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You'll be around



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65 Reviews



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Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Wed Jan 04, 2012 9:34 pm
dasiamari says...



I can't sleep so I'm writing this song again.
Crumpled papers filling up the waste bin.

Trying to think of a way
To say

Chorus
That I love you.
That I just can't live without
your beautiful smile.
Every time I see
you out. And you've got
crowds of girls
and here I am in the back round.
But I know you'll be around,
tonight...Tonight.

We don't seem like a perfect match
But I guess it's true opposites attract.
And my heads still spinning
from the every first time
You asked me to dance and
Knew you where mine.

And I love you
And I just can't live without
your beautiful smile.
Everytime I see you out.
And you've got crowds of girls
and here I am in the back round.
But I know you'll be around,
Tonight...Tonight

It seems so crazy
that I could ever even maybe
have a chance. And my hearts
till beating way too fast
When you smile and wink
And I know it's meant just for me.

This Is just my way to say

That I love you
That just can't live without
your beautiful smile
everytime I go out.
And you've got crowds of girls
and I'm in the backround
But I know you'll be around,
tonight...tonight.
Last edited by dasiamari on Thu Jan 05, 2012 8:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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158 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 425
Reviews: 158
Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:04 am
Payne says...



I'll start with nitpicks:

I can't sleep so I'm writing this song again.
Crumpled papers filling up the waste bin.

Trying to think of a way
To say

Chorus
That I love you.
That I just can't live without
your beautiful smile.
Every time I see
you out. And you've got
crowds of girls
and here I am in the background.
But I know you'll around [I think there's a word missing here?]
tonight...Tonight.

We don't seem like a perfect match
But I guess it's true opposites attract.
And my head's still spinning
from the every first time
You asked me to dance and
Knew you were mine.

And I love you
And I just can't live without
your beautiful smile.
Everytime I see you out.
And you've got crowds of girls
and here I am in the background.
But I know you'll be around,
Tonight...Tonight

It seems so crazy
that I could ever even maybe
have a chance. And my heart's
still beating way too fast
When you smile and wink
And I know it's meant for me.

This is just my way to say

That I love you
That just can't live without
your beautiful smile
everytime I go out.
And you've got crowds of girls
and I'm in the background
But I know you'll be around,
tonight...tonight.



These are nice lyrics; simple, but they convey the feelings quite well. The rhythm is a little off in places, but it's an easy enough fix. I don't know much about reviewing lyrics, but I liked these. Keep up the good work!
I aim to misbehave.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? --Steven Wright
  





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Sat Jan 07, 2012 9:35 am
JabberHut says...



Hello again, Dasia!

This is a cute song, and I could relate to it as a listener. I know where it's coming from, so that's always a good sign! ;) There are also some very lovely little imagery pieces that bring the song alive. It's cute!

There are grammar fluctuations again, but they're a bit more scarce in this piece, so yay!

I thiiink I only have one thing to say, and that is: It sounds cliche. Now, we throw that word around like it's a bad thing. It's really not, you just have to play around with it just right to make it your own. I think your song has that potential! It can be your own. When I hear these kinds of love songs, they're not usually about opposites attracting. They're usually just gushing Iloveyou's. So that's why I think your song could go somewhere.

One thing you could probably do to help that is edit the chorus. It's probably just me, but when I look at a song, the chorus restates the song, basically? If I read the chorus, I get an idea what the song is about. Sort of like the theses statement or topic sentence of a school essay. So if your song focuses more on the why the singer's in love (i.e. opposites attract), then it would certainly make your piece a little more interesting.

It wouldn't take that much tweaking overall, honestly. It's already on the way. Just tie the chorus in with what the verses are saying, I guess? Then again, this is probably an edit to the song you never considered and will probably ignore. Understandably, it's probably changing the purpose of the song. The title doesn't really match that idea, now that I think about it.

Hm. I think maaaybe.. maybe do a modification to the verses to better correlate with the chorus. That way you're not changing the point of the song, just tying it up better. I'd like to get more details as to why the singer thinks the person will be around. The song makes the person sound like a player, you know? xD

I think I'll just stop rambling now. It's confusing enough, but hopefully it makes sense to you! The only thing I really said was to draw more correlation between chorus and verses. Otherwise, I don't really have any complaints!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  








As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin