Young Writers Society

“I miss getting to be with my papa,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut tightly.

“Petrir or Tomhas?” Zander murmured.

Ky hesitated. She’d been thinking of Petrir when she said it, but she realized she meant it for both. “Yes.”

“Oh, honey.” Zander pulled her closer, hugging her a bit tighter. It felt like it wrung tears out of her, and she took a shaky breath, desperately trying to keep herself under control.

She promised she wouldn’t do this.

Promised Zander wasn’t going to see her cry.

And yet here they were. Still in the hall, no less, where anyone could happen upon them. She needed to get her act together.

Pamela received the orders and set out in search of Zander and Ky. She figured they'd be easy to spot; there wasn't a face she wasn't familiar with by now.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, reaching up with one hand to wiped at her face. She felt snot in the back of her throat.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” Zander assured her, holding her close.

“I-I should be…” More tears slipped out before she could stop them, and she angrily rubbed at her face again. “I don’t mean to be so ungrateful.”

“You’re not ungrateful.” Zander had to actively try to keep the edge out of his voice. “You’re hurting. Badly. You don’t have to be your bubbly self all the time.”

“I…” Ky shook her head, entire body shuddering. She was rapidly losing any semblance of control over herself.

Zander held her even tighter, keeping his breaths even in hopes it may help her regulate her own, if she tried to match them.

Pamela ended up on the first floor and looked around. She started down the hall.

She was almost silent, the only sounds betraying her crying the sounds of her shuddering breaths. She didn’t let out even a single cry. But her body trembled violently.

Zander had to focus on his breathing, now, for his own sake rather than hers. It hurt so badly to know she was in this much pain, and that there wasn’t anything at all that he could do to fix it for her. Was this his fault? If he’d chosen a better home for her, would she have stayed safe? Should he have planted her with a ranger rather than just Petrir? Should he have moved her, once Petrir got hurt? He’d known damn well Petrir couldn’t physically protect Ky. And yet he’d grown complacent and thought the inconspicuously small township would protect her.

“I wish none of this would have happened.” Ky’s voice broke, but stayed quiet. “I don’t… I don’t want any of this. I want Papa back. I want the farm back. I-I want… I want everything I can’t have.”

“I know,” Zander murmured, supporting most of her weight at this point.

“And that’s not because I don’t, don’t care.” She had to take a moment to compose herself as she choked on her words. “I do. I want this. But I don’t want… this.”

“Not a single person alive could blame you for that,” Zander assured her. “Even Tomhas and Anneke,” he said, predicting her guilt before she could apologize for it. “Every last one of us would rather you were still in Austraka with Petrir, because we love you.”

Ky was silent for a long, long moment, still crying and trembling silently. “I miss being a kid. I… I…”

“You got robbed,” Zander agreed.

“I don’t want to know the things I know,” she said miserably. “I don’t want… want to… there are so many horrible things in the world. And I don’t want to know about any of them.”

Pamela spotted the pair embracing and kept her distance, deciding to let them have their private moment.

The tub was filled and the servants were dismissed, and Gaius limped into the bathroom. He hung his robe on the door, then leaned his cane against the wooden rim of the tub and climbed in. The water was shockingly hot, but he didn't hesitate as he sank down up to his neck. The sting against his frozen skin was a welcome sensation, and he adjusted fairly quickly. He ducked his head under the water to get his hair wet, then reached for the soap with a contented sigh.

“I don’t blame you,” he said earnestly. “I don’t want you to know them, either.”

“But I do,” she said miserably.

Zander took a deep breath and sighed. “You do.”

“They made me such a bad person.”

“They did not.” His voice was sterner than he meant, and he felt her flinch in his arms, which made him feel all the worse. He took a deep breath and forced himself to be gentle. “They made you a hurting person, not a bad one. You can be in pain and still be good.”

Zander glanced up and saw an old woman watching them, but was grateful she wasn’t approaching yet. And also glad Ky hadn’t noticed her. She had a long history of refusing to cry in front of an audience. He’d climbed up in the barn loft more than once to console her after she sprinted away from whatever stimulus had made her cry in the first place. And that was back when her self confidence was as high as it could go. She’d be mortified if she knew anyone else could see her.

Pamela gave Zander a small nod of acknowledgement, gesturing to a nearby room to indicate she could wait there.

Zander returned the nod.

Unfortunately, Ky felt it even though it’d been subtle, hyper aware of his body language more so even than her own. Did that mean—? She pulled away slightly and, sure enough, she saw the old woman. She didn’t look judgmental, but she was still close enough to see what was happening. Ky was sure of it.

Gods. What was wrong with her? She’d known this was going to happen — just like she’d known Gaius was outside to watch her embarrass herself when Zander had first shown up in the first place. And yet here she was. Humiliating herself. Yet again.

She jerked out of Zander’s arms, embarrassment flooding through her.

“Ky—“ Zander reached for her again, but she stumbled backward, looking between the two of them in horror.

“I’ll come find you,” she said hastily, then turned and sprinted for the stairs, rushing up them in an attempt to get to the privacy of her own room.

Zander watched her go, then sighed. There was nothing he could do. They’d had the opportunity for a modicum of privacy before. That wasn’t an option anymore. If he followed, Pamela would have to, too. It was better to let Ky cool off and come find them on her own terms.

Pamela winced, approaching. "Oh, dear...I'm sorry about that. I should have backed off right away. Is she alright?"

“It’s not your fault.” Zander shook his head. It was Gaius’s fault, if anyone’s. She’d been perfectly polite. “She…” Zander sighed, looking at the empty stairs. “… I hope so.”


Ky’s lungs were burning as badly as her legs, but she didn’t stop running until she got to the fifth floor. She got to her door and fumbled for her key, fresh tears making her throat burn.

"May I ask what was wrong?"

Lyra heard Ky's footsteps and sat up in bed. She'd been unable to sleep. She got up quietly and padded to the door, listening.

Zander took a deep breath, considering. It’d be easier to list the things that were right than it was what was wrong. He looked back at Pamela. “She’s going through a lot… it all just came to a head just now, I think… it’s been building for a while.”

It took Ky an embarrassingly long time to get the key out of her pocket, and she immediately dropped it once she did. She cringed as it struck the stone loudly, and frantically snatched it back up and started struggling with the lock, but it just kept scraping the door and not actually going in the lock.

"Ah." Pamela nodded. "I understand. And you? Are you alright?"

Lyra tentatively opened her door. "Ky? Are you alright?"

“Heh.” Zander smirked humorlessly. He’d gotten to be okay until about thirty-six hours after the quads’s birth. He hadn’t been okay in nearing sixteen years now. “She’s got it worst of any of us.”


Ky jumped, startled, dropping the key again. She whirled around on Lyra, a fresh wave of embarrassment stabbing through her. “I’m so sorry.” She bent swiftly to snatch the key back up. “I didn't mean to wake you. I’m sorry.”