feel natural. But sometimes you did things that didn't feel natural for the people you cared about.

He thought back to when he was a child. When his mother or his little sister was upset, he didn't hesitate to give them hugs when he knew they needed it. Many things had changed since then, but if he pretended it was just like that, then it wasn't a problem.

Before Evaline could protest, he gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her head to his chest. And in the back of his mind, he hoped this wouldn't get erased like the other ones.