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Giving All

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Fri Jan 13, 2012 4:24 am
Still says...

Doesn't matter how much you give, someone always takes.
Why do you have to pay for all these mistakes.

Don't you see its never enough.
I won't pretend I'm tough or that it doesn't get rough.

Why does it have to be you, won't you say you're through,
and this time you'll stay. Say this time you'll stay.

Only a moment before you walk out the door,
Hero of the helpless and poor.

How long will you be gone?
What if you never make it back home?
What if you give all and die alone?

What am I supposed to do without you?

I knew it would be you. I knew what you would do.
When you got the call, you'd give all.
Yea, You've always been this way, been the one to pay.

I'm gonna be strong for you now, you showed me how.
I'll go on, alone without you somehow.

Doesn't matter how much I give, someone always takes.
Seems I'll have to pay for all these mistakes.

Find someway to honor the gift you gave.
something more than placing flowers on your grave.
Last edited by Still on Mon Jan 16, 2012 3:59 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Fri Jan 13, 2012 5:23 am
JabberHut says...

Hi, Still!

You've got some good moments here that work very well. That is, the flow is very nice! It's well-put together. :D

Doesn't matter how much you give, someone always takes
seems somebody has to pay for all these mistakes

The second line actually bothers me a lot. XD I'm going to try to keep out personal opinion as much as possible and just say that the second line doesn't tie in with the first line at all. Somebody, implying one person, is paying for everything given away. This couplet seems to go into much more depth than it probably means to. XD

Actually, I'm finding this sort of confusion through the whole thing. xD

I'm very confused as to what the song is trying to say. I don't know how I should react to the song, what I should be feeling after reading it, and what exactly it's implying. I can tell there's a story somewhere? Maybe I'm just too tired (or too thick) to catch what's going on.

I think it could benefit from being expanded upon though. That or cleared up by rewriting/rephrasing to make more sense. I like the hopefulness that shines through every now and then, so that's a good indication that the message is somewhere -- maybe in bits and pieces -- but not quite entirely clear.

Hope that helps! Can't wait to see more of your work. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.

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Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:02 pm
Still says...

Thanks I will attempt a rewrite. I think you're right about the message not being clear enough. During the time I was writing it, I was dripping my heart onto the page and later during editing I felt uncomfortable with how transparent it turned out and changed the message. I really apreciate the feedback.

An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards.
— Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens