Young Writers Society

Fetch me some tea and a genuine smile
And speak to me as if I am truly happy
If only you can do this for awhile
Perhaps, I will not feel as though I am empty
And all alone
All…
(Alone)

When I drink I imagine I am drinking poison
When I cut my meal with a knife
I imagine I am cutting deep within my wrist
Such morbid things inhabit my mind on occasions
So here is the habitual sentiment
That will catch no one’s interest
As so I think
For no one cares
And on I think
No one loves me

~Chorus~
If you were dead
Then this will be different
If you were dead
I think I could overcome slightly quicker
If I were dead
Your life won’t be different
If I were dead
You would think nothing of finding another
A passing whim
That’s all I was

Paint me hidden in your lonely tree’s bark
So as not to be the ghost demanding a sight
To find me one only needs to embark
On this invented path, look within the moon’s light
I’m all alone
All…
(Alone)

As I drink I imagine I am drinking poison
When I walk by a single knife
I imagine I’ll be slicing the veins on my wrist
Such morbid things inhabit my mind on occasions
So here is the eventual sentiment
That will catch no one’s interest
That’s what I think
For no one cares
And more I think
No one loves me

(Chorus)

I am only as I am now
I am only as I am now

Back again, Allinall!

So the first thought that came to mind as soon as I finished was, "That's it?!" I wanted more! XD I felt unsatisfied with the story at hand. In fact, I was a bit sad and annoyed at the same time that this speaker felt so distraught without giving me, the listener, much to go on. Should we feel sorry for them or hate them for hating themselves? I'm sort of confused as to how I'm supposed to react at this point.

Paint me hidden in your lonely tree’s bark
So as not to be the ghost demanding a sight

These lines didn't do much for me, though this could be because I'm not sure where trees came into the song. xD It seems like a very random metaphor thrown in to sound pretty.

On this invented path, look within the moon’s light

I'm also not sure how the moon's light is an invented path of this very depressed/suicidal, if you will, person. Another random metaphor to sound pretty?

Fetch me some tea and a genuine smile
And speak to me as if I am truly happy
If only you can do this for awhile
Perhaps, I will not feel as though I am empty
And all alone
All…
(Alone)

So on the FLIP side of the coin, I absolutely adore your opening verse, particularly the opening two lines. It's just... awesome. Fantastic imagery which ties in so perfectly with the message at hand. It's just so wonderful. It makes me all giddy!

That's all I've got to say, though! Well done! With some polishing, this piece could certainly turn into another wonderful song from you.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!