Young Writers Society

I thought we were happy
perfect fairytale thing.
I should have it known
it was only make believe and

You should told me
never should acted
But its what your
best at
you only know Pretend.

You pretend to love me
You pre-tend to care
you pretend to hold me
when I'm scared.
You preetend
You preetend.

You couldn't come out
and say you love
her.
You had to milk me for
all I'm worth.

And you got it all.
You won the game
The game of make believing
'cause your better at
pretendinnng.

Oh Oh Woah
Oh oh Woah

I can't belive you did this to me
you took more than my
dignity.
You took away
my right to believe.

You pretend to love me
You pre-tend to care
you pretend to hold
When I'm scared.
You preeetend
You preeetend.

Oh woahoh Oh woahoh

Well I'm done.
You got her.
Lets see how long she lasts
In your make-believe pretend world.

Hey, Dasia!

This is my first review on the new YWS, so feel honored! I'm rather excited, and hopefully, I won't give such a flimsy review or anything full of excitement and happiness. Of course, I've eaten so much sugary-sweet things tonight, who knows what's going on through my mind right now.

Anyway! Enough rambling.

I sort of like where this is going. I can tell what was going through your mind as you wrote this, and the message is there. The structure is a bit flimsy though, and I'll point out the weak spots (in my opinion) that would require a second look. I really love the pretend/make-believe theme going through this. It's more of a personal partiality, but I love that kind of... thing. xD It's a fantasy/fairytale/imaginative sort of feel that I just perosnally love. And there's a lot of potential for metaphors and vocabulary/word choice with that. Food for thought!

One of the more glaring aspects I find as I read this is the grammar. It's really hard to read some parts because they don't grammatically make sense. If you write the song out in normal sentence/paragraph format, you'll find that as well. I know grammar can get a bit of leeway in lyrics, but I don't think it gets that much. I'd probably go through and restructure some of that.

So content-wise! I think there could be a lot more to the story part of this. That is, the song sort of sounds like the speaker is somewhat whining. It's not that bad, but it's there. The first and last bits/verses of the song aren't really that bad. The middle is where the speaker gets sort of repetitive and whiny about being used. Understandably, being used is worth a bit of whine. xD But I don't think it makes for an intriguing song unless supported with more metaphor or story or imagery or something to help the reader sympathize and/or relate.

In the second to last verse, for instance, the phrase "I can't believe you did this to me" is used, and I see that as a sort of default/filler kind of line. I don't remember if I mentioned this in a review before, but when I write lyrics, I have these few default lines that I always end up using because I don't know what else to put. "I love you" and "I don't know why/how" are examples. They help fill in thoughts or finish/start verses. They're just defaults. "I can't believe" is also one of them. It's used all the time, and if they're not used well, it's very obvious that the phrase was used just to be used. This probably doesn't all make sense, so why I don't I try a different route. xD Basically, I think the song took a detour from the main point of the song, and there are some parts where it's plainly obvious. That second to last verse is one of them. Some of the repetition about the dude being good at pretending? That's another.

The last verse took a very abrupt turn -- in fact, I'd call it a jump -- from where the song foreshadowed. So I'd probably work on connecting that last verse with the song. That might help a bit when editing!

That was a really long, drawn-out second point. xD I really didn't have much to point out. It just looks that way. I really do think this can turn into something really awesome though! Just look at the song's structure and try to tell the story a bit more effectively.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!